There Will Be A Day

Last October I heard a song late one night while I was driving (I still even remember where I was!) and I took a moment to listen to the words. I had heard it quite a bit but never really listened. I came home that night and instantly tried to post it to our blog but it was too new at the time and it wasn't yet available to post. I hadn't checked in a while and when I heard it again this morning I decided to try again. It's now added to our playlist which plays in shuffle mode. So it will either come on in a bit or you can just skip ahead at the bottom of our blog.
It's been amazing how God has spoken through music in new ways since last fall. What a gift we have to listen to this music freely without fear of persecution.
Here are the words to the song:

Artist: Jeremy Camp
Song: There Will Be A Day

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face, But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long, You feel you're walking on your own
But there has never been a step, Where you've walked out all alone

Troubled soul don't lose your heart, 'Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that's in store, Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

I can't wait until that day where the very one I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery, oh this is why, this is why I sing.

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we`ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day, He'll wipe away the stains, He'll wipe away the tears, He'll wipe away the tears...there will be a day.

Three missing days

Kind of a weird day - it's like three days in history that have been repeated for the last 5 months simply disappeared. Today would have been Kristen's 6 month birthday - but instead it's March 1st, Kristen's 6 month birthday of being born into heaven. I had been doing really well during the first part of the month but somewhere over the last few weeks the lack of dealing with emotion (and not really being aware that was what I was doing) started to catch up with me. I have had a few friends here and there make comments that "brought me back" and reminded me I'm not alone. I wanted to share a few notes they have sent.

"something caught my heart... so I'm sorry if I say this wrong.. but I don't have 3 times more kids. You will always be the mother of 2 or more if you have more... but in my heart, your baby girl will always be a part of you. She's a piece of your daily living - you go on.. being a mom of two! And being a "Stay at home mom" is soo much harder and amazing then any other job! Be proud! You do more then you know! And I'm sure your family knows that with all the love! And anytime you want to speak about your babe in heaven... speak free with me. I have not forgotten baby Kristen."

"I just wanted to let you know I am sad there isn't a Feb 29th so Kristen can have her full 6 month birthday. But I guess it's fitting that since she isn't with us that the 29th should be missing as well."
(It makes me feel kinda bad for those born on a Leap Year, only getting to truly celebrate their birthday once every four years!)

I also had a friend tell me she still gets angry about what has happened, how unfair life can be, why it had to happen to us, and how she should be watching two little kids when she comes over to babysit, not just one.

So many different sentiments that bring comfort in so many ways.

Just kind of a weird day.

A beautiful gift at just the right time

My Aunt Sharon does amazing cross-stitch work. We have her work all over our house. She made us a beautiful framed wedding piece with our names and wedding date, and then made a piece for Katelynn when she was born with all her "stats" that I had framed. She had Kristen's all ready before she was born, she was just waiting for the "stats". It was divine that there was enough room for the details she ultimately included. She gave this to me at Kristen's service and I was so touched. I'd been wanting to get it framed through Creative Memories and just barely got it to them in time before they accepted their last order. (CM no longer does Custom Framing.) We're not sure where we'll display this so I wanted to display it here. You can click on it to enlarge it and see the beautiful details. The saying at the bottom I added so it would look like Katelynn's who's has a scripture at the bottom.
Thank you Aunt Sharon, it means so much to me to have such a special gift for each of my girls.

It was actually interesting to get this when I did. I've been going through a "wave" over the last week or so, which took me a bit by surprise. I had been doing so well most of the month of February and got caught off guard by a wave of grief that started over the weekend. I know they will always come and go in varying degrees, and this was just one of many more to come. There had been so much celebrating of Kristen this weekend and getting to tell her story which I enjoyed. However, all the talk of her without getting to also talk about the hard parts took its toll. I don't enjoy talking about it, but am finding I need to find ways to talk about it because grief will always find it's way out, one way or another, and I'd much rather have it be constructive. Tears are cleansing in so many ways and I had been denying them their power, thinking I was getting "better." Little did I know....have you had a good cry lately? :) Give it a try, you might be surprised how good it makes you feel!

