Out of the Rubble (part 2)

(to read Part 1 first, click here)
I was two and a half years old when Mt. St. Helen's blew. I don't remember any of it but I've been told stories and have read enough to know how impacting it was. I've been to the National Park to see the aftermath now 30 years later and there's no question something HUGE happened there. There are still "mountains" of ash along I-5, most of our parents still have jars of ash stuck away somewhere, and even my promise ring I got as a teenager was an emerald made from Mt. St. Helen's ash. But I don't have to have personal memories of wearing face masks or having the day sky turn dark to know how powerful it was or the kind of devastation it left in its wake. No one had to instill a sense of fear in me to understand the power God has in His creation which would keep me away from volcanoes. And you know what? I live in the shadow of Mt. Rainier (even enjoy being ON the mountain) and rarely think twice about it being a volcano! It's beautiful to me - not scary. And Mt. St. Helen's is now a beautiful monument not a graveyard or wasteland.

Last night (well, early this morning!) I blogged about how God was offering to start removing the rubble and debris that was left from the loss of Kristen so that this new baby would have the light and life it needed to enter this world. I thankfully was able to go back to sleep for 2 hours (most of my blogging happens in the wee hours of the morning when I can't sleep so being able to go back to sleep is SOOO nice!) and in that little nap I had a dream. Lately my dreams haven't been all that encouraging - usually they're about the baby and I either forget that I have one to care for and take with me, forget that I need to feed or change her, or something along those lines. (mainly because I never got to do those things with Kristen because there were nurses and doctors doing that for me.) But in this dream I was holding the baby and waving to Kevin through a big window to bring in Katelynn to meet her. But Katelynn didn't know or understand what was going on because we had kept her from the whole experience "just in case". That's when I realized that it's not just the baby or me & Kevin that God wants to remove the rubble from, but Katelynn too.

We involved Katelynn in every aspect of preparation with Kristen. She was excited! We got clothes out, she came to the baby shower, she helped get the crib ready in her room, we even watch movies and read books about a new baby coming home. So when the baby didn't come home, she was a little confused since she saw her at the hospital. She actually just thought the baby went back into mommy's tummy! But she was 2 and 1/2 and I didn't really expect her to remember too much. We did explain that Baby Kristen went to heaven but the comprehension of that has changed through out the months. So when I woke up from this dream I realized that out of my own self-preservation and fear of the unknown, I was almost robbing Katelynn of that anticipation that she got to experience with Kristen. By not wanting to set the crib up yet, get clothes out or even have a baby shower, I was taking away the elements of anticipation not only for myself (almost intentionally) but for Katelynn as well. She doesn't know that bad things can happen to babies, so why shouldn't waiting for this baby be just as exciting as waiting for Kristen? Just like I don't remember Mt. St. Helen's blowing but I love looking at and living near Mt. Rainer.

As I let myself process the dream I began to realize that I was using my rubble to "protect" Katelynn from something bad happening. She'll be 4 and 1/2 when this baby is born and most likely will remember it. What do I want her to remember? That mommy's tummy got big, she went away and came home with a baby? No. I want her to anticipate and prepare for her new sister. I want her to "make room" in her life. If something bad happens, well...I guess God will have to handle that one -- AGAIN! But I want Kristen to be remembered for the good things and in appropriate ways, I don't want her memory to overshadow and prohibit life from happening. It's one thing to be tentative or have reservations about things, I know what it means to be the 1 in 5,000 to have a baby with T18. But to be scared of anticipating life for fear of death, that's not the life that Christ died for me to have. Or anyone in my family for that matter!

So like I wrote in my first rubble blog - it's up to God how He will remove the bricks and I have to trust He knows what He's doing. I'm just surprised that it's happening so fast and so noticeably! A few months ago I was fearful of doing the basic preparations for the baby. The sting was still there from taking down an empty crib, packing up gifts and putting away the matching outfits I had for the girls to wear in their fist "sibling photos". But God has been softening my heart and brick by brick giving me an anticipation for this little girl without the overshadowing "what if's". Then with the confirmation of gender and getting to really see her on the ultrasound came the realization that this little girl deserves just as much excitement and preparation for her life and entrance into this world as Katelynn and Kristen got. THEN...this dream made me realize that Katelynn should be allowed to anticipate and enjoy the excitement of this new baby too. That out of the ashes we would be able to dust off this pearl and treasure her for what and who she is - NOW. So we decided to name our little girl Ashley Megan. Although "Ashley" officially means from the meadow of the ash trees and "Megan" means little pearl, we like that she's due on Mt. St. Helen's Day (May 18th) and that God is giving us beauty for ashes.

I've been singing Sara Grove's song in my head since I posted it: It's been a hard year, I'm climbing out of the rubble, the lessons are hard, healing changes are subtle. And I feel you here, and you're picking up the pieces, Forever faithful. It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation, but You are able. And in Your hands the pain and hurt, Look less like scars and more like: Character.