I thought I would blog a few thoughts that have been percolating over the last few weeks. There's a lot here, and I tried to "truncate it" but it didn't work. So here's the full post!!
(this blog entry took almost two weeks to write, you’ll see why)
I had a friend at preschool ask me a few weeks ago about the lack of updates to our blog. She said, "I've noticed you haven't updated your blog. I check it all the time and if I remember right, you once wrote that if there is a long time between postings, things are hard. Are you doing OK?" I thought to myself, Busted! I smiled and eked out something that at least confirmed her suspicion but wouldn't require me to go into any more detail; then I had to stop before my eyes flooded. It wasn't the time or place to go into more detail, but in an odd way it felt good to have her (or anyone for that matter!) notice the blog has been silent. She replied that she'll continue praying for me and thinks of me often. I thanked her and told her how much I appreciate hearing that. That was when I realized that Katelynn was fighting over a paintbrush! Good distraction!
Then last night I was thinking it probably IS time to update the blog. I haven't updated it in so long. I've meant to a couple of times. I wanted to post photos of our great adventure going to see "The Lion King" with Kevin's family, "brag" a little about Katelynn's new found skill and love for storytelling and bug hunting, have Kevin blog about his completed tattoo, there's plenty to write about. But once again it's not for a lack of content that I don't write. It's probably partly a time issue and a little bit wondering if people even read it. There's been a few instances where someone who I thought read our blog asks us about the radio contest (January/February) or had no idea about Kevin's tattoo (since October). All things that have been major topics on the blog. That's why we blog and why we shared the address with so many people was to keep them caught up.
But as I thought about it last night, I wondered where I'd start again. I realized that I personally didn't feel like I had anything "interesting" to share. In the beginning of this crazy season, blogging was a great outlet for me. I shared lots of thoughts as a way to process them and did what I could to start the healing process. Anything I felt or thought was "fair game" and I didn't feel like anyone would question what I shared because of where we were at the time. Our situation had become quite public and we were happy to share via the blog because we could share with so many people so easily. But as life got back to "normal" on the outside, it was nowhere near that on the inside and the gap between “normal” and “real” became harder to define. People would continue to ask, "how are you doing?" and I know they meant well, but I just got used to saying “OK”, an easy answer that doesn't necessarily cover up what's going on, but doesn't have to go into detail either. It wasn't getting any better (for me anyway) and I got tired of being reminded that it wasn't. I also got tired of having to catch people up on what had been written on the blog months previously. If I told them things weren’t that great, they’d respond with “Oh, why! What’s going on!!?” I wanted to reply “check the blog. It’s all there.” Not to mention Kevin would read the blog and have to ask "really? you feel that way?" So I realized I was sharing things on behalf of our "family" when in reality it was pretty much just my junk!
My daily struggles were no longer the obvious ones they were in the beginning; I can now do my own grocery shopping, make my family meals and take care of Katelynn like any other mom. But the issues now are deeper, more personal ones. So as I thought of what I wanted to blog about, I found that anything I would write today would almost sound the same as it did seven and a half months ago, but unfortunately with a little less hope and confidence than how I wrote back then. (Yes, it HAS been 7 and a half months already! Thanks Cari for remembering us on Sunday the 29th!) And in my mind everyone's already heard that stuff, it's a little old. (Second verse, same as the first!) But on the same token, it may be old on the outside, yet it's everyday on the inside. Granted some days are better than others, but it's always there. Seven months ago, even three months ago, the things I was blogging about were expected, but it felt part of a healing PROCESS. I thought it would get better as I wrote, but it didn't. I know some people would tell me (and have and still do!) to give it more time, we're ONLY 7 months into it. But I guess I'm tired of it. Tired of "managing" emotions, tired of trying to maintain a new normal for our family while still feeling the same pain and sorrow I did months ago, tired of wanting to make it sound like we're making more progress than we are. I know we are in some sense, but it doesn't "feel" like it. It is what it is.
It's funny, as I write this, I can probably name three to four people that will at some point respond that they ‘wish they had known’, ‘why hadn't we talked about it’, and felt that ‘we have been hiding what's been going on’. We weren't and aren't hiding. And there's really nothing to talk about most days. Its just part of our new normal. I'm sincerely hoping that one day it will cease to be, but until then, it is what it is.
And I guess it's those questions that have kept me from blogging. I actually like feeling like we have some sense of normal, even if it is on the outside, we need it! But then when I want to blog like I did before, honestly about what I’m still processing, I am worried of the reactions I’ll get. My counselor said a few weeks ago that our culture doesn't know how to deal with emotional situations, grief especially. We want the other person to feel better (get over their “stuff”) so we can feel better being around them. We're not okay with people grieving - we want to make it go away or pretend it’s not that bad. Maybe that’s why people chose not to read the blog, it’s just easier not to read. That’s fine with me. I’ve been told a number of times that another person’s reaction to my situation is not my responsibility. If you don’t like the tears, don’t look. If you don’t like the thoughts, don’t read them. If you don’t really want to know what’s going on, don’t ask! But don’t be surprised when a year down the road you hear or read something that might suggest life is still hard – no, it hasn’t gone away. Or don’t be surprised that Kristen’s name still brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes, or that Katelynn loves to tell people about “my sister Baby Kristen.” This is all part of our daily life and just because we don’t make it obvious, doesn’t mean it’s not there. We have relatives that change the subject or act like they didn’t hear us when we mention Kristen’s name. I’m learning to be prepared for those situations and almost expect them. But in return I am finding outlets where I can be real with how I feel on good days and bad ones. I have gotten so used to wanting other people to be comfortable around me that I forgot exactly how I feel! I am in touch with a few people that I know have been (and are going to be) huge components in this journey. They invite and almost expect the ugly stuff to come with the good stuff, and they never make me feel uncomfortable with my tears or jumbled thoughts! I think we all need those kind of people in our lives!
So in true form, I’ve processed a lot of thoughts in this blog post. As I mentioned earlier, I like having a sense of normal family life and I think I am going to let this blog do that for me. I need a place I can post the fun family stuff, stories and photos. I will most likely find a new outlet for the “ugly stuff” which in reality is more my own than anyone else’s. That way I’m not always trying to bridge the gap that grief brings between “normal” and the “new normal” or making it sound like the whole family feels the way I do. I need a place where I don’t feel like I need to temper the hard stuff with something happy. It’s not always that easy. I may come back after a while and blog some of that here. But until then, this will once again become “The Balcom Family Blog” sharing the daily happenings of the Balcom Family. As for my “other stuff”……well, I’m sure that will find a great new place to flourish!