What is Grief?

I just found this saying given by a mom who had three teenage boys and then had 5, count them FIVE subsequent lost babies! Trisomy 18 due on Mother's Day but came a month early, Trisomy 21 miscarrage, and three more miscarrages, two of them on separate Thanksgiving Days. This woman and her story leave me speechless.

Grief is Not a Sign of Weakness,
Nor a Loss of Faith,
It is the Price Of Love

My love for Kristen must have been really expensive!! :)

So I guess as long as I grieve (in whatever form that takes) I will be actively loving Kristen.
I kiss Katelynn with my lips, I kiss Kristen with my tears.

I know one day there won't be so many tears and the ache won't be as painful, but I will always grieve and love my little angel baby. I'll just be finding new ways to tell her as I learn to better celebrate her life and not so much mourn her death....one day at a time.

My "Love Story" Contest entry

Our local Christian radio station is having a "Love Story" contest and they are encouraging people to send in their stories, even those that aren't the typical boy meets girl story. I'd been contemplating it for a while and finally did it. Here's my entry:

Not all moms have an instant bond with their babies. My daughter Kristen was born with a chromosomal defect called Trisomy 18 and was taken to another hospital for care while I recovered from surgery. I didn't get to really hold her until she was almost 2 days old an I was well enough to go see her. There were lots of visitors in and out of the NICU my first day with her so at 5 in the morning I decided it was time for some mother/daughter time. I wanted to meet my baby and I wanted her to know who her mommy was. She and I spent almost 2 hours snuggling together in spite of the tubes and monitors she was hooked up to. Sadly, she was born into heaven about three hours later. I will never forget that early morning visit where I got to truly meet my daughter and we fell in love for the first time.

Four months and counting

I was putting Katelynn down for bed the other night and singing her routine list of songs and had a little moment of realization. We were singing Jesus Loves Me and I was taken back to 4 months ago when I couldn't sing that to her. "Jesus love me, this I know, for the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong." That line would kill me every time so I started telling her pick a different song!
I looked at Katelynn and realized that four months had passed since then and Katelynn was four months older now. Time didn't stop, like sometimes it feels it has. She has grown up even in just four months. I keep looking back, not wanting to forget, wanting to stay in that moment when we were a family of four. But if I am always looking back, I am missing today. I don't want to miss Katelynn's today because I won't get that back. She is changing every day and I don't want to miss it. I just don't know how to look forward and still keep Kristen with me. Kristen will forever be an infant in my mind yet Katelynn is constantly growing and changing -- which I am so thankful for because that means she's alive and healthy. I guess I'm just scared of Kristen becoming a figment of my imagination. It's not like there's lots of memories to look back on and reminisce about. When a grandparent dies, you at least have their memories to comfort you, stories to tell and traditions to continue. I don't feel like I have that of Kristen, and the memories I do have bring me to tears and remind me of that heartbreaking weekend. I have met a number of parents online who have walked this same road and many have said they got to a place where the memory of their child no longer brought tears to their eyes, but a smile to their face. I look forward to that day.

A special Christmas gift

It's hard not to feel alone in your grief when you've lost a baby. I've chatted with a number of other moms that agree. It seems you hit the 4-6 month mark and people think that your life looks normal and you should be over it. Or you have another child and the world assumes that new child somehow fills the hole in your heart although nothing could be farther from the truth. (no, we're not pregnant!) The moms who have lost a baby and then had another child said their grief is still present, if not more so. Although filled with joy for the new life you now hold, you are ever so much more reminded of the life you are no longer holding.

