Ain't too proud to brag!

I know the original phrase is "Ain't too proud to beg" but I'm bragging about Katelynn today! :) And for two totally different reasons!
First:
Our preschool did an "Ages and Stages Questionaire" based on our child's age. It asked a series of questions that we answered for our child with either, yes, sometimes, or not yet. There were different categories of questions like what kind of sentences do they say, can they stand on one foot without holding on, various drawing questions, some problems solving questions and then some personal/social questions. I didn't get to finish the whole thing because I was the classroom helper that day, so the parent instructor took my test and graded it for me anyway. She noted on each section what the target score was and what Katelynn scored. The one I did was for a 33 month old, she was 32 when I did it. Check this out!!
Communication: 5 of 6 answered, Target 35, Score 45
Gross Motor: 6 of 6 answered, Target 25, Score 55!!
Fine Motor: 3 of 6 answered, Target 25, Score 30
Problem Solving: 5 of 6 answered, Target 25, Score 45
Personal/Social: 6 of 6 answered, Target 25, Score 55!!
So out of 35 questions we only answered 25 and she still scored 230 with a target of 135! You can see why I'm so proud! I wasn't going to post about the questionnaire at first, but my mom said "why not!? that lets people know about the good things in life that help keep you going."

Second area of pride:
We've been in the throngs of potty training since summer, but more intently this last week. The weekend we were in the hospital with Kristen our family just assumed she was potty training so they worked on it with her at home and had great results! But we came home and didn't have the energy to keep it up. We've worked on it on and off since, but not "for real." So when we ran out of diapers last weekend, we decided it was time! I bought more training panties and a package of pull-ups, which we call her "nite-time panties" and we did our best. Each day we still had some "issues" but yesterday was the best. I had gotten food poisoning from the night before and really wasn't in the mood to be potty training and cleaning up messes, but went ahead and put panties on her anyway. She did awesome! She wore her "nite-time panties" for naptime and other than that, she went in the toilet every single time! No messes, no wet clothes! Today we're not doing so good, but it's all happened in the bathroom, so it could be worse, just makes for a lot of laundry! But yesterday was so exciting for her and us! (even in the midst of being horribly sick!)

Daddy's Black Bonnett

So, this has been in the works for a while now. I knew that at some point I was going to get a tattoo of all my kids' hand prints. I was wondering how it would turn out whether to do hand prints on my back or on my arms or on my chest. So when Kristen was still in the womb I decided that the placement of such tattoos would be on my upper arms on both sides. Then Kristen was born and passed and all my plans went out the window. While we were at Tacoma General and many thanks to Sally, our nurse at the NICU at T.G., we got several really great foot prints of Kristen's. It was in those moments and days following Kristen's life celebration party that I decided to do Kristen's foot prints on my upper arms. Since we said she got her wings, I decided that I wanted angel wings surrounding her foot prints. After many hours on the internet and going to the library to look in books for wing designs, I was given a copy of a set of wings that I had in mind when I started looking for wings. Thanks Rick for the help.

I then started to do my research for a tattoo shop. Again, many many hours were spent on the internet trying to learn as much as I could about what to expect. I went to a shop in Tacoma, walked in an almost walked back out in the same breathe. I talked with the owner of the shop and was brushed off, like they were to busy to help me. Back on the internet I went. I found another shop online, this one in Puyallup. Tara and I stopped by one night, and needless to say I was impressed. The owner of this shop was not with somebody so we started talking. The information he gave me was great. I really liked the atmosphere of the shop, it was well lit and all 3 artists seemed to be pretty friendly. The next step was to look through the portfolios of each artist and decide which one I wanted. I came back when Mike, my artist, was working and gave him the general idea of what I wanted. It was fairly easy but there were some must have's in the design. It took him a couple of weeks to draw up my design.

So here I sit, 2 hours before my appointment and am nervously excited to get the first part of my tattoo started. It will be a 2 session tattoo, the first session will be about 2 hours only being able to do the outlining and shadowing of my design. The next session, in about a month, will be 2-3 hours and the one to add all the color to my design. I am really excited.....
So obviously the picture of my arm is before. Also Katelynn wanted a picture of her arm too, just like daddy. Keep checking back as I will be uploading pictures of my arm after it's done tonight.

Peace out.

K

Daddy's Black Bonnett Part 2.

Ok, so now that almost 24 hrs has passed, my arm is feeling like a mild sun burn. Tara and I were at the tattoo shop for a little over an hour and a half last night. My artist Mike did an outstanding job interpreting the couple of pictures that I gave him and turned those into a great memorial tattoo for Kristen.

So a little about the tattoo. I wanted angel wings, feet prints, and some form of information about Kristen but not much. Here are a couple of my ideas that I gave Mike to work with.



