I just do.

I miss Kristen tonight. I've had a few times like these lately where I have flashbacks and am kinda taken by surprise by the power of my memories and the overwhelming emotion associated with them. Just remembering that last morning/day with her and doing my best to "stay present" in the midst of everything. I remember feeling so intensely and allowing myself to emote in anyway I wanted to. There's freedom and amazing physical release in sobbing. That was the first time I think I ever really did it - for real.
I often wonder if I try not to remember out of fear that it will take away the joy from having Ashely. But instead I'm just reminded. Reminded how awful that was and how wonderful this is. I'm reminded to be thankful even on days like today when Ashley seemed to cry for most of the day. Oh what I would have given to hear Kristen cry. But instead I have memories of her sweet little snoring sounds and her little noises she'd make.
I wish I had more positive memories of her. I do have some, but most of them are overshadowed by the pain of the whole experience. I want to be able to look back and smile - which I do, sometimes. But when I let myself really remember, it hurts. I guess the thoughts of Kristen make me happy - she was and always will be my baby. But its the memories that are harder to deal with.
I hear parents all the time say when they're expecting their 2nd child "how will I be able to love another one as much as I love my first?" I struggle with wondering how I will be able to still miss and grieve my 2nd and still enjoy and love my 3rd. But the answer is the same for both questions "You just do."
I am so in love with Ashley (and Katelynn) and I so deeply miss Kristen. I just do.