All that to say I have been encouraged by the number of people that have expressed their sentiments to me/us over the last month or so. It seems the days I feel the loneliest are the days when I get a letter, card, e-mail or special little something in the mail letting me know they're still thinking of me and remembering Kristen every day. I got one such e-mail from a friend on Christmas and I asked her if I could share. This is part of it:

Also, I wanted to share with you part of my Christmas gift from Elizabeth. She wasn't sure what to get me this year, so wrote a letter instead. The following is part of what she wrote:

"I wanted my gift to be meaningful. I wanted it to show you how deeply I love, care for, and respect you. I remembered the night we were walking with Daniel and someone asked the question, 'if you could meet anyone, past or present, who would it be?' you said Kristen. I wish that was a gift I could give you. I've thought about the deep hurt, questions, and anger that resulted from the loss of precious baby Kristen. I also thought about the mysterious ways God chooses to speak to and use us. The Balcoms will be different because of one little life. You will be different because of one little life. . . . Finally, I have donated $50 to the Trisomy 18 foundation in Kristen Moriah Balcom's name. I cannot give you the gift of time with
her, but perhaps this money can be used to ensure that one day, others will not have to experience the same hurt."

I was in tears by the end of the letter. Know that baby Kristen is thought of often by me, my family, and my friends. I love you! Merry Christmas!!

Kristen's Ornament

Well, we braved the crowds and ice and actually went to the mall this evening. I had some shopping to do for our church to make up for some of the giving tree ornaments that didn't come back. On our way to Target we passed by Hallmark and decided to give it a try to find an ornament for Kristen. We looked for about 45 seconds in the baby/kid section then saw this one just to the left and knew it was perfect! We both said "That was easy!" We then looked for one for Katelynn, but that wasn't as easy. We decided to try for that one later. :)

My Shoes

My Shoes - Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other’s eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some people are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don’t hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No one deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a mother who has lost a child.


I hope to one day say I am a stronger woman because of these shoes and the experiences that go along with them, to say I have been given the strength to face anything. I have to know who I am before I can attribute that knowledge to these shoes. One day I'll walk in these shoes. Today however, I'm just learning to stand in them.

Good enough to be a tree!

So after I posted yesterday about the whole Christmas tree issue, I decided to do SOMETHING to the house. I realized that I would do it if Kristen WAS here, and I want to do it because Katelynn IS here. So I cried my way through all the Christmas decoration boxes in the garage and found a few things that I could put up without feeling too overwhelmed! I got out Katelynn's Santa photos and put those on the piano with the storytelling bear from Grandma Betty and the lit wreath from Aunt Karen. Then I found the garland I always put on the entertainment center. I figured it's evergreen-ish, it has lights and a few decorations...it can pass as our tree this year, right? I cleared out the area for the tree just in case, but when Kevin came home he agreed that for a week and a half's worth of enjoyment, what I had done was just right!

I had put everything up while Katelynn was napping so when she woke up and came down the hall she didn't quite know what to make of it - after a few attempts in her sleepy-headedness, she finally got out "we have Christmas lights!" And considering she gives the same exclamation to a house that has 10,000 lights as she does to a house that has their porch light on, I am sure I would have gotten the same reaction with or without the tree, just as long as there are Christmas lights!

One interesting side note: We had gotten Katelynn a "My first Christmas" ornament in 2006 and my parents have been getting Katelynn an ornament each year too. We had intended to get one for Kristen this year too but just haven't yet. As I was pulling out the various ornaments, I found Katelynn's from last year and if I didn't know any better, I would have thought it was for Kristen! It's a pretty child-like angle with her eyes closed.So that's the one hanging in the middle of all our decorations this year.