The picture to the left is obviously a picture of wings. I wanted wings that looked strong and powerful and not like the Valentine's Day angels that are cartoonish. I also wanted Kristen's foot prints to be encompassed by the wings, like the angel that the wings were attached to were protecting Kristen. I also wanted 18 main feathers towards the bottom of the wing. 18 for tribute to Trisomy 18. Along with the 18 feathers, 3 of them had to be different somehow. 3 to represent the 3 chromosomes that was a result of the Trisomy 18. 18th chromosome having 3 chromosomes instead of 2. Make sense? So Mike was given all that information and came up with this........


Now for what the outline looks like. Keep in mind that this will be a multi session tattoo job. The first session last night was just for the outline of the whole thing. Here's what I ended up with....
Again, there are 18 "main" feathers, 9 on each wing. 3 of those will be done differently than the others. I haven't decided how yet, either different coloring or shading or something. But they will be different. Again, this is just the first session. I will post more when I get more done. Let me know what you think.

Peace out

K

Today's the 29th....

Kristen would have been two months old today! It's amazing how fast time has gone. It seems like years ago that I posted on our blog about the next morning going in to be induced and that hopefully all the findings on the ultrasounds would be reversed and we'd have a miracle baby....we still got a miracle baby, just not how we had hoped.

This last weekend we had a reunion with the other couples from our birth class. Out of ten couples, three of us had our babies on the same day! It was amazing to see all the babies at their different ages, one was almost three months old, and the youngest was just 4 weeks. I got to hold Casper, one of Kristen's birthday buddies. It was crazy to think that I would have had a baby that old by now. Kristen was to tiny and still, that holding a 2 month old seemed foreign!
We took Katelynn along so she could see all the babies and also so we wouldn't be empty handed. Casper has an older sister that came too so the two girls got to keep each other busy. I wasn't sure how I was going to do with all the sharing of birth stories and comparing of how parenthood is going. I did pretty well, only having a few moments where I felt a little out of place. It was when we took the photos of all the babies together that I really felt it. They lined them up according to age and that was when I knew someone was missing. Patti (our class instructor) and I had thought a few weeks ago that we could have Katelynn be in the photo with the babies but that didn't work out. It was still nice to be there to see everyone and a number of the other parents made sure to include us in their conversations. I am glad we went, and I did my best to be genuinely happy for the other parents, and I was....but it wasn't easy.

Seasons of Change

I started this when Katelynn was just 8 1/2 months old in our backyard - not thinking it would become a tradition, but isn't that how traditions start!? I was really looking forward to this "photo shoot" with two kids, but that just wasn't in the cards this year. I was thinking of incorporating something to symbolize Kristen in the photos, having Katelynn hold a doll, or put my remembrance pin on her jacket, but decided not to. I guess the leaves are still nice, I could always do another one.

I am amazed at how she has changed yet stayed the same....I wonder what next year's photo will look like!? Wonder if the pink coat will still fit!? :)

(you can click on the photo to see a large version)

Katelynn's Reading Video

Katelynn found my calendar on the ottoman this afternoon and started "reading" it. She's done this before with other random books, saying she was reading the bible. She had already been reading for a few minutes by the time we got the camera out and started recording.
You can hear her say a few things pretty distinctly, the rest is just a 2 and a half year old! :)
Things we could make out:
"Miss you so much"
"Give hugs and give kisses"
"We miss you always"
"Yeah, it's a good book"
When asked what the title is: "Give gift cards (to) you and your receipt" then she found a piece of paper and says "and your receipt is right here."

There's rarely a dull moment when Katelynn's around!!
(If the video doesn't play, you can see it on YouTube as well - here)

Back to the everyday

It had been brought to my attention that with a few exceptions, this blog hasn't had too many "happy" posts. If you don't notice the date spans of each entry, you'd think I was a mess! I've used this as my outlet to process the occasional (and not so occasional) waves of thoughts, memories, ideas, and just plain brain fog that comes along with a loss. There have been weeks where I had something to post everyday, other weeks where it was all I could do to post once! Sometimes I've had content but no time, other days just no words. I've been finding that when things are "good" that I don't write because I am enjoying a few days of "good." But I had to remind myself that this blog originally started as a place to share our family's day-to-day with family and friends and I am going to try to get back to that. I guess I started feeling I had to write for the masses and the various "strangers" that would come across our site. But I would want them to know that life goes on just the same as I want them to see how one family deals/dealt with the loss of their baby. I want Katelynn to be able to look back at my entries some day and see that we still had fun as a family. I want to post about Katelynn's funny sayings, her first trip to the dentist, the fun we're having with potty training, playdates we have, what we learned at preschool, you know, the everyday stuff! And hopefully, one day I will be able to look back too and see that life is still good! We do have good days, more and more lately. And I need to chronicle those just as much as I have been the not-so-good days.
So I am hoping to post at least a few times a week, if not everyday. We'll see! I can guarantee, life with a 2 1/2 year old doesn't leave me lacking for content, but it does leave me lacking for time!

