Zoolights

Here's some photos from our trip to ZooLights at Point Defiance Zoo. Amazingly enough, I'd never been to it! I worked at the zoo in 1999 and have been doing work & volunteering for them off and on since then but had never made it to ZooLights. I figured since we had a membership this year we might as well go! So with my mom in town it was perfect timing. The rain stayed away just long enough for us to see everything and it wasn't too cold! It was pretty amazing to see so many lights and Katelynn thought they were "just beautiful!"

A special Christmas gift

It's hard not to feel alone in your grief when you've lost a baby. I've chatted with a number of other moms that agree. It seems you hit the 4-6 month mark and people think that your life looks normal and you should be over it. Or you have another child and the world assumes that new child somehow fills the hole in your heart although nothing could be farther from the truth. (no, we're not pregnant!) The moms who have lost a baby and then had another child said their grief is still present, if not more so. Although filled with joy for the new life you now hold, you are ever so much more reminded of the life you are no longer holding.

All that to say I have been encouraged by the number of people that have expressed their sentiments to me/us over the last month or so. It seems the days I feel the loneliest are the days when I get a letter, card, e-mail or special little something in the mail letting me know they're still thinking of me and remembering Kristen every day. I got one such e-mail from a friend on Christmas and I asked her if I could share. This is part of it:

Also, I wanted to share with you part of my Christmas gift from Elizabeth. She wasn't sure what to get me this year, so wrote a letter instead. The following is part of what she wrote:

"I wanted my gift to be meaningful. I wanted it to show you how deeply I love, care for, and respect you. I remembered the night we were walking with Daniel and someone asked the question, 'if you could meet anyone, past or present, who would it be?' you said Kristen. I wish that was a gift I could give you. I've thought about the deep hurt, questions, and anger that resulted from the loss of precious baby Kristen. I also thought about the mysterious ways God chooses to speak to and use us. The Balcoms will be different because of one little life. You will be different because of one little life. . . . Finally, I have donated $50 to the Trisomy 18 foundation in Kristen Moriah Balcom's name. I cannot give you the gift of time with
her, but perhaps this money can be used to ensure that one day, others will not have to experience the same hurt."

I was in tears by the end of the letter. Know that baby Kristen is thought of often by me, my family, and my friends. I love you! Merry Christmas!!

My little missionary

I've been meaning to post this for a while and keep forgetting!
The preschool Katelynn and I go to is held at a church but is provided through Pierce College, so definitely not "faith based." Our last class of the semester both our teachers were gone so we had subs. The child teacher I think was a former preschool mom and our parent teacher was the director of the Pierce College preschool program. At the end of class we always have music time with the teacher having a list of songs planned out. Well, this teacher didn't have a list and just kind of did the songs she remembered, some we'd never heard. She then started asking for suggestions from the kids. She asked for one more song and Katelynn jumped up and said "Jesus Loves Me!!" The teacher asked a little unsure, "oh, you sing that here? Okay, let's sing it!" and she started leading the group in singing Jesus Loves Me. Katelynn loved it and was dancing and clapping the whole time. A few of the moms looked a little unsure but my favorite look was from the parent teacher. She wasn't singing along like she did with the other songs, she wasn't smiling, and she wasn't enjoying herself nearly as much as Katelynn was! I'm not sure if it was because of her position and having to maintain a separation of church and state, or because of her personal beliefs, but all I could think of was "out of the mouth of babes! You asked for suggestions and you got them!" Can I get a witness!? :)

Yep, it's winter-time

Other than Christmas, what two things do most people relate to "winter"? Snow and colds. We've got 'em both!!
I think I've been sick since we started really getting snow so I haven't been too aware of how much we had. My crazy fever finally broke (100-102.6 for almost 4 days!) and I finally got some restful sleep this afternoon. When I woke up Kevin pointed out the snowman across the street. It's huge!! What I thought was so funny was another blogger mom had posted photos of the snowman she made with her 2 year old during the first snowfall - about 18 inches tall. Then there's this huge snow monster across the street! Katelynn said she wanted to go make a snowman but she woke up with a temperature so I told her she could when "her numbers" were better. That's what we call it when we take her temp, we "take her numbers." But Libby had no reason to not play in the snow. She takes every chance to go play! Kevin was throwing snow balls for her and she'd dig for them then eat them. I had to take a photo of her. At least one member of our family is getting to enjoy the snow!