To Tree or not toTree? That is the question

I had been prepared to decorate our home this year for Christmas, until I looked at the calendar. We'll be heading to Spokane to be with family for the week of Christmas and that's just a week and a half away. I really enjoyed decorating last year, but this year Christmas just doesn't have the same zeal it used to. Now, don't get me wrong. I know the real meaning of Christmas and I'm not saying that's not important. It's just hard to be "merry and bright" and celebrate the birth of a baby when your heart's broken over the loss of your own.
I don't necessarily want to skip out on the tradition of decorating the tree with Kevin and Katelynn but feel it would just be an exercise of normalcy for sake of a forced "normal". I was looking forward to hanging a special ornament for Kristen and hearing Katelynn's constant squeals over Christmas lights! (we finally had to tell her not to scream in the car at EVERY light, even non-Christmas lights!) It's not that I want to be a Scrooge, but to be completely honest I just don't think I have what it takes this year. I question if it will help me get through the underlying sadness, seeing all the pretty lights and ornaments, or be a constant reminder that I don't have a little 4 month old cooing at the lights or that we won't have a family of 4 picture in front of it. We won't have tons of gifts to put under the tree, (and if we did, they wouldn't go there until Dec 24th anyway, we DO still have an almost three year old running around!!) and the ones we do have will be opened at family gatherings. So I am left to wonder if all the effort of getting out the tree and decorating it for a week's worth of enjoyment would truly bring that enjoyment, although greatly needed, I just don't know if it's worth it.
I guess we'll find out if the next post is "look at our pretty tree!" :)

Daddys Black Bonnett Part 2

So let me begin by saying that we are way behind in updating our blog. Sorry. This is at least a week and a half behind.

This was my second session in the completion of my tattoo. It was a 2 hour session. As Mike, my tattoo artist stated, this session was just to lay the "base coat of color" down. It's hard to see in the photo, but 15 of the 18 feathers have a purple undertone to them. 3 of them are orange. Again, the 18 feathers represents the genetic defect that Kristen had, Edwards syndrome aka Trisomy 18. The 3 orange feathers represents the 18th chromosome having 3 chromosomes. My next session will be the last one and will be a 3 hour session. In that session is when the colors will be blended more with blues and greens on the 15 feathers and the other 3 will have red and yellows added to them. Kristen's feet will be colored in, the whole thing will have shadows added to give the tattoo some dimension, and the ribbons will be finalized.

I had this done on Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. Within 2 days, it began to peel, unlike the outline which took about a week to start peeling. It was kind of weird having red and purple skin peel off. I have to try really hard not to scratch it as it really really itches.

The funny thing about having a tattoo is now Katelynn says "I want one, a red one." My response, when your 18. Oh the joys of an almost 3 year old.

What were you doing three months ago today?

Hard to believe our answer to this question is having a baby! The day started out with joy and anticipation, not all went as hoped because by the end of the day there was fear and confusion. We did get to birth our baby (although not as planned) and welcome her into our world which our society marks as ones birthday, even if she was only here for three days. So, happy three month birthday Baby Kristen!

And thank you to my friend Cara for calling today to remember her and wish her a happy three month birthday! It was such an appreciated and joyful way for her to let us know she hasn't forgotten what we live everyday. It's nice to have someone mention Kristen's name fondly, it brings a smile to my face, which I've been told I need to do more often! I found out over Thanksgiving that people haven't wanted to mention her for fear of "offending" me/us. If they only knew how much I WISH I could talk about her, how much I long for someone to mention her name or for me not to cause an awkward silence when I do. But as I've learned from my other T18 Mommies, that's our new normal and we just learn to celebrate our own little milestones in our own little way.

For me I want to remember her birth, not her death. So I want to remind people of her birth "day" just like mommies of live babies do, but it seems awkward and it has such "bad timing". In November, it's the day before my father-in-law's birthday. In December, it will be four days after Christmas and the day before my mom's birthday. In January, it will be three days before Katelynn's 3rd birthday. There isn't a February 29th this year, so we skip that month altogether! Then March will be 6 months!!

So, what was I doing three months ago tonight? I was becoming the mommy of a beautiful little girl named Kristen whom I will always celebrate!!