Sneaky Tsunami

I've posted about "waves" and how grief will come and go and we just have to "ride the wave." Well, the last week seemed rather calm. I entered the weekend thinking I was doing pretty good, life seemed stable, I felt "ok". We had Grandpa Bill's memorial service on Saturday and I did really well. (Kevin's grandpa died three weeks before Kristen was born.) But then Sunday morning I didn't feel all that great, but didn't think too much of it. It wasn't until late Monday afternoon that I realized I had been hit by a tsunami. (click the post title to read the rest)


The tide had quickly receded and all was calm....just like what they showed on the news with the tsunamis in Indonesia. Then the wall quietly yet powerfully came and crashed over me. It wasn't until almost 2 days had passed that I even realized what had happened and that I had been knocked over! I had the opportunity to share with my MOPS group on Monday a little about my story so far. I had plenty of encouraging comments and people thanking me for sharing but I felt horrible and felt I had made a mistake in sharing. It wasn't until later that afternoon during a conversation with a friend that I saw what had happened. When I shared that morning I was still in my "I'm fine" mode and wanted to portray that image. I had felt "fine" for a while now so I must be "fine." But as I began to share, I heard my own words tell the story with a broken heart and I told of the struggles I'm still having and I was shocked! I wasn't "fine" and the only person I had fooled was myself! I had hoped to give this great testimony of Kristen's life and have it be a happy ending, feel-good story.....I found out it's too soon for that. The story's not done yet.
I got home from MOPS and the rest of that day just continued to crumble. Things were off kilter when I got home but I had to rush off to my 6-week check up with my midwife. The nurse that checked me in hadn't really looked my chart over and started asking me the routine questions that were on her computer screen "number of pregnancies.....number of children......date of delivery.....vaginal or cesarean......breastfeeding or bottle feeding....." After that one I finally told her the baby didn't make it, not realizing during all the other questions she had no idea! She felt horrible of course, but it just added to the stress of the day! My midwife apologized when she came in that that happened, but I know it will happen the rest of my life - it's just a little harder to respond to right now....and especially on a day like that!
So on the way home from that appt, I called a friend that helped me realize that I had been hit by a sneaky tsunami. I wanted and still want so much to be "fine" and feel like a normal person that I ignore the waves that have to be ridden. I remember in my scuba lessons they always say "don't turn your back on the sea" because waves will come and surprise you....guess I should have listened!

Invisible Provision

While we were pregnant with Kristen we were in a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University course learning how to be and live debt free. While we're still working on the finer points, one thing we learned to trust in and rely on was God's provision. That was one of the main reasons we gave Kristen the middle name of Moriah, which means God will provide.
Well, one of the areas we've kind of taken for granted, or at least not been mindful to thank God for, has been our insurance coverage. We've been getting "explanation of benefits" (EOB) statements over the last few weeks, and will probably get them for another month or so. They just state that a bill has been sent to our insurance company and we'd get a bill later for what they don't cover. So I called today to find out what OUR final bill was going to look like. I didn't want to get down the road and get a bill in the mail that we wouldn't be able to pay, and not be ready for a blow like that. So while I was on hold I looked online what the current running total was with the electronic EOB's and I found we're currently at around $85,000...so far. I know that's pennies compared to what some people end up paying to keep their little ones alive with cesarean surgeries and NICU expenses, but it's a little hard knowing that we racked up that kind of bill, yet didn't get to bring our baby home. Granted, I could also say it only cost $85K to have been able to spend 4 days with her!
So anyway, the customer service rep gets on the phone and I tell her what I am trying figure out and she asks a series of questions then says, "well, it looks like you're 100% covered." I had to clarify, you mean no copays, no random charges are going to come popping up? Nope! (There's one charge that got coded wrong and she's having to resubmit it so we don't have to pay it, but that was their error.) So, once more I'm reminded that God is providing for us, even when we're not mindful of it. There have been so many ways that God has provided for us, and not just financially, but that's definitely been a huge one! I was thinking it was going to be hard to "be thankful" this Thanksgiving, but I know we have plenty to be thankful for. I guess a good adjective for this kind of situation is "bittersweet."

If You Want Me To

I added a new song to our play list. It helped get me through some tough times in college and when I heard it the other day, the hope and reassurance it brought me then, came back just as strong. Its a reminder to me that God and His promises don't change just because our circumstances do.