Katelynn the "Baker"

So while mommy was trying to recover from the "bug" going around, I decided to make some cookies with Katelynn.


It began with a simple question. "Katelynn, do you want to make cookies with daddy?"The response.............

"We're going to make cookies" according to Katelynn. Priceless..............

So we begin. Of course you have to know, that we have discovered the wonderful world of Krusteez cookie mix in a box. These cookies aren't made from scratch. Some cookie mix and a little bit of water, and wallah, cookie dough, just add your favorite topping. Ours became peanut butter cookies because Katelynn liked the picture on the box. She grabbed one of the chairs from the table and pulled it over to where the stove and sink area are in the kitchen. I know her intentions were good, to help daddy make cookies. It changed quickly from helping me, to oh look at stuff in the sink, to "daddy can I turn the water on?" My response......."Ok but dont turn the water on too high, just have it trickle out of the fawcett." Agian, that lasted for only a few minutes. Next it turned into Katelynn wondering how much water the counter top will hold before it drips over the edge.........Is the image good enough in your head yet?

Yes, I finished making the cookies AND I got the privilege of cleaning up a nice big puddle of water. I love you Katelynn.........Maybe I should have named this post Katelynn the "Plumber."

Kristen's Ornament

Well, we braved the crowds and ice and actually went to the mall this evening. I had some shopping to do for our church to make up for some of the giving tree ornaments that didn't come back. On our way to Target we passed by Hallmark and decided to give it a try to find an ornament for Kristen. We looked for about 45 seconds in the baby/kid section then saw this one just to the left and knew it was perfect! We both said "That was easy!" We then looked for one for Katelynn, but that wasn't as easy. We decided to try for that one later. :)

A day at the office

Katelynn and I spent what felt like the whole day at the Social Security office and on the phone with the IRS. Okay, so it was really only an hour and a half at the office and an hour on the phone, but it felt like the whole day! I even spent almost 45 minutes on the phone on hold with Social Security, hoping that while I waited in person, I could get my questions answered on the phone. It did happen that way, however their answers were contradicting. (mind you, I had already spent almost an hour last week on the phone with both the SSA and IRS trying to get this figured out...)

You see, to claim Kristen on our taxes for 2008 she has to have a SS Number. When we left the hospital where she was born we didn't fill out the paperwork to request a birth certificate which in turn gets her a SS number. The hospital isn't sure how that happened, but it did. To request a SSN we have to show her birth certificate, which we don't have. So I took in her death certificate in hopes that might work as it does have her place and date of birth. I was a bit worried that I'd get people that were having a bad day and that they'd be insensitive to my situation since I'd be explaining it to plenty of people. The nice lady on the phone said she was really sorry that I was having to deal with this. She figured by what info she had that it should work without a birth certificate. Finally our number was called and when I explained to the man behind the plate glass what I needed he said how sorry he was. He said he lost a grandchild and "it still hurts everyday." He worked with us for almost 20 minutes but after talking to his supervisor and looking online, apparently it can't be done. (still not sure why but it had to do something with getting a # for someone deceased) He said I could apply for a Tax ID number and he even went to the IRS website to print off the form, but I'd have to talk to the IRS for more details.

So after being at the office for an hour and a half, I took Katelynn to McDonald's because she did such a good job while we waited and we were both really hungry. So while she ate and then played on the play structure, I was on the phone with the IRS. I had to tell three different people my situation and every time they replied how sorry they were for my loss. Finally getting to the right person, she explained what we could do without a SSN yet it still involves getting a copy of her birth certificate. I should have just done that in the first place!! Oh well.

I guess the one redeeming factor from all of this is how considerate and sympathetic everyone I dealt with was. I had to "tell my story" almost 6 times today and was able to better articulate myself each time. I was all ready to deal with crabby public servants at government offices, but instead everyone made this unfortunate task just a bit more bearable.