Remembering Kristen at Christmas

I've been thinking a lot lately how to best honor/remember Kristen this Christmas without making it be all about her. I want to celebrate the life she had on earth, the life she is enjoying in heaven and not so much about the earthly death she experienced. She's part of our family. She always will be, but how do we incorporate that? I don't want her to be forgotten or overlooked because she's not here in person. This would have been her first Christmas and there are lots of things that we do for a baby's first Christmas - do we have to miss out on that opportunity? That's one thing that I struggle with is having experiences stolen from us. The dates still come and go on the calendar, but not with the anticipation and excitement they once did. We're still excited for Katelynn to experience the joys and wonder of Christmas, but there's just something about celebrating the birth of a baby while mourning the loss of one. Yeah, I know, if it wasn't for Jesus we wouldn't have the hope we do that Kristen is in a better place and we'll see her one day.....but I still want her here with me and that will never change. The desires are still there to to get a cute little tiny Christmas dress for her, have her photo with Santa, and feel the joy Mary did as she held her newborn.

I've been wanting to some how incorporate her into our family traditions and maybe somehow into a family photo via a stuffed animal or something. Some people may feel uncomfortable with us wanting to incorporate Kristen into our family traditions, but until they loose a baby and find themselves making similar decisions, they can keep their opinions to themselves! :) I won't have her ignored just because she's not here.

So I/We've decided to do a few things.
1. We're still going to get her a little stocking. I've read suggestions to write her little notes or tell little stories, so it becomes kind of an on-going time capsule, chronicling our journey. But then that way she'd always be part of our family "line-up" at Christmas.

2. She'll still have an ornament on the tree. That's been a tradition my parents have always done. I want to get her one too. Below is a link to the ornaments that the Trisomy 18 Foundation sells, raising money for the foundation that supports the families of babies diagnosed, living with or lost from Trisomy 18.


3. Buying gifts: it seems kind of weird to be buying gifts for a baby that would never play with them, but it also seems weird NOT to be buying gifts for a baby this year. So I decided I would get a giving tree or Toys for Tots baby and buy a few gifts for them in honor of Kristen. I could do that every year in her honor (for a child that would be the same age as she would have been that year) and our kids could do it too as they got old enough to understand. I may even have Katelynn help pick out the gift this year or have her give one herself.

4. Christmas card/letter: I've been meaning to do one for years and never did....not sure if I will this year or not. I would want to send a photo, but how do we best represent our family of four with just three people? And it feels kinda weird writing a letter that usually tells of the previous year "Kevin loves his new job, Katelynn started preschool, we had a baby and we lost a baby, and Merry Christmas!" But I also want people to know about our family's year as there was more that happened than just Kristen. But I suppose all the people I would be sending it to already know!

I'm sure I'll add to and/or modify this "Christmas List" as time goes by. But it gives me/us somewhere to start. I don't know theologically if Kristen can see/experience us here on earth, but I can rest in the fact that the Christmas celebration she gets to witness will be out of this world!

One busy week/weekend!!