Ginny Owens - If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I walk through the darkness If You want me to

The Baby in the Baking Aisle

A few nights ago Katelynn and I made a quick dash to the grocery store to get a few things for something I had been wanting to bake. While we were in the baking aisle, a little girl came running in our direction. Blonde as can be, probably a little over 2 years old, and completely alone. There wasn't anyone between me and the parking lot and I was at least 3/4 of the way from the front of the store. I squatted down and asked her where her mommy was. She turned around to look down the aisle and I followed her gaze. I still didn't see anyone. Then I saw a cart crossing the front of the store with a car seat on top and a frantic mom pushing from behind. When she saw the little girl she pulled her cart back around to come down the aisle towards us. I don't remember all that she said to me, but she thanked me with a tired smile as she put her daughter in the basket. She turned the cart around and we saw she had an infant in the car seat, probably no more than a month old. I replied I know how it feels and she said something about not knowing which one to stay with - leave the baby to chase the toddler, or stay with the baby as the toddler runs off. I had to remember that she couldn't see the baby that I envisioned in my cart, and to her I really had no idea what it was like to have two little ones.
As she left, Katelynn said, "Mommy, she have baby! Baby cute!" And I replied affirmatively as I always do (or at least try to do!), "Yes, Katelynn she does have a baby, doesn't she?" And I heard myself quietly reply out loud, "I wish I had one too." It was one of those moments I have every once in a while where I catch a glimpse of what life was supposed to look like. I'm caught off guard and my eyes start to well up and my throat tightens. I could only imagine what her day had been like. Here it is dinner time and she's at the grocery store with both kids. How many times had she tried to run to the store but never made it out of the house? Or did she spend the day at work wishing to be with her kids? I don't know what her day was like, but in that moment I wished I too had a car seat in my cart, even if it meant chasing a 2 year old down the baking aisle.

I wasn't going to post that little incedent, but it's been rolling around in my head and making too much noise. I figured that if I wrote it down I might be able to get to sleep....we'll see if it works!

Katelynn's First Train Ride!

I had to take some paperwork to our new dentist and since they're downtown, I thought it would be fun to take the light rail. It's the free train that goes through downtown Tacoma. We could have driven, but I figured for future dentist visits, she'd get to ride the train as an incentive! So we parked down by the Dome and road the train from the beginning to end, only about 4 stops, an 8 minute ride, but to a 2 year old, it was forever and SOO exciting!! Here's some cute photos.

The train started moving and she was so excited! We sat near the front so she could see ahead of us too.

She saw other people standing and holding the rails, so she thought she should too! (even though she was sitting! so cute!)

Here she is doing the sign for train. She did it for almost 2-3 minutes of the ride as she kept asking where the tracks were!

We finally made it to our destination and daddy was there too, so he took our picture! What a fun adventure! (Katelynn is plugging her ears because there was some jackhammering going on across the street.)

Although that was a lot of fun, I will definitely have to plan better for our next trip on the train. We parked a ways away from the station and the dentist's office is a bit of hike away from the station for a 2 year old. One way might be fun, but by the end of the whole round-trip, we were both pooped! I thought I would want the train to be her incentive, but I think we have a new one. They gave her a cookie at the dentist office, and if you ask her about her trip to the dentist the first word that comes out of her mouth is "cookie". (followed by "train") So we may not need the train ride afterall! Of course, it seems a little odd to be getting cookies at the dentist's office! :)

Wipe away the tears and have a good laugh!

There's just something about baby laughter that helps me take a deep breath and love life again! I just got my 2nd video uploaded to YouTube and since I tagged it with "baby " as the key word, it brought up some other similar videos. I think I may have seen this before, but I just love it and I don't know about you, but I really needed a good laugh after watching those videos!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXXm696UbKY&feature=related

And I have a video of Katelynn laughing with our lab Libby. They still do that all the time and Katelynn has learned how to provoke the dog to do it on command!! :) Just click the Libby label on the right column to bring up that post with video.

Two Videos of the Balcom Family

Our doula Sarah made a beautiful movie for us and these are just parts of it. I am so thankful for Sarah's videos because our video camera wasn't working (bad time to figure that out!) and this is such a precious moment for us to remember. She said I could share! Thanks Sarah!