My Shoes

My Shoes - Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other’s eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some people are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don’t hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No one deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a mother who has lost a child.


I hope to one day say I am a stronger woman because of these shoes and the experiences that go along with them, to say I have been given the strength to face anything. I have to know who I am before I can attribute that knowledge to these shoes. One day I'll walk in these shoes. Today however, I'm just learning to stand in them.

Good enough to be a tree!

So after I posted yesterday about the whole Christmas tree issue, I decided to do SOMETHING to the house. I realized that I would do it if Kristen WAS here, and I want to do it because Katelynn IS here. So I cried my way through all the Christmas decoration boxes in the garage and found a few things that I could put up without feeling too overwhelmed! I got out Katelynn's Santa photos and put those on the piano with the storytelling bear from Grandma Betty and the lit wreath from Aunt Karen. Then I found the garland I always put on the entertainment center. I figured it's evergreen-ish, it has lights and a few decorations...it can pass as our tree this year, right? I cleared out the area for the tree just in case, but when Kevin came home he agreed that for a week and a half's worth of enjoyment, what I had done was just right!

I had put everything up while Katelynn was napping so when she woke up and came down the hall she didn't quite know what to make of it - after a few attempts in her sleepy-headedness, she finally got out "we have Christmas lights!" And considering she gives the same exclamation to a house that has 10,000 lights as she does to a house that has their porch light on, I am sure I would have gotten the same reaction with or without the tree, just as long as there are Christmas lights!

One interesting side note: We had gotten Katelynn a "My first Christmas" ornament in 2006 and my parents have been getting Katelynn an ornament each year too. We had intended to get one for Kristen this year too but just haven't yet. As I was pulling out the various ornaments, I found Katelynn's from last year and if I didn't know any better, I would have thought it was for Kristen! It's a pretty child-like angle with her eyes closed.So that's the one hanging in the middle of all our decorations this year.

To Tree or not toTree? That is the question

I had been prepared to decorate our home this year for Christmas, until I looked at the calendar. We'll be heading to Spokane to be with family for the week of Christmas and that's just a week and a half away. I really enjoyed decorating last year, but this year Christmas just doesn't have the same zeal it used to. Now, don't get me wrong. I know the real meaning of Christmas and I'm not saying that's not important. It's just hard to be "merry and bright" and celebrate the birth of a baby when your heart's broken over the loss of your own.
I don't necessarily want to skip out on the tradition of decorating the tree with Kevin and Katelynn but feel it would just be an exercise of normalcy for sake of a forced "normal". I was looking forward to hanging a special ornament for Kristen and hearing Katelynn's constant squeals over Christmas lights! (we finally had to tell her not to scream in the car at EVERY light, even non-Christmas lights!) It's not that I want to be a Scrooge, but to be completely honest I just don't think I have what it takes this year. I question if it will help me get through the underlying sadness, seeing all the pretty lights and ornaments, or be a constant reminder that I don't have a little 4 month old cooing at the lights or that we won't have a family of 4 picture in front of it. We won't have tons of gifts to put under the tree, (and if we did, they wouldn't go there until Dec 24th anyway, we DO still have an almost three year old running around!!) and the ones we do have will be opened at family gatherings. So I am left to wonder if all the effort of getting out the tree and decorating it for a week's worth of enjoyment would truly bring that enjoyment, although greatly needed, I just don't know if it's worth it.
I guess we'll find out if the next post is "look at our pretty tree!" :)

NW Trek

Katelynn was given a Zoo/NW Trek pass for her birthday last year and we've had so much fun using it. A few weeks ago we had great weather and decided to head out to NW Trek, the local wildlife park. There were very few people and LOTS of animals out! We took the tram ride that usually is less than an hour, but it ended up being almost 90 minutes because of all the animals in the way! In some of the photos you can see how close the animals come to the tram (or how close we come to them, rather!) and there were a number of times we just had to wait for the animals to move!
On our way home I had Kevin stop the car so I could get a good photo of Mt. Rainier - my friend had just left to go back to Indiana and while she was here, the mountain was covered with clouds. I took this photo to prove it really does exist! :)

Add dressed up and somewhere to go!