My friend Charissa came to the NW from Indiana for work and was able to work out coming to see us in the middle of her trip. We hadn't seen each other since 2005 when Kevin and I went to visit her and her family in Indianapolis (while I was 5 months pregnant with Katelynn, so it'd been a while!). Kevin and I worked out to stay the night in Portland Friday by ourselves and then picked her up on Saturday afternoon after spending the day at the Clackamas Mall and then drove back to Tacoma. We had more on our to-do list than we had energy so we had to pair down our agenda a bit!
**SIDE NOTE** While we were checking out of our hotel, a lady in the elevator asked what my black pin was and I was so caught off guard that all I could come up with was "um, it's because we lost a baby." She looked shocked and said "Oh, I'm sorry" and looked away almost sorry that she asked. We got off the elevator and walked away and I reran the conversation in my head for the next few hours. I should have thanked her for asking or something more than what I did say. Later I mentioned to a sales lady at the mall that I was shopping for new clothes since I recently had a baby and she asked me how old my little one was. I told her that she had passed away. She apologized but I thanked her for asking anyway. That felt better, but I definitely need to work on my response if I am going to wear my pin!
We spent Sunday in Ellensburg visiting with my parents. We like to meet them there for lunch and visit for a bit instead of one of us having to do the whole drive to/from Spokane in a weekend. We came home that night and went to the Purchase With A Purpose at the mall so Katelynn could get her photo with Santa - which was a whole adventure in and of itself! (I'll post the photo when I get it scanned, it's funny now that's it's over, but it was sure an ordeal that night!) Then Monday we needed a break so we skipped MOPS and ran some errands.
Then Tuesday we went up to Seattle and Pike Place Market where we spent most of the day. She got to see the flying fish, the beautiful produce, the interesting and unique vendors and of course paid a visit to the original first Starbucks store! We spent the rest of the night shopping for her family and for me - trying to replace my prego wardrobe with a more updated and modern looking one that will fit my post-baby body! Wednesday we were too tired from the day before (and still had quite a bit on our to-do list) so we skipped preschool and stayed home. I shared Creative Memories with her and she shared Mary Kay with me as we colored/high-lighted my hair. (to go with my new updated wardrobe! actually I had been wanting to do it for some time) That night we had our friend Kelly come over for dinner and to visit. Then Thursday morning Katelynn and I took Charissa to the Amtrak station for her ride down to Salem where she would be meeting up with her co-workers again. We then went to get Katelynn's hair cut "officially" for the first time. That will be a post all it's own!
Needless to say it was quite a full 6 days for us! It was a nice to have a few days where I could "act normal" and not feel like a grieving mother/wife. However, that took it's toll. I realized the night before she left and more so after she was gone that "acting normal" felt like a disservice to her as my friend as well as to Kristen. I wanted to make sure my friend and I had a good time and I unknowingly decided that wouldn't include me as Kristen's mom. I wanted so much in my pretending to "feel" normal or what I thought was normal, that I wasn't allowing myself to be me, the good and not-so-good. But just like that day at MOPS that I blogged about, the only person I was pretending for (and probably the only one I was fooling) was me! So although I regret not sharing that with my friend while she was here, I am so thankful for the time I did have, the fun we did have, and the realization of what "being me" means.

Kristen's Bridge

Our friends, Rod and Sandy, spent a good portion of the summer working on a water feature in their yard. No little water feature, mind you! A very impressive one complete with a bridge and everything! While we were at the hospital surrounded by friends and family on Kristen's last day, we were sharing how we were told to cross certain bridges as we get there, and not worry about them until we get there. There was a lot of uncertainty in our lives at that moment (as there still is 2 months later!) so we kept saying "we'll cross that bridge when we get there." What will we tell Katelynn? we'll cross that bridge when we get there. what will we do with Kristen's body? we'll cross that bridge when we get there. How do we tell people about Kristen since they're expecting "exciting news"? we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Unbeknown to us, during that conversation Rod's son Shaun mentioned to his dad the idea of dedicating their new bridge to Kristen. So when it was ready they invited us over for dinner along with another family that had been helping us through some of the tough stuff. I thought it was just for dinner, but as we were gathering in the kitchen, Rod asked if we had all walked across the bridge now that it was done. We said yes, but he suggested we all go out again and look at it one more time. I thought it was a little odd, but followed the crowd. Soon you could sense a tad bit of awkwardness as everyone was trying to fit on the bridge - not just walking across, they all knew why they were there, we didn't.
That was when Rod began sharing the story of how the idea to dedicate the bridge to Kristen came up. He then unwrapped a tall post that had been covered with plastic for the last week or two. It unveiled a beautiful plaque with a dedication to Kristen and the quote that has been used numerous times to celebrate her life. It was beautiful and completely unexpected! (just the night before I had joked at our bible study when someone asked why the post was covered, I said it was for the toll booth that was yet to be installed....little did I know!) Rod told us they wanted to offer a place for us to remember our daughter any time we wanted to.
I didn't realize what that would mean to me personally until we started our fall bible study at their house. I walk by the bridge every Monday night and every time I do I find myself saying in my heart "Hi sweetie!". Because we had Kristen cremated, we don't have a physical place to go to remember her like some do at a cemetery. But I do have a place that I can go when I need to "have a moment", and I can cross that bridge anytime I want.
Thank you Rod and Sandy.

