Rubble (part 1)

If you had told me a year ago that I would be posting this I'd say you were crazy. But here I am. Last night at church we prayed for Haiti, as I'm sure (and hope) most churches will do during their services this weekend. But there was more to it. He said as he was praying over the week, having his heart broken for the devastation that has happened and continues to happen to this already "down and out" country, the Lord asked him (and I'm paraphrasing, sorry Roger!) "How are they so different than the people in your own city? Because the rubble and debris is on the outside in Haiti, you see it. But there are people dying and being buried under rubble in their lives everyday. That is the rubble I want to remove, to bring life back to them, not despair under the weight of their circumstances."

Then Roger invited us to put our hands on our hearts and pray together, asking God, inviting God, to remove the rubble in our lives that our circumstances had buried us with. I don't remember all of what we prayed but something changed in me. I realized as we prayed that my hands were no longer above my heart but had slid down to just above my belly. As we prayed over the areas in our lives that we needed a divine rescuing, I got the picture of God setting aside the rubble that is still left from our tragedy with Kristen, almost sweeping off my tummy, to let the new baby (and a new mommy) emerge unhindered by the circumstances that preceded her. He wasn't just throwing the pieces away. He was carefully setting them aside, brick by brick, making a nice pile to the side, in a way saying "we'll come back to that later, but for now, there's life to be had and this rubble is in the way."

Now, don't get me wrong. Kristen is by no means rubble!! But the aftermath that a tragic labor/birth experience and unexpected loss leave is no dust bunny under the sofa either. It's hard to get excited about having a baby like I did with Katelynn and Kristen when you know that bad things happen. Having a baby is more than just gift registries and diapers. I'll admit I haven't wanted to completely "buy in" to the idea that we're having a baby until she's home in my arms. This last week I did a bit more with the ultrasound and finding out she's a girl. But during that prayer time it was like God was wanting to remove the debris of that experience, so that I could have a renewed experience. I've been thinking of this quite a bit and asking a lot of "HOW" questions. How do I do that? How do I not feel like I'm leaving Kristen behind or ignoring who she was and what happened? I don't want people to think I've "moved on" - you never really do. And it keeps coming back to "that's not your responsibility. That's God's specialty."

I watched on the news the people in Haiti clearing out rubble literally brick by brick. And 4.5 years later they're still clearing out and rebuilding after Katrina. Reconstruction doesn't happen overnight. But first things first - clear the way for life to happen. Not sure how God does that, but I know He's able. Below are some lyrics from a songwriting who always seems to speak right to my soul and where I'm at. There are a few lines in the song that I couldn't have written any better and speak to what God does with our rubble. I will always have an external scar from Kristen but I look forward to what God does with the internal ones.

Less Like Scars
by Sara Groves

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
And more like
Character