I've had two wonderful opportunities in the last weeks to get all dressed up and both times I had so much fun! We had been given the gift of a night in Seattle as a get-away to be used at our leisure. Kevin was told to take his "bride" to Seattle, stay the night, go to the Met for dinner and bring back the receipts. Then my brother and sister-in-law gave us their Nutcracker tickets that they weren't able to use. So we decided to combine both gifts and "go all out!" We stayed at the new Sheraton downtown, ate dinner at the Metropolitan Grill (a very nice restaurant in Seattle) and then went to the ballet. It was fun to get all dressed up! Since we checked in to our hotel early, we had lots of time to get ready and not be rushed. Then last week our church had a women's Christmas party and we all got the chance to get dressed up. To read the rest of the post and see our photos click the title of the post.

Not all our photos came out that well, but here's a few:

We had GREAT seats! On the first balcony, you can see the spot lights.
We were sitting one row behind the first spotlight from the left. Thanks Trav & Amanda!This was the dance of the sugar plums.
We were at the opening night of the 25th Anniversary of the Seattle Nutcracker. At the end they had the who's who of the PNW Ballet and the Nutcracker production come out and take a bow with the whole cast.
Photo-op with the Nutcracker! We found out that the designer of Seattle's Nutcracker, who is Maurice Sendek - the writing of "Where the Wild Things Are" wanted to make Seattle's Nutcracker distinguishable from any other production. So he made the Nutcracker look like himself!

(Funny side note- while I was posting this, Katelynn asked a number of times what the photos were of. I told her it was of the ballet that mommy and daddy went to called the Nutcracker. She kept asking where I was in the photos of the dancers and then asked where the cracker was....when I told her it was the NUTcracker, it's used to open nuts, she then started asking where the nuts were. Gotta love looking at the world through the eyes of a three year old!)

Then last week our church had a "Christmas at Tiffany's" Christmas party for all the ladies at the Puyallup Pavillion. We had over 400 women in their finest all gathered for a good time. We had fancy foods & dessert, comedian Tim Hawkins and even give-aways, including a Tiffany's bracelet to one lucky winner! As I walked up to the door there was a line of gentlemen in white and black greeting us - and it was all guys from my bible study! What a treat!

Here are just a few photos I got that night.

Sandy and I.

Casey and I.


Me, Jen and Sandy.(Thanks for the photo, Jen!)

Daddys Black Bonnett Part 2

So let me begin by saying that we are way behind in updating our blog. Sorry. This is at least a week and a half behind.

This was my second session in the completion of my tattoo. It was a 2 hour session. As Mike, my tattoo artist stated, this session was just to lay the "base coat of color" down. It's hard to see in the photo, but 15 of the 18 feathers have a purple undertone to them. 3 of them are orange. Again, the 18 feathers represents the genetic defect that Kristen had, Edwards syndrome aka Trisomy 18. The 3 orange feathers represents the 18th chromosome having 3 chromosomes. My next session will be the last one and will be a 3 hour session. In that session is when the colors will be blended more with blues and greens on the 15 feathers and the other 3 will have red and yellows added to them. Kristen's feet will be colored in, the whole thing will have shadows added to give the tattoo some dimension, and the ribbons will be finalized.

I had this done on Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. Within 2 days, it began to peel, unlike the outline which took about a week to start peeling. It was kind of weird having red and purple skin peel off. I have to try really hard not to scratch it as it really really itches.

The funny thing about having a tattoo is now Katelynn says "I want one, a red one." My response, when your 18. Oh the joys of an almost 3 year old.

What were you doing three months ago today?

Hard to believe our answer to this question is having a baby! The day started out with joy and anticipation, not all went as hoped because by the end of the day there was fear and confusion. We did get to birth our baby (although not as planned) and welcome her into our world which our society marks as ones birthday, even if she was only here for three days. So, happy three month birthday Baby Kristen!

