What an odd day! I'm not quite sure how to articulate the sentiment I want to express because it is so wrapped up in such a weird day....I'll try anyway! (bear with me!)
This evening after the Prayer and Worship night at our church - which I didn't really WANT to go to, but felt I NEEDED to go to so I did, I was visiting with two friends and a comment was made that made the rest of my day click! I was sharing with them how I find comfort in being around groups of people that know my story and at least recognize me as "that lady that lost the baby" because I don't have to wonder if they know. I feel any of my behavior, demeanor or comments would be "understood" because they'd know where it's coming from. But today Katelynn and I went to our first day of parent co-op preschool. Out of the 9 or so mom/kid pairs there, I only knew one from MOPS. To the rest of them I was just a stranger like they were to me. I left there feeling rather lonely because I had just spent 2 hours with these ladies and no one knew "my story". No one knew why I wasn't lifting Katelynn up during one of the songs, (I can't lift anything more than 20 lbs for another 2 weeks), and I felt like I had a "secret identity" that no one knew. For the last three, almost four weeks, this whole ordeal has been in just about all of my conversations in some context, and I've come to find comfort in just talking to people, knowing that Kristen will eventually come up in conversation. But today it didn't. Granted, today was the first day with going over rules, policies, procedures, etc. Yet, it kind of took me by surprise. But then again I didn't get to know any of their stories either....
So back to my conversation with my friends after the service...
(click the post title to read the rest)
After sharing about my experience at the preschool compared to my experience at MOPS just two days ago, Stephanie made a comment about 'can't you see me wearing my heart on my sleeve? I'm hurting and you have no idea!' That's when it clicked for me - our culture doesn't recognize mourners how we used to. We don't require those in mourning to wear black for a certain period of time. I looked it up online and in the 1800's it was expected for a mourner to wear black for upwards of 2 years! (including the black veil for women!) They weren't even supposed to attend social events or enjoy entertainment because it wasn't thought to be "compatible with genuine sorrow." Although I don't want to wear black for 2 years (I hesitated even wearing black to Kristen's service!) and social events help remind me that I'm still alive and give me a chance to see people, I like the idea behind WHY they did it:
"A mourning dress is a protection against thoughtless or cruel inquiries....With such, garments of mourning are "an outward sign of an inward sorrow."
So, I am glad I don't live in the 1800's and have to wear black for 2 years, but there's something to be said about having and "outward sign of an inward sorrow". In the Bible there's lots of ways that people showed sorrow that I wouldn't opt for myself :) but it did give those around them an idea of what they were going through. I think I'd look a little funny wearing a black bonnet or sac cloth and ashes, but maybe a little sign that says "handle with care" or maybe even "caution! mourning mother and postpartum woman-will talk your ear off if given the chance!" Hmm...maybe I should make a button...? :)
Okay, I may not make myself a button. I just am actually more comfortable once people know of our "inward sorrow." Even if/when I'm not outwardly expressing it, I'm still feeling it. It's still part of who I am. I don't want it to be the only thing I ever talk about, but right now it's just so real, it comes up! And I like to know the people around me won't be surprised when it does.
I just don't want to be that crazy lady at the grocery store telling the cashier my life story just to have someone to relate to or talking to street signs or trees because all the people have heard the story before! So if you see me going in that direction, please stop me! I don't want to embarrass my family!
:) ...I gotta go to bed! It's been a long day! And I told Kevin it was going to be a quick post....yeah, that was about an hour and a half ago! oops!
Ok, yes, I just commented on your last post, and here I am still cruising the web when I should be sleeping. But my bloglines told me you posted again, and after reading this I just wanted to chime in. You nailed it on the head in a way that I haven't heard articulated before. When you talked about mourning dress as a protection, I thought - BINGO! I could totally relate to that sentiment.
ReplyDeleteWe lost our first pregnancy to miscarriage very early - long before I was "showing" in a way that would have made it obvious to others that I was pregnant. We had told people about the pregnancy right away, so pretty much everyone knew that we were expecting. When the miscarraige happened, the word was quickly spread by our friends (at our request). It was actually a GREAT relief and support to me that so many people knew what was going on. People approached me to offer support or pray for me, and I didn't have to explain the whole situation over and over. One of the hardest things was to actually say out loud "I had a miscarriage" or "We lost the baby". Having people know what was going on was a great shield to me during those first few raw weeks. When I was around people who didn't have a clue about it all, I just felt different. More vulnerable, maybe? It was like I wanted to talk about it, but I wanted to do it as I was ready, in the ways I was ready for. I didn't want to be forced into explanation and an awkward encounter simply because someone asked if we knew the gender yet, or when our due date was, at a time that I wasn't really up to speaking those painful words.