I was putting Katelynn down for bed the other night and singing her routine list of songs and had a little moment of realization. We were singing Jesus Loves Me and I was taken back to 4 months ago when I couldn't sing that to her. "Jesus love me, this I know, for the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong." That line would kill me every time so I started telling her pick a different song!
I looked at Katelynn and realized that four months had passed since then and Katelynn was four months older now. Time didn't stop, like sometimes it feels it has. She has grown up even in just four months. I keep looking back, not wanting to forget, wanting to stay in that moment when we were a family of four. But if I am always looking back, I am missing today. I don't want to miss Katelynn's today because I won't get that back. She is changing every day and I don't want to miss it. I just don't know how to look forward and still keep Kristen with me. Kristen will forever be an infant in my mind yet Katelynn is constantly growing and changing -- which I am so thankful for because that means she's alive and healthy. I guess I'm just scared of Kristen becoming a figment of my imagination. It's not like there's lots of memories to look back on and reminisce about. When a grandparent dies, you at least have their memories to comfort you, stories to tell and traditions to continue. I don't feel like I have that of Kristen, and the memories I do have bring me to tears and remind me of that heartbreaking weekend. I have met a number of parents online who have walked this same road and many have said they got to a place where the memory of their child no longer brought tears to their eyes, but a smile to their face. I look forward to that day.
Tara, thank you so much for sharing your heart so honestly! You are walking through one of the most difficult situations anyone can face, and yet you find such encouragement as you seek the Lord. It's amazing, and truly inspiring.
ReplyDeleteI've had to care for a few women lately who have had mid-pregnancy losses, and though it's absolutely heartbreaking, it's also presented opportunities to pray for my patients aloud, a rare occasion but needed ministry.
Kara told me that I ought to let you know that the piece I wrote in dedication to you won 5th place....and a few more people said prayers on your behalf. You can read it yourself here: http://www.faithwriters.com/wc-article-level1-previous.php?id=25448
I love you dearly and am praying for you!
Leah