And thank you to my friend Cara for calling today to remember her and wish her a happy three month birthday! It was such an appreciated and joyful way for her to let us know she hasn't forgotten what we live everyday. It's nice to have someone mention Kristen's name fondly, it brings a smile to my face, which I've been told I need to do more often! I found out over Thanksgiving that people haven't wanted to mention her for fear of "offending" me/us. If they only knew how much I WISH I could talk about her, how much I long for someone to mention her name or for me not to cause an awkward silence when I do. But as I've learned from my other T18 Mommies, that's our new normal and we just learn to celebrate our own little milestones in our own little way.

For me I want to remember her birth, not her death. So I want to remind people of her birth "day" just like mommies of live babies do, but it seems awkward and it has such "bad timing". In November, it's the day before my father-in-law's birthday. In December, it will be four days after Christmas and the day before my mom's birthday. In January, it will be three days before Katelynn's 3rd birthday. There isn't a February 29th this year, so we skip that month altogether! Then March will be 6 months!!

So, what was I doing three months ago tonight? I was becoming the mommy of a beautiful little girl named Kristen whom I will always celebrate!!

Spending Black Friday DEBT FREE!!

According to Dave Ramsey and his Financial Peace University you're considered debt free once you're consumer debt is paid off (which includes lines of credit). Your primary home mortgage is considered a "good debt" because it is increasing in value with every payment. So besides our house, we are now officially debt free! We just paid the last $75.04 of our Line of Credit that paid for our roof two years ago. What a way to spend Black Friday - getting OUT of debt while in the comforts of our warm home instead of waiting in line out in the cold to get IN to debt! Thanks Dave Ramsey!!

My Burqa Baby!

Katelynn loves to help when I am folding clothes, however her form of "help" is usually in the way of comic relief! She will usually find something to put over her head and I just have to take a photo! Here's two from today and one from a little while ago. Just a little something to make me laugh!
(the two from today are with a swimsuit on her head and the last one is one of my shirts.)

Busy weekend ahead!

Although I am looking forward to it, I've got one crazy weekend ahead of me!
I've got my Open House on Saturday (details below in case you're interested!) and a Holiday Bazaar in Puyallup at the Gem Heights Club House on Sunday from 11-4 pm to benefit a non-profit moms club. If you're looking for something to do this weekend, come visit me! I'd love to help you celebrate your memories through photos! :)

Remembering Kristen at Christmas

I've been thinking a lot lately how to best honor/remember Kristen this Christmas without making it be all about her. I want to celebrate the life she had on earth, the life she is enjoying in heaven and not so much about the earthly death she experienced. She's part of our family. She always will be, but how do we incorporate that? I don't want her to be forgotten or overlooked because she's not here in person. This would have been her first Christmas and there are lots of things that we do for a baby's first Christmas - do we have to miss out on that opportunity? That's one thing that I struggle with is having experiences stolen from us. The dates still come and go on the calendar, but not with the anticipation and excitement they once did. We're still excited for Katelynn to experience the joys and wonder of Christmas, but there's just something about celebrating the birth of a baby while mourning the loss of one. Yeah, I know, if it wasn't for Jesus we wouldn't have the hope we do that Kristen is in a better place and we'll see her one day.....but I still want her here with me and that will never change. The desires are still there to to get a cute little tiny Christmas dress for her, have her photo with Santa, and feel the joy Mary did as she held her newborn.

I've been wanting to some how incorporate her into our family traditions and maybe somehow into a family photo via a stuffed animal or something. Some people may feel uncomfortable with us wanting to incorporate Kristen into our family traditions, but until they loose a baby and find themselves making similar decisions, they can keep their opinions to themselves! :) I won't have her ignored just because she's not here.

So I/We've decided to do a few things.
1. We're still going to get her a little stocking. I've read suggestions to write her little notes or tell little stories, so it becomes kind of an on-going time capsule, chronicling our journey. But then that way she'd always be part of our family "line-up" at Christmas.

2. She'll still have an ornament on the tree. That's been a tradition my parents have always done. I want to get her one too. Below is a link to the ornaments that the Trisomy 18 Foundation sells, raising money for the foundation that supports the families of babies diagnosed, living with or lost from Trisomy 18.