Daddy's Black Bonnett

So, this has been in the works for a while now. I knew that at some point I was going to get a tattoo of all my kids' hand prints. I was wondering how it would turn out whether to do hand prints on my back or on my arms or on my chest. So when Kristen was still in the womb I decided that the placement of such tattoos would be on my upper arms on both sides. Then Kristen was born and passed and all my plans went out the window. While we were at Tacoma General and many thanks to Sally, our nurse at the NICU at T.G., we got several really great foot prints of Kristen's. It was in those moments and days following Kristen's life celebration party that I decided to do Kristen's foot prints on my upper arms. Since we said she got her wings, I decided that I wanted angel wings surrounding her foot prints. After many hours on the internet and going to the library to look in books for wing designs, I was given a copy of a set of wings that I had in mind when I started looking for wings. Thanks Rick for the help.

I then started to do my research for a tattoo shop. Again, many many hours were spent on the internet trying to learn as much as I could about what to expect. I went to a shop in Tacoma, walked in an almost walked back out in the same breathe. I talked with the owner of the shop and was brushed off, like they were to busy to help me. Back on the internet I went. I found another shop online, this one in Puyallup. Tara and I stopped by one night, and needless to say I was impressed. The owner of this shop was not with somebody so we started talking. The information he gave me was great. I really liked the atmosphere of the shop, it was well lit and all 3 artists seemed to be pretty friendly. The next step was to look through the portfolios of each artist and decide which one I wanted. I came back when Mike, my artist, was working and gave him the general idea of what I wanted. It was fairly easy but there were some must have's in the design. It took him a couple of weeks to draw up my design.

So here I sit, 2 hours before my appointment and am nervously excited to get the first part of my tattoo started. It will be a 2 session tattoo, the first session will be about 2 hours only being able to do the outlining and shadowing of my design. The next session, in about a month, will be 2-3 hours and the one to add all the color to my design. I am really excited.....
So obviously the picture of my arm is before. Also Katelynn wanted a picture of her arm too, just like daddy. Keep checking back as I will be uploading pictures of my arm after it's done tonight.

Peace out.

K

Today's the 29th....

Kristen would have been two months old today! It's amazing how fast time has gone. It seems like years ago that I posted on our blog about the next morning going in to be induced and that hopefully all the findings on the ultrasounds would be reversed and we'd have a miracle baby....we still got a miracle baby, just not how we had hoped.

This last weekend we had a reunion with the other couples from our birth class. Out of ten couples, three of us had our babies on the same day! It was amazing to see all the babies at their different ages, one was almost three months old, and the youngest was just 4 weeks. I got to hold Casper, one of Kristen's birthday buddies. It was crazy to think that I would have had a baby that old by now. Kristen was to tiny and still, that holding a 2 month old seemed foreign!
We took Katelynn along so she could see all the babies and also so we wouldn't be empty handed. Casper has an older sister that came too so the two girls got to keep each other busy. I wasn't sure how I was going to do with all the sharing of birth stories and comparing of how parenthood is going. I did pretty well, only having a few moments where I felt a little out of place. It was when we took the photos of all the babies together that I really felt it. They lined them up according to age and that was when I knew someone was missing. Patti (our class instructor) and I had thought a few weeks ago that we could have Katelynn be in the photo with the babies but that didn't work out. It was still nice to be there to see everyone and a number of the other parents made sure to include us in their conversations. I am glad we went, and I did my best to be genuinely happy for the other parents, and I was....but it wasn't easy.

