Sneaky Tsunami

I've posted about "waves" and how grief will come and go and we just have to "ride the wave." Well, the last week seemed rather calm. I entered the weekend thinking I was doing pretty good, life seemed stable, I felt "ok". We had Grandpa Bill's memorial service on Saturday and I did really well. (Kevin's grandpa died three weeks before Kristen was born.) But then Sunday morning I didn't feel all that great, but didn't think too much of it. It wasn't until late Monday afternoon that I realized I had been hit by a tsunami. (click the post title to read the rest)


The tide had quickly receded and all was calm....just like what they showed on the news with the tsunamis in Indonesia. Then the wall quietly yet powerfully came and crashed over me. It wasn't until almost 2 days had passed that I even realized what had happened and that I had been knocked over! I had the opportunity to share with my MOPS group on Monday a little about my story so far. I had plenty of encouraging comments and people thanking me for sharing but I felt horrible and felt I had made a mistake in sharing. It wasn't until later that afternoon during a conversation with a friend that I saw what had happened. When I shared that morning I was still in my "I'm fine" mode and wanted to portray that image. I had felt "fine" for a while now so I must be "fine." But as I began to share, I heard my own words tell the story with a broken heart and I told of the struggles I'm still having and I was shocked! I wasn't "fine" and the only person I had fooled was myself! I had hoped to give this great testimony of Kristen's life and have it be a happy ending, feel-good story.....I found out it's too soon for that. The story's not done yet.
I got home from MOPS and the rest of that day just continued to crumble. Things were off kilter when I got home but I had to rush off to my 6-week check up with my midwife. The nurse that checked me in hadn't really looked my chart over and started asking me the routine questions that were on her computer screen "number of pregnancies.....number of children......date of delivery.....vaginal or cesarean......breastfeeding or bottle feeding....." After that one I finally told her the baby didn't make it, not realizing during all the other questions she had no idea! She felt horrible of course, but it just added to the stress of the day! My midwife apologized when she came in that that happened, but I know it will happen the rest of my life - it's just a little harder to respond to right now....and especially on a day like that!
So on the way home from that appt, I called a friend that helped me realize that I had been hit by a sneaky tsunami. I wanted and still want so much to be "fine" and feel like a normal person that I ignore the waves that have to be ridden. I remember in my scuba lessons they always say "don't turn your back on the sea" because waves will come and surprise you....guess I should have listened!