3. Buying gifts: it seems kind of weird to be buying gifts for a baby that would never play with them, but it also seems weird NOT to be buying gifts for a baby this year. So I decided I would get a giving tree or Toys for Tots baby and buy a few gifts for them in honor of Kristen. I could do that every year in her honor (for a child that would be the same age as she would have been that year) and our kids could do it too as they got old enough to understand. I may even have Katelynn help pick out the gift this year or have her give one herself.

4. Christmas card/letter: I've been meaning to do one for years and never did....not sure if I will this year or not. I would want to send a photo, but how do we best represent our family of four with just three people? And it feels kinda weird writing a letter that usually tells of the previous year "Kevin loves his new job, Katelynn started preschool, we had a baby and we lost a baby, and Merry Christmas!" But I also want people to know about our family's year as there was more that happened than just Kristen. But I suppose all the people I would be sending it to already know!

I'm sure I'll add to and/or modify this "Christmas List" as time goes by. But it gives me/us somewhere to start. I don't know theologically if Kristen can see/experience us here on earth, but I can rest in the fact that the Christmas celebration she gets to witness will be out of this world!

Our Hope Endures

I can't seem to get the song added to our playlist so you can listen to it from our blog, but I wanted to post the words that I hear at least once a day that are so encouraging. (the song is really powerful too, so I hope to get it on here soon!) Having faith doesn't mean the rain stops. It doesn't mean life won't happen. It does mean that when life DOES happen, you're not alone and you will get through it. I especially identify with the line that says "our Hope endures the worst of conditions" it doesn't say it keeps us from them. But it endures in spite of them.


Our Hope Endures by Natalie Grant

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is racked
With illness, oh how can she laugh?
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Playing Catch Up

Wow, I didn't realize how far behind I was with our blog until I downloaded photos today and saw how many haven't been shared! So I will do what I can to play catch up and post them in a way that they will be posted chronologically (i.e., after this post). Enjoy!

Katelynn's First "Official" Haircut

I'd been saying for months that Katelynn needed a haircut. Daddy's been doing her bangs so she could at least see!! But with her major cowlick on the back crown of her head, she was looking pretty shaggy! :) I could get ponytails in but they'd only last a few minutes before she'd take them out.
So I broke down and took her to an official kids cut "salon" and reluctantly paid salon prices!! But I figured this would be her first time (and possibly her last!) so I wanted to do anything I could to make it favorable. Katelynn was excited about getting to sit in a fun airplane, but then realized there was an ulterior motive and didn't like it too much after that. The lady kept putting a new toy in front of her every few seconds and I could tell she was getting overstimulated. The cut took less than 15 minutes and looked really cute! She softened the edges and got the back to match the curly sides that are taking longer to grow. Hopefully the cut will encourage her hair to grow like everyone says it will! Here are some cute photos!

Before:

After:

We came home and Katelynn wanted me to take some photos of her so we took some! Ain't she cute!

People ask me "how do you do it?" referring to surviving the loss of a baby. I don't know for sure, but I do know that this little two and a half year old not only keeps me on my toes, but keeps me above water at the same time. I am thankful that she reminds me that life really does go on. Sometimes I don't feel like it will. But, then it does. She may be a handful, but she's a heartful of joy at the same time.

One busy week/weekend!!

