The devil's in the details

Who would have thought simply cutting a tag off a piece of baby clothing or opening up a bag of diapers would be such a hard thing to do!? (Almost as hard as finally deciding to have a baby shower!) I highly doubt (and hope!) any first-time mom has ever had to experience this. Oh, the bliss of ignorance. And I mean that in a good way!

While Kevin worked on the patio cover today I worked on the baby center. I'd say the baby's room, but it's kind of a multi-purpose room really. It will have a twin bed, some of Katelynn's larger toys, some of our things simply for storage, and the changing table with all her immediate needs, but she'll be sleeping in either our room or Katelynn's. (I think I posted before about Katelynn not liking the idea of Ashley not sleeping in her room with her, so that helped us decide if they'd have separate rooms or not!) So the "spare room" has turned into the baby/guest/toy room. :)

We've turned an old desk that I refinished in college into a changing table and placed it in the closet - a perfect fit! (there's no doors) Then last night Kevin installed a shelving system to create the perfect baby center. So today, it was up to me to "get it ready", stocking it with diapers/wipes (which I've been stockpiling with all my crazy coupon sales!), burp rags, clothes, blankets, etc, etc.

As I "nested", I found myself faced with the decision similar to when I had to decline or accept my friend's offer to give Ashley a baby shower. You see, there are a number of things that I didn't end up doing before Kristen was born, that are normally "before baby comes home" kind of things, that I think God spared me from doing, because of what it would have meant to come home to. I didn't pre-wash all her clothes. I didn't open up all her diapers and get them all lined up on her changing table. I didn't even go out and buy nursing bras! Yes, we did set up the crib and get a few things ready, but for some reason, maybe 'cuz she was our 2nd, I didn't get all wrapped up in preparing for her homecoming. Maybe I sensed something, I'll never know, but I'll count it as a blessing.  A blessing in that circumstance, but a new dilemma in this one.

So as I unpacked the "baby boxes" I came across a number of things that we kept from Kristen but that didn't necessarily have major Kristen memories attached to them. There are a few items that will forever be Kristen's and those are packed away or set aside. But there were a number of really cute outfits from her baby shower and bags of diapers that we hadn't given away because we knew we'd be able to use them in the future. So as I unpacked things, I had to decide if I was going to take the tags off of things and pre-wash them; was I going to open up the packages of diapers and get them ready for Ashley's big homecoming? Then all the "what-if's" started. What if she doesn't come home? I didn't get this prepared for Kristen and it was horrible coming home to the few things I did get ready. I can always pre-wash things when she comes home I thought....with the when quickly turning to an IF.....

That's when I'd had enough and I ripped open the bag of diapers and snipped the tags!!  I'm going to go out and get her her own hamper, I'm going to unpack all the clothes and hang them up, I'm going to enjoy celebrating her at her baby shower. I won't let the devil steal my joy by hiding in the details. And I won't let my lack of ignorance rob me of my bliss!!  I have a number of people in my life that you can tell don't want to get too excited about a new baby. They have reservations when they ask how my appointments are going, have I had any new tests, is everything okay with the baby, etc. Even though I have explained that this pregnancy is just as normal as Katelynn's you can tell they don't want to (or maybe just won't) believe it until they meet Ashley. Makes me wonder sometimes if I'll have to prove that I'm capable of "producing a healthy baby" before the fears can be subsided. Sure I have fears too, but Ashley shouldn't be shadowed by them!

Which is why I love meeting people that have no idea about Kristen! I used to wish more people knew about her, but now I love talking to those that don't because of the excitement people tend to have around a pregnant woman. The look of joyful anticipation is refreshing. They want to know if it's my first, if its a boy or a girl, not if it's healthy, as if there'd be any reason to think otherwise. They want to know when the due date is and how I've been feeling, not when the next test is going to be and what the doctors are saying.

So I guess until I have a screaming little newborn in my arms, I'll keep looking forward and know that my hope comes not from my "positive thinking" which will always fail me, but from a God that will not disappoint. My hope has been deferred and I can't wait until it is redeemed!!

Now off to pre-wash some baby clothes! :)