1st Video: "We meet at last!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bIpCvs4GcA
This was my first time getting to meet Kristen (about 3.5 hours after birth). There's not a lot of talking at first. Patti Ramos is the friend/doula/photographer that is snapping the photos - which we are SOOO fortunate to have! And our doula Sarah took the video on her camera since our video camera was out of commission!
Things said:
--"Is this too hard on her" regarding me holding her like that. to which they replied she's doing just fine.
--"You have hair! Oh, sweetie, you have hair! Your sister will be so jealous!"
-- Kristen's little breathing noises sound like purring!
--"Did she cry when she came out?" replied with "I wasn't there, I'm so sorry." Then Patti asks the midwife Dorie the same question who answers "she wasn't really vigorous." And Patti asks "Has she opened her eyes?" And Dorie and Kevin agree she has at least one at a time.
--"You sound like mommy does when she snores" and Kevin adds "and Libby" and I say "libby the dog, and Katelynn your sister, and daddy...we all snore!"


2nd Video: "Our Family of Four"
(FYI - it's a 7 minute video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSv6Qy7pUcA
It was the 2nd time I got to see Kristen, and Katelynn's first. She was about 6-7 hours old at this point and hadn't been moved to the NICU at Tacoma General yet.
You can hear Kristen breathing which sounded a lot like purring! You can hear some of the comments but not all of them. Katelynn was so enamored with her new baby sister! And she did so well for it being almost 11pm (almost 3 hours passed her bedtime!) and she had been camping with Nana and Papa that day! It was a long and eventful day for all of us!

The power of a song

There have been a few songs lately that have taken on new meaning and importance in the last few weeks. I'm adding them to our playlist so you can hear them too as you visit our blog. I am posting the lyrics to so you can read what they're saying. The last one I've put some "editorial comments" about in regards to a quote by the band's leader that helped me look at music in a new way.
(if you want the lyrics to the other songs we have on our playlist so far, you can see them in this post.)

Bring The Rain
Artist(Band):MercyMe

I can count a million times, people asking me how I can praise You with all that I've gone through. The question just amazes me, can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You?

Maybe since my life was changed, long before these rainy days, it's never really ever crossed my mind. To turn my back on you, oh Lord, My only shelter from the storm. But instead I draw closer through these times. So I pray,

Bring me joy, bring me peace, Bring the chance to be free, Bring me anything that brings You glory. And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain but if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain.

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above because you are much greater than my pain you who made a way for me suffering your destiny so tell me whats a little rain?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Casting Crowns
Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by nowt hat You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say "Amen" and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you". And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands. For you are who you are no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried you hold in Your hand. You never left my side. And though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind, You heard my cry You raised me up again. My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on if I can't find You?

As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you". And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills, Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, The Maker of Heaven and Earth.

-----------------------------------------------------

I heard a song a few weeks before Kristen was born and I even printed out the words because they caught me so off guard when I heard them, I wanted to read them and let them soak in. I found a quote by the band in an article and found it true of the struggle I have with wanting to worship and listen to worship music but having a heavy heart....how do I do that!? But God doesn't say come to me all who are light-hearted and at peace with life. No, He said, come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. So I will learn to worship in that place, with my heavy heart, waiting for His rest and peace.

Jesus said, 'True worshipers will worship in spirit and in truth.' When we sit down to write a song, essentially we are dealing with two things: Truth and the struggle to accept that truth. Emotion without truth is just sentimental and truth without emotion becomes cruel. Hopefully in our music, we are talking about the truth of God, but marrying that with the struggle that is within every person to believe. I think it's a struggle that will last for our whole lives." - Tenth Avenue North

Artist: Tenth Avenue North
Song: By Your Side

Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace? Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face, Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough? To where will you go child, Tell me where will you run, To where will you run?

And I'll be by your side, Wherever you fall, In the dead of night, Whenever you call
And please don't fight These hands that are holding you, My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side, They swallowed the grave on that night, When I drank the world's sin So I could carry you in And give you life, I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you, I want you to know That I, I love you, I'll never let you go

My First and Last Morning with Kristen - The detailed version

I wrote this "story" on the night when I posted the photos of Kristen sleeping in my arms just before she slipped away. I had a longer, more detailed story with some other photos that I wanted to share, but felt it was too long to post on the main page. So if you want the rest of the story, click the title above to open it. (warning, have your tissues handy!)


I was trying to get to sleep tonight but couldn't. Today marks one month since Kristen went to Heaven and it's almost as real as the day it happened. The phone calls have slowed down, the continual flow of e-mails and snail mail has significantly decreased, but the tears and the heartache haven't. I didn't post anything to mark one month since her birthday, I guess because it doesn't hurt as much as today does. (although I did post on the 4 week mark, which for the first month counts as a month even though it wasn't the 29th)

I wanted to post a few photos that were taken after she had been taken off her oxygen tubes and all her monitors because I don't think anyone has gotten to see her like this. Once we knew her lungs were no longer working, the nurses removed all the "stuff" so we could hold her more comfortably. Her heart was still beating and she would take a few breaths a minute, but we knew it was time. i love these photos because they're some of the only ones we have of her face with no tubes or wires while she was still alive.

