What were you doing three months ago today?

Hard to believe our answer to this question is having a baby! The day started out with joy and anticipation, not all went as hoped because by the end of the day there was fear and confusion. We did get to birth our baby (although not as planned) and welcome her into our world which our society marks as ones birthday, even if she was only here for three days. So, happy three month birthday Baby Kristen!

And thank you to my friend Cara for calling today to remember her and wish her a happy three month birthday! It was such an appreciated and joyful way for her to let us know she hasn't forgotten what we live everyday. It's nice to have someone mention Kristen's name fondly, it brings a smile to my face, which I've been told I need to do more often! I found out over Thanksgiving that people haven't wanted to mention her for fear of "offending" me/us. If they only knew how much I WISH I could talk about her, how much I long for someone to mention her name or for me not to cause an awkward silence when I do. But as I've learned from my other T18 Mommies, that's our new normal and we just learn to celebrate our own little milestones in our own little way.

For me I want to remember her birth, not her death. So I want to remind people of her birth "day" just like mommies of live babies do, but it seems awkward and it has such "bad timing". In November, it's the day before my father-in-law's birthday. In December, it will be four days after Christmas and the day before my mom's birthday. In January, it will be three days before Katelynn's 3rd birthday. There isn't a February 29th this year, so we skip that month altogether! Then March will be 6 months!!

So, what was I doing three months ago tonight? I was becoming the mommy of a beautiful little girl named Kristen whom I will always celebrate!!

Spending Black Friday DEBT FREE!!

According to Dave Ramsey and his Financial Peace University you're considered debt free once you're consumer debt is paid off (which includes lines of credit). Your primary home mortgage is considered a "good debt" because it is increasing in value with every payment. So besides our house, we are now officially debt free! We just paid the last $75.04 of our Line of Credit that paid for our roof two years ago. What a way to spend Black Friday - getting OUT of debt while in the comforts of our warm home instead of waiting in line out in the cold to get IN to debt! Thanks Dave Ramsey!!

My Burqa Baby!

Katelynn loves to help when I am folding clothes, however her form of "help" is usually in the way of comic relief! She will usually find something to put over her head and I just have to take a photo! Here's two from today and one from a little while ago. Just a little something to make me laugh!
(the two from today are with a swimsuit on her head and the last one is one of my shirts.)

Busy weekend ahead!

Although I am looking forward to it, I've got one crazy weekend ahead of me!
I've got my Open House on Saturday (details below in case you're interested!) and a Holiday Bazaar in Puyallup at the Gem Heights Club House on Sunday from 11-4 pm to benefit a non-profit moms club. If you're looking for something to do this weekend, come visit me! I'd love to help you celebrate your memories through photos! :)

Remembering Kristen at Christmas

I've been thinking a lot lately how to best honor/remember Kristen this Christmas without making it be all about her. I want to celebrate the life she had on earth, the life she is enjoying in heaven and not so much about the earthly death she experienced. She's part of our family. She always will be, but how do we incorporate that? I don't want her to be forgotten or overlooked because she's not here in person. This would have been her first Christmas and there are lots of things that we do for a baby's first Christmas - do we have to miss out on that opportunity? That's one thing that I struggle with is having experiences stolen from us. The dates still come and go on the calendar, but not with the anticipation and excitement they once did. We're still excited for Katelynn to experience the joys and wonder of Christmas, but there's just something about celebrating the birth of a baby while mourning the loss of one. Yeah, I know, if it wasn't for Jesus we wouldn't have the hope we do that Kristen is in a better place and we'll see her one day.....but I still want her here with me and that will never change. The desires are still there to to get a cute little tiny Christmas dress for her, have her photo with Santa, and feel the joy Mary did as she held her newborn.

I've been wanting to some how incorporate her into our family traditions and maybe somehow into a family photo via a stuffed animal or something. Some people may feel uncomfortable with us wanting to incorporate Kristen into our family traditions, but until they loose a baby and find themselves making similar decisions, they can keep their opinions to themselves! :) I won't have her ignored just because she's not here.

So I/We've decided to do a few things.
1. We're still going to get her a little stocking. I've read suggestions to write her little notes or tell little stories, so it becomes kind of an on-going time capsule, chronicling our journey. But then that way she'd always be part of our family "line-up" at Christmas.

2. She'll still have an ornament on the tree. That's been a tradition my parents have always done. I want to get her one too. Below is a link to the ornaments that the Trisomy 18 Foundation sells, raising money for the foundation that supports the families of babies diagnosed, living with or lost from Trisomy 18.


3. Buying gifts: it seems kind of weird to be buying gifts for a baby that would never play with them, but it also seems weird NOT to be buying gifts for a baby this year. So I decided I would get a giving tree or Toys for Tots baby and buy a few gifts for them in honor of Kristen. I could do that every year in her honor (for a child that would be the same age as she would have been that year) and our kids could do it too as they got old enough to understand. I may even have Katelynn help pick out the gift this year or have her give one herself.

