Thoughts from this side of the wave

I've been wanting to post to our blog for a while now and it hasn't been for lack of content I can assure you of that! It's more a lack of words. Emotions don't seem to translate too well in raw form. I actually have a running list of things that I want to post to the blog when I either have time or words. I found it kinda funny that I was able to post so much right after Kristen's death, but now three weeks later, I'm at a loss for what/how to write. (Granted, I had lots of help with a 2.5 year old and help around the house) I guess life just feels harder to articulate now that the excitement has calmed down and it's just me and my thoughts.
But I am constantly reminded that this process, or "grief work" as some call it, will come in waves and we just have to ride the waves for what they're worth. Some waves will be predictable, others will be rogue waves that will knock us over board. And each of those waves has something for me that I can learn and grow from. This last week hasn't had any major waves, but the water has been very turbulent. It was my first week with Kevin going back to work and Katelynn and I on our own. We stayed pretty busy, but with being busy I tend to ignore the waves....
(click the post title to read the rest)


Tuesday, I visited with a friend and her 2.5 year old daughter and we had some good conversation while the kids played. Wednesday we had a play date with another 2.5 year old and Katelynn got to jump on a trampoline for the first time! (Thanks Sarah!) Then Thursday I had a check up with my midwife where I got to ask some questions that had been weighing me down. (I'll blog about that visit soon) Later that evening I spoke with our "Grief Companion" from the hospital about 'how I am doing' - which I'll blog about later, too. Then today a friend came over with lunch, a smile and her 6 week old baby boy that I still hadn't met yet. I got to hold him while he slept on my chest for more than an hour and a half! We had joked at Kristen's service that he was going to be my therapy baby! There were a couple of moments that I had flashbacks but I think I did pretty good. No uncontrollable sobbing or freaking out! :) Then as the evening was coming to an end, the waves that had been quietly lapping all week began crashing in and I lost it. We knew this week was going to be a tough one, but I think I was hoping to fill it up with "stuff" so I wouldn't feel it....yeah, note to self, that doesn't work! For those that know me, allowing grief to be unpredictable and just letting it run its course and not having "control" over it is not my way of dealing with things! :) I got a note from a friend that's been down this road before and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing part of it but it was so timely. I was sitting down to try to put some thoughts together and she spoke directly to where I was/am:

I would just encourage you to continue to ride those waves of emotion and let them run their course. The Lord has always been faithful with a time of peace and comfort after each wave…even the ones that felt like they would take me under…He would always speak a word to my heart and there would be a calm…it’s only when I would try to “manage” the pain or fight against it that I would feel really out of control. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense or not. But, I guess the simplest way to say it is what we said to you in the hospital, that one of the nurses that had been through the same thing had said to us, “It sucks…just let it suck”. There is hope and there is comfort and the constant pain won’t always be this intense, but you just have to let the emotion work its way through and give yourself permission to just be where ever you are.

I think "out of control" would be a perfect definition to my week emotionally, and the more I try to "manage" it, the worse it gets! So if someone asks me how I am and I answer "out of control" that's a good thing!! :)

It's funny, looking back, all the times that I've had any clarity to write at all has been after a wave, in the slightest moment of comfort or peace that came after the wave swept over me.....then comes the next wave and I don't write for another week! :) I'll try to do better and write before, during and after the waves!

P.S. Kristen would have been three weeks old today!