I don't know if the story of her last day has ever been told, but I want to tell it now, since that's what's keeping me awake! (and maybe if I cry hard enough, I'll sleep better!)

Here’s the long version:
So, Sunday night we got back to our room after "tucking Kristen in" and we wanted to write a quick post to let everyone know that we'd write more on Monday. So a little after 12:30am we went to sleep exhausted from a long day. I had just been discharged from St. Joe's that morning and had spent my first visits with Kristen since she was born almost 2.5 days earlier. (I did get to visit the night she was born, but don't remember most of it since I was still pretty heavily medicated!) I was still recovering from the c-section and the emotions of the whole ordeal. So needless to say, Sunday was a FULL day and I/we really needed the rest!

At 3:30 or so I woke up and couldn't get comfortable enough to go back to sleep. (my milk was coming in and I was SO uncomfortable!!) I tossed and turned for an hour or so (which isn't easy after a c-section mind you!), contemplating if I should get up and have my 1st try at pumping, but didn't want to wake Kevin up. I tried expressing, but that didn't work. So I just laid there trying to go back to sleep. I remembered that in the mornings Katelynn would come and crawl in bed with me along with her blanket and stuffed penguin and we'd each get a bit more sleep. Oh how I would have loved her there in that hospital bed with me to keep me company! But even more so how I wished I could have Kristen in bed with me, that was something I had been day dreaming about for months. Spooning up to my little baby and listening to her breathe. I had done that with Katelynn the night she was born and wanted that so badly for me and Kristen. So I decided if she can't get in bed with me, I'll get in bed with her!! The nurses said we could come down anytime and hold her so that was what I was going to do.

I got up & put on my little robe and wrapped up in a big fleece blanket one of the nurses had found for me, slipped on my slippers and headed down the hall. I am sure I looked pretty scary at 5:30 am with only 2-3 hours of sleep, but I didn't care, I wanted to see my baby! Amy, her nurse, said Kristen woke up around 3:30 or so and was fussy....hmm....that was when I woke up! She wanted her Mamma and I like to think she woke me up!! She also told me that at 1 or so that morning she had had a breathing blockage and had stopped breathing. They were able to get it cleared but were almost at the point of coming to get us, since they weren’t sure if she'd recover, but she did. Apparently she had some pretty nasty "boogers" plugging up her airways. Later we found out, that's not good a good sign.

I told Amy of my hope to give her some breast milk at some point and she said I could go pump for her breakfast in an about an hour, but I said I'd rather just snuggle right now. (Later I saw that as a wonderful decision!) The nurses found a big comfy recliner for me and Amy helped me get her situated on my chest so we'd have as much skin-to-skin contact as possible. Her body temp had slowly been getting unstable (another bad sign) and skin-to-skin contact is the best way to help, so I was happy to help!

The room was fairly dark and I laid my head back and just soaked in the moment. I would talk to her and then just listen to her. I chatted with the nurses here and there. We had talked about the possibility of brining our laptop into the NICU so we could blog from there and not have to leave her side. They all thought it would be a great idea. I slowly noticed dawn breaking and the new nurses coming in for their shifts. Sally (our NICU Angel!!) came in a little early to get started and she was assigned to Kristen for the day. (what a way to start your shift!)
(this is where my memory gets a little foggy as to the exact sequence of events, but you'll get the idea)

Shortly after Sally had gotten there, I looked down at Kristen and noticed how still she was. Suddenly she lifted her head up a bit as if to look at me (although she never opened her eyes) and laid her head back down on my chest. It took me a moment, then I looked up at a nurse to ask if she was breathing and that was when I realized the beeping monitor had been hers! (there are so many monitors going off all the time in the NICU, you soon learn to tune them out) I couldn’t see her monitor from where I was and was hoping they could! They calmly rushed over to see what was going on, like a disconnected wire or something like that. Before I knew it they had Kristen up on her little bed and she was surrounded by people trying to get her to breathe. I did what I could to get out of the way (which wasn't much!) and just watched as they tried to clear her airways again. I don't remember all that happened or how long it took, but it seemed like forever. One thing I do remember was the Dr saying to me something along the lines of "this is probably just the beginning of the process." They had been saying that all weekend and I was so sick of it! They told us "the process" of her dying could take minutes, it could take months but it was going to happen. Just 18 hours before they were talking about us taking her home on oxygen if her body allowed it, but that was still just "part of the process" of her dying. So now he tells me it's started, but WHAT HAS STARTED!? I just sat there helplessly not knowing what to do or say. They asked me if I wanted Kevin to come in and I didn't know. I didn't want to wake him up if this was just an episode that we'd become accustomed to. But the Dr told the nurse that she should go ahead and get Kevin.