Sneaky Tsunami

I've posted about "waves" and how grief will come and go and we just have to "ride the wave." Well, the last week seemed rather calm. I entered the weekend thinking I was doing pretty good, life seemed stable, I felt "ok". We had Grandpa Bill's memorial service on Saturday and I did really well. (Kevin's grandpa died three weeks before Kristen was born.) But then Sunday morning I didn't feel all that great, but didn't think too much of it. It wasn't until late Monday afternoon that I realized I had been hit by a tsunami. (click the post title to read the rest)


The tide had quickly receded and all was calm....just like what they showed on the news with the tsunamis in Indonesia. Then the wall quietly yet powerfully came and crashed over me. It wasn't until almost 2 days had passed that I even realized what had happened and that I had been knocked over! I had the opportunity to share with my MOPS group on Monday a little about my story so far. I had plenty of encouraging comments and people thanking me for sharing but I felt horrible and felt I had made a mistake in sharing. It wasn't until later that afternoon during a conversation with a friend that I saw what had happened. When I shared that morning I was still in my "I'm fine" mode and wanted to portray that image. I had felt "fine" for a while now so I must be "fine." But as I began to share, I heard my own words tell the story with a broken heart and I told of the struggles I'm still having and I was shocked! I wasn't "fine" and the only person I had fooled was myself! I had hoped to give this great testimony of Kristen's life and have it be a happy ending, feel-good story.....I found out it's too soon for that. The story's not done yet.
I got home from MOPS and the rest of that day just continued to crumble. Things were off kilter when I got home but I had to rush off to my 6-week check up with my midwife. The nurse that checked me in hadn't really looked my chart over and started asking me the routine questions that were on her computer screen "number of pregnancies.....number of children......date of delivery.....vaginal or cesarean......breastfeeding or bottle feeding....." After that one I finally told her the baby didn't make it, not realizing during all the other questions she had no idea! She felt horrible of course, but it just added to the stress of the day! My midwife apologized when she came in that that happened, but I know it will happen the rest of my life - it's just a little harder to respond to right now....and especially on a day like that!
So on the way home from that appt, I called a friend that helped me realize that I had been hit by a sneaky tsunami. I wanted and still want so much to be "fine" and feel like a normal person that I ignore the waves that have to be ridden. I remember in my scuba lessons they always say "don't turn your back on the sea" because waves will come and surprise you....guess I should have listened!

Invisible Provision

While we were pregnant with Kristen we were in a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University course learning how to be and live debt free. While we're still working on the finer points, one thing we learned to trust in and rely on was God's provision. That was one of the main reasons we gave Kristen the middle name of Moriah, which means God will provide.
Well, one of the areas we've kind of taken for granted, or at least not been mindful to thank God for, has been our insurance coverage. We've been getting "explanation of benefits" (EOB) statements over the last few weeks, and will probably get them for another month or so. They just state that a bill has been sent to our insurance company and we'd get a bill later for what they don't cover. So I called today to find out what OUR final bill was going to look like. I didn't want to get down the road and get a bill in the mail that we wouldn't be able to pay, and not be ready for a blow like that. So while I was on hold I looked online what the current running total was with the electronic EOB's and I found we're currently at around $85,000...so far. I know that's pennies compared to what some people end up paying to keep their little ones alive with cesarean surgeries and NICU expenses, but it's a little hard knowing that we racked up that kind of bill, yet didn't get to bring our baby home. Granted, I could also say it only cost $85K to have been able to spend 4 days with her!
So anyway, the customer service rep gets on the phone and I tell her what I am trying figure out and she asks a series of questions then says, "well, it looks like you're 100% covered." I had to clarify, you mean no copays, no random charges are going to come popping up? Nope! (There's one charge that got coded wrong and she's having to resubmit it so we don't have to pay it, but that was their error.) So, once more I'm reminded that God is providing for us, even when we're not mindful of it. There have been so many ways that God has provided for us, and not just financially, but that's definitely been a huge one! I was thinking it was going to be hard to "be thankful" this Thanksgiving, but I know we have plenty to be thankful for. I guess a good adjective for this kind of situation is "bittersweet."