4. Christmas card/letter: I've been meaning to do one for years and never did....not sure if I will this year or not. I would want to send a photo, but how do we best represent our family of four with just three people? And it feels kinda weird writing a letter that usually tells of the previous year "Kevin loves his new job, Katelynn started preschool, we had a baby and we lost a baby, and Merry Christmas!" But I also want people to know about our family's year as there was more that happened than just Kristen. But I suppose all the people I would be sending it to already know!

I'm sure I'll add to and/or modify this "Christmas List" as time goes by. But it gives me/us somewhere to start. I don't know theologically if Kristen can see/experience us here on earth, but I can rest in the fact that the Christmas celebration she gets to witness will be out of this world!

Our Hope Endures

I can't seem to get the song added to our playlist so you can listen to it from our blog, but I wanted to post the words that I hear at least once a day that are so encouraging. (the song is really powerful too, so I hope to get it on here soon!) Having faith doesn't mean the rain stops. It doesn't mean life won't happen. It does mean that when life DOES happen, you're not alone and you will get through it. I especially identify with the line that says "our Hope endures the worst of conditions" it doesn't say it keeps us from them. But it endures in spite of them.


Our Hope Endures by Natalie Grant

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is racked
With illness, oh how can she laugh?
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Playing Catch Up

Wow, I didn't realize how far behind I was with our blog until I downloaded photos today and saw how many haven't been shared! So I will do what I can to play catch up and post them in a way that they will be posted chronologically (i.e., after this post). Enjoy!

Katelynn's First "Official" Haircut

I'd been saying for months that Katelynn needed a haircut. Daddy's been doing her bangs so she could at least see!! But with her major cowlick on the back crown of her head, she was looking pretty shaggy! :) I could get ponytails in but they'd only last a few minutes before she'd take them out.
So I broke down and took her to an official kids cut "salon" and reluctantly paid salon prices!! But I figured this would be her first time (and possibly her last!) so I wanted to do anything I could to make it favorable. Katelynn was excited about getting to sit in a fun airplane, but then realized there was an ulterior motive and didn't like it too much after that. The lady kept putting a new toy in front of her every few seconds and I could tell she was getting overstimulated. The cut took less than 15 minutes and looked really cute! She softened the edges and got the back to match the curly sides that are taking longer to grow. Hopefully the cut will encourage her hair to grow like everyone says it will! Here are some cute photos!

Before:

After:

We came home and Katelynn wanted me to take some photos of her so we took some! Ain't she cute!

People ask me "how do you do it?" referring to surviving the loss of a baby. I don't know for sure, but I do know that this little two and a half year old not only keeps me on my toes, but keeps me above water at the same time. I am thankful that she reminds me that life really does go on. Sometimes I don't feel like it will. But, then it does. She may be a handful, but she's a heartful of joy at the same time.

One busy week/weekend!!

My friend Charissa came to the NW from Indiana for work and was able to work out coming to see us in the middle of her trip. We hadn't seen each other since 2005 when Kevin and I went to visit her and her family in Indianapolis (while I was 5 months pregnant with Katelynn, so it'd been a while!). Kevin and I worked out to stay the night in Portland Friday by ourselves and then picked her up on Saturday afternoon after spending the day at the Clackamas Mall and then drove back to Tacoma. We had more on our to-do list than we had energy so we had to pair down our agenda a bit!
**SIDE NOTE** While we were checking out of our hotel, a lady in the elevator asked what my black pin was and I was so caught off guard that all I could come up with was "um, it's because we lost a baby." She looked shocked and said "Oh, I'm sorry" and looked away almost sorry that she asked. We got off the elevator and walked away and I reran the conversation in my head for the next few hours. I should have thanked her for asking or something more than what I did say. Later I mentioned to a sales lady at the mall that I was shopping for new clothes since I recently had a baby and she asked me how old my little one was. I told her that she had passed away. She apologized but I thanked her for asking anyway. That felt better, but I definitely need to work on my response if I am going to wear my pin!
We spent Sunday in Ellensburg visiting with my parents. We like to meet them there for lunch and visit for a bit instead of one of us having to do the whole drive to/from Spokane in a weekend. We came home that night and went to the Purchase With A Purpose at the mall so Katelynn could get her photo with Santa - which was a whole adventure in and of itself! (I'll post the photo when I get it scanned, it's funny now that's it's over, but it was sure an ordeal that night!) Then Monday we needed a break so we skipped MOPS and ran some errands.
Then Tuesday we went up to Seattle and Pike Place Market where we spent most of the day. She got to see the flying fish, the beautiful produce, the interesting and unique vendors and of course paid a visit to the original first Starbucks store! We spent the rest of the night shopping for her family and for me - trying to replace my prego wardrobe with a more updated and modern looking one that will fit my post-baby body! Wednesday we were too tired from the day before (and still had quite a bit on our to-do list) so we skipped preschool and stayed home. I shared Creative Memories with her and she shared Mary Kay with me as we colored/high-lighted my hair. (to go with my new updated wardrobe! actually I had been wanting to do it for some time) That night we had our friend Kelly come over for dinner and to visit. Then Thursday morning Katelynn and I took Charissa to the Amtrak station for her ride down to Salem where she would be meeting up with her co-workers again. We then went to get Katelynn's hair cut "officially" for the first time. That will be a post all it's own!
Needless to say it was quite a full 6 days for us! It was a nice to have a few days where I could "act normal" and not feel like a grieving mother/wife. However, that took it's toll. I realized the night before she left and more so after she was gone that "acting normal" felt like a disservice to her as my friend as well as to Kristen. I wanted to make sure my friend and I had a good time and I unknowingly decided that wouldn't include me as Kristen's mom. I wanted so much in my pretending to "feel" normal or what I thought was normal, that I wasn't allowing myself to be me, the good and not-so-good. But just like that day at MOPS that I blogged about, the only person I was pretending for (and probably the only one I was fooling) was me! So although I regret not sharing that with my friend while she was here, I am so thankful for the time I did have, the fun we did have, and the realization of what "being me" means.