This is the one moment I think I will remember for my lifetime as a mother.... just the evening before I had told Kevin that I was worried I wasn't bonding with Kristen. I had had a really hard time with that with Katelynn, and this was magnified. I hadn't been aware of her birth, I hadn't seen her for the first 2.5 days of her life, and I didn't know how to bond with her so that she'd know her mommy loved her. I knew she was my baby, but I didn't feel connected to her. She was just this sweet, helpless baby lying down the hall with my last name. He assured me it would get better and to give myself some credit for the situation I was in. So the moment when things got crazy in the NICU that morning, I remember feeling this ache in my heart, a pulling at my soul, and at that moment I knew I had bonded with her. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have felt that ripping and breaking of my heart. I don't think it would have hurt that bad....or that it would still hurt this bad if there wasn't that bond.

They got her airways cleared and handed her back to me. She was taking really slow breaths, like 10 a minute, barely at all. The Dr came back to explain to us that her lungs and other organs were shutting down and there wasn't much we could do beyond what we were comfortable putting her through. (we had already decided not to put her on a ventilator, knowing that her little body could only withstand so much life and we would be prolonging the inevitable.) They offered to take off her tubes and monitors as they wouldn't be needed now and we agreed. The oxygen they were giving her was just helping her get 100% oxygen each time she took a breath. Now that she wasn't breathing productively, there wasn't any need for the tubes. That was the first time we got to see her without all her "stuff". For the first time I got to hold her close and see her beautiful face.

Kevin and I wept over her and prayed over her. We told her how much we loved her and that we were so proud of how hard she fought. And then we told her it was okay for her to go to Jesus, that He'd take good care of her. That we'd miss her and that we loved her and always would. We didn't want her to have to suffer here on earth any more and felt we needed to give her "permission" to let go. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. (It’s almost as hard to write about! I can hardly see the screen!)

We were told we could go back to our room with her and enjoy her last moments, as her heart was still beating, and we were told it might for a while still. So we went back and joined our family and friends who were slowly gathering. Kristen’s heart kept beating for almost an hour after we left the NICU and we cherished every moment we had.

I’ll write more about our day with Kristen later. But I wanted to close with this one thought. My sister-in-law shared with me a while ago about how my brother had taken some pain medication one night to help with a shoulder injury. She said he didn’t know he had sleep apnea at the time or what that strong of pain medication could do to him. Well, apparently, he got so comfortable and relaxed that he stopped breathing! She had to wake him up to breathe and watch him the rest of the night to make sure he kept breathing in his sleep. That story brought me comfort in thinking that Kristen just needed her mom to hold her for a little bit and to get comfortable before she felt she could eternally relax. She had such a hard weekend that she needed her Mommy. It’s a sweet picture that I will treasure always, that she fell asleep in my arms and woke up in Jesus’. Although it makes me weep, it makes me so thankful for that morning. If I had gone to go try and pump, I wouldn’t have had as much time with her. If I had thought, oh, just go back to sleep, you’ll see her in the morning, I wouldn’t have had any time at all. Not to mention I would have been woken up with bad news. Sure I wish I had more time with her, any parent does. Even those that loose their adult children wish they had more time. But I will take those precious 2 hours with her resting on my chest as a gift and I will remember them always.

I've debated whether or not to share these photos or not, but after writing the details of our morning together I think I will! I wanted to share them to show the "emotional whiplash" we experienced that weekend, and especially that night. The first photo was taken at 11pm, just before we put her down to sleep and went to bed ourselves. It is one of my favorites, because she looked like a little pea in a pod! (the nurses got a kick out of it too!) The next photos were taken only 8 hours later, shortly after 7am and she had been taken off her monitors and oxygen and we started saying our goodbyes.

I think I can, I think I can....but do I really want to?

Today was supposed to be my "working day." Katelynn is at her grandparents' for the weekend, Kevin is working OT, which means I get the house to myself. I was going to make business calls for my Creative Memories Crop on the 18th. I thought that pushing myself to "get back to work" would help and I'd have a new energy to work my business....not today! I really want to do a good job with whatever activity I attempt, but find it so hard to focus these days. I know I CAN make my business whatever I want it to be, and I know I don't want to NOT do it....but I wonder how to make myself work when I don't WANT to. I know Kevin goes to work even when he doesn't want to, but we function differently!

So I guess I'll give out a shameless invitation to my big crop on the 18th since I just can't seem to get on the phone to make individual phone calls! All the details are here and I'd love it if anyone reading this wants to come or passes on the info to a friend that might want to. It's on Saturday the 18th from 9am - 5pm in Bonney Lake. I am going to be working on digital scrapbooking stuff, so don't think you have to be a paper scrapbooker to come. I've even had people come that worked on making cards the whole time!