50 Days until Christmas

Hard to believe it's been 66 days since Kristen was with us and only 50 until Christmas! Some days I want a PAUSE button, other days I'd be fine skipping head!
I wanted to quickly post a notice about an event this coming Sunday for those that don't know.

This Sunday (11/09) is the Purchase With A Purpose night at the South Hill Mall in Puyallup. It's an exclusive night of VIP shopping just for ticket holders - which my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group is selling. The tickets are only $5 and we keep all of the funds we raise. They have door prize drawings all night long, free photos with Santa (and not just Polaroids!), special discounts in the mall stores as well as live entertainment. You can see more details at the Mall's website. You can get tickets at the door, but when you get your tickets through me, it helps support our MOPS group. If you have any questions or would like tickets please give me a call or e-mail me. Thanks!!
Blessings,
Tara
P.S. For those with kids, we had families come last year, get their photos taken with Santa and then one parent took them home while the other parent stayed to do some shopping with friends or by themselves!

Kristen's Bridge

Our friends, Rod and Sandy, spent a good portion of the summer working on a water feature in their yard. No little water feature, mind you! A very impressive one complete with a bridge and everything! While we were at the hospital surrounded by friends and family on Kristen's last day, we were sharing how we were told to cross certain bridges as we get there, and not worry about them until we get there. There was a lot of uncertainty in our lives at that moment (as there still is 2 months later!) so we kept saying "we'll cross that bridge when we get there." What will we tell Katelynn? we'll cross that bridge when we get there. what will we do with Kristen's body? we'll cross that bridge when we get there. How do we tell people about Kristen since they're expecting "exciting news"? we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Unbeknown to us, during that conversation Rod's son Shaun mentioned to his dad the idea of dedicating their new bridge to Kristen. So when it was ready they invited us over for dinner along with another family that had been helping us through some of the tough stuff. I thought it was just for dinner, but as we were gathering in the kitchen, Rod asked if we had all walked across the bridge now that it was done. We said yes, but he suggested we all go out again and look at it one more time. I thought it was a little odd, but followed the crowd. Soon you could sense a tad bit of awkwardness as everyone was trying to fit on the bridge - not just walking across, they all knew why they were there, we didn't.
That was when Rod began sharing the story of how the idea to dedicate the bridge to Kristen came up. He then unwrapped a tall post that had been covered with plastic for the last week or two. It unveiled a beautiful plaque with a dedication to Kristen and the quote that has been used numerous times to celebrate her life. It was beautiful and completely unexpected! (just the night before I had joked at our bible study when someone asked why the post was covered, I said it was for the toll booth that was yet to be installed....little did I know!) Rod told us they wanted to offer a place for us to remember our daughter any time we wanted to.
I didn't realize what that would mean to me personally until we started our fall bible study at their house. I walk by the bridge every Monday night and every time I do I find myself saying in my heart "Hi sweetie!". Because we had Kristen cremated, we don't have a physical place to go to remember her like some do at a cemetery. But I do have a place that I can go when I need to "have a moment", and I can cross that bridge anytime I want.
Thank you Rod and Sandy.

What a fun day!

Yesterday Katelynn had a lot of fun! She had a friend come over and play for a bit while her mom was with her brothers. Miriam is the younger sister of two older brothers so playdates in their house don't usually have much to do with girls her age. So the last few weeks we have been getting our girls together to play and they love it! Katelynn even started calling Miriam "Sister" a few times during the day, it was really cute! What really got me was that they each would talk in their toddler-speak with one or two discernable words, but they're totally understand each other! This is a photo of them on the couch reading a book. Katelynn wanted to read it to Miriam and Miriam wanted to sit close and look at the pictures. Every time she'd try to get closer, Katelynn would inch away. It was quite funny to watch!

Then of course it was Halloween! Our MOPS group does a costume borrow/swap each year where you can lend your outgrown costumes to other moms. I love it! This year Katelynn got to be Snow White and it fit her so well! Here's the photo we took at home and then one with Nana and Papa at their church's "Harvest Hatchback." They line up cars in their parking lot and the owners decorate the backends of their vehicles so the kids can do their trick-or-treating in the parking lot! She did it last year and did really well. This year was great too!