Okay, I've procrastinated enough....I'll try to do something before Kevin gets home! :)

Grieving Parents' Wish List

I found some amazing websites that have really encouraging messages for grieving parents and those around them. I'll share them along the way. One in particular was made by a mom that lost three babies but is able to write from a healthy place of healing - a place I hope to one day be. (the healthy place, not the part about losing three babies!) She has great notes, suggestions, and encouragement for friends/families of bereaved parents. The site is: http://members.aol.com/panther50/MyAngels/griefinf.htm
Here's something I found I wanted to share and I added a few of my own items to this list. It's a little long, but says it so well. A number of our friends have mentioned to me that they've appreciated what I share because it helps them know how to interact with me/us.
Well, here's a list! :)

GRIEVING PARENT'S WISH LIST

I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had my child back in my arms.

I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. I loved her name and look for every opportunity to speak it. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that my child was important to you also.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew it isn't because you upset me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever and will need you even more in the months to come, not less. I may not be able to reach out to you, so please reach out to me.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child. That is my favorite topic of the day.

(to read the rest, please click on the post title above)

I wish to know that you think and pray for me often. I also want to know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish that you would let me know those things through a phone call, a note, or a really big hug.

I wish you knew how I appreciate it when you say “call me if you need anything” but wish you know it’s almost impossible for me to do.

I wish you knew how much it means to me when you call or write, but hope you also will understand how hard it can be for me to call or write back. I just don't know how to connect, but appreciate your efforts to do so with me as I so want to connect with someone.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish that you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

I am working on my recovery but I wish that you could understand that I will never fully recover. This tragedy has changed who I am. I will always miss my child and will always grieve that my child is gone.

I wish that you would not expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

I don't want to have a "pity party" but I do wish that you would let me grieve in whatever way I need to today. I must hurt before I heal.

I wish that you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am miserable. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, but I appreciate when you invite me to be real. Please be patient with me as I learn to do that.

When I say "I'm doing ok," I wish that you could understand that usually I don't "feel" at all, let alone, "feel ok" and that I struggle daily in different ways.

I wish you knew all of the grief reactions that I'm having are normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn, or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I am struggling to handle one hour at a time.

Please excuse me if I seem rude, that's certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone, making sure I'm not alone too long.

I wish that you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died too. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void, and my pain. But I pray that you never have to truly understand.

One month down....a lifetime to go

I was trying to get to sleep tonight but couldn't. Today marks one month since Kristen went to Heaven and it's almost as real as the day it happened. The phone calls have slowed down, the continual flow of e-mails and snail mail has significantly decreased, but the tears and the heartache haven't.
I didn't post anything to mark one month since her birthday, I guess because it doesn't hurt as much as today does. (although I did post on the 4 week mark, which for the first month counts as a month even though it wasn't the 29th)
I wanted to post a few photos that were taken after she had been taken off her oxygen tubes and all her monitors because I don't think anyone has gotten to see her like this. Once we knew her lungs were no longer working, the nurses removed all the "stuff" so we could hold her more comfortably. Her heart was still beating and she would take a few breaths a minute, but we knew it was time.

I don't know if the story of her last day has ever been told, but I want to tell it now, since that's what's keeping me awake! (and maybe if I cry hard enough, I'll sleep better!)

....almost 2 hours later....
I did write the story, but it's way too long. So I tried to figure out how to just post part of it and got really confused. So I'll post the long version later, but for now, here's the short version, although it doesn't really do my sleepless night justice. I've been sobbing and weeping trying to get it written, and now that I have I don't want to post it due to it's length. I guess it will just have to wait until I get the blog thing figured out. Hopefully writing it out will help me sleep though!

(from Kristen's site "My Story")
At 3:30 a.m. on Monday September 1st, we believe Kristen woke her Mommy up who was down the hall but couldn’t sleep at the same time so at 5:30 a.m. she came down to rock her for a bit. She had the opportunity to rock her for almost 2 hours before Kristen stopped breathing due to a blockage in her airways. The blockage was removed but it was clear that this was just the beginning of the end. Kristen’s Daddy was called in so they could spend the final moments of her life as a family. The nurses removed the monitors and breathing equipment so that she could be the most comfortable in her parents’ arms. We were allowed to take Kristen back to our room to cherish the final moments of her life. Our close friends and family joined us as we admired our little angel and said our good-byes. Her heart continued to beat for almost an hour as she peacefully slept in our arms. When she was last checked at 8:45am, there was no noticeable heartbeat and we knew she was in Heaven.