My friend Charissa came to the NW from Indiana for work and was able to work out coming to see us in the middle of her trip. We hadn't seen each other since 2005 when Kevin and I went to visit her and her family in Indianapolis (while I was 5 months pregnant with Katelynn, so it'd been a while!). Kevin and I worked out to stay the night in Portland Friday by ourselves and then picked her up on Saturday afternoon after spending the day at the Clackamas Mall and then drove back to Tacoma. We had more on our to-do list than we had energy so we had to pair down our agenda a bit!
**SIDE NOTE** While we were checking out of our hotel, a lady in the elevator asked what my black pin was and I was so caught off guard that all I could come up with was "um, it's because we lost a baby." She looked shocked and said "Oh, I'm sorry" and looked away almost sorry that she asked. We got off the elevator and walked away and I reran the conversation in my head for the next few hours. I should have thanked her for asking or something more than what I did say. Later I mentioned to a sales lady at the mall that I was shopping for new clothes since I recently had a baby and she asked me how old my little one was. I told her that she had passed away. She apologized but I thanked her for asking anyway. That felt better, but I definitely need to work on my response if I am going to wear my pin!
We spent Sunday in Ellensburg visiting with my parents. We like to meet them there for lunch and visit for a bit instead of one of us having to do the whole drive to/from Spokane in a weekend. We came home that night and went to the Purchase With A Purpose at the mall so Katelynn could get her photo with Santa - which was a whole adventure in and of itself! (I'll post the photo when I get it scanned, it's funny now that's it's over, but it was sure an ordeal that night!) Then Monday we needed a break so we skipped MOPS and ran some errands.
Then Tuesday we went up to Seattle and Pike Place Market where we spent most of the day. She got to see the flying fish, the beautiful produce, the interesting and unique vendors and of course paid a visit to the original first Starbucks store! We spent the rest of the night shopping for her family and for me - trying to replace my prego wardrobe with a more updated and modern looking one that will fit my post-baby body! Wednesday we were too tired from the day before (and still had quite a bit on our to-do list) so we skipped preschool and stayed home. I shared Creative Memories with her and she shared Mary Kay with me as we colored/high-lighted my hair. (to go with my new updated wardrobe! actually I had been wanting to do it for some time) That night we had our friend Kelly come over for dinner and to visit. Then Thursday morning Katelynn and I took Charissa to the Amtrak station for her ride down to Salem where she would be meeting up with her co-workers again. We then went to get Katelynn's hair cut "officially" for the first time. That will be a post all it's own!
Needless to say it was quite a full 6 days for us! It was a nice to have a few days where I could "act normal" and not feel like a grieving mother/wife. However, that took it's toll. I realized the night before she left and more so after she was gone that "acting normal" felt like a disservice to her as my friend as well as to Kristen. I wanted to make sure my friend and I had a good time and I unknowingly decided that wouldn't include me as Kristen's mom. I wanted so much in my pretending to "feel" normal or what I thought was normal, that I wasn't allowing myself to be me, the good and not-so-good. But just like that day at MOPS that I blogged about, the only person I was pretending for (and probably the only one I was fooling) was me! So although I regret not sharing that with my friend while she was here, I am so thankful for the time I did have, the fun we did have, and the realization of what "being me" means.

50 Days until Christmas

Hard to believe it's been 66 days since Kristen was with us and only 50 until Christmas! Some days I want a PAUSE button, other days I'd be fine skipping head!
I wanted to quickly post a notice about an event this coming Sunday for those that don't know.

This Sunday (11/09) is the Purchase With A Purpose night at the South Hill Mall in Puyallup. It's an exclusive night of VIP shopping just for ticket holders - which my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group is selling. The tickets are only $5 and we keep all of the funds we raise. They have door prize drawings all night long, free photos with Santa (and not just Polaroids!), special discounts in the mall stores as well as live entertainment. You can see more details at the Mall's website. You can get tickets at the door, but when you get your tickets through me, it helps support our MOPS group. If you have any questions or would like tickets please give me a call or e-mail me. Thanks!!
Blessings,
Tara
P.S. For those with kids, we had families come last year, get their photos taken with Santa and then one parent took them home while the other parent stayed to do some shopping with friends or by themselves!

Kristen's Bridge

Our friends, Rod and Sandy, spent a good portion of the summer working on a water feature in their yard. No little water feature, mind you! A very impressive one complete with a bridge and everything! While we were at the hospital surrounded by friends and family on Kristen's last day, we were sharing how we were told to cross certain bridges as we get there, and not worry about them until we get there. There was a lot of uncertainty in our lives at that moment (as there still is 2 months later!) so we kept saying "we'll cross that bridge when we get there." What will we tell Katelynn? we'll cross that bridge when we get there. what will we do with Kristen's body? we'll cross that bridge when we get there. How do we tell people about Kristen since they're expecting "exciting news"? we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Unbeknown to us, during that conversation Rod's son Shaun mentioned to his dad the idea of dedicating their new bridge to Kristen. So when it was ready they invited us over for dinner along with another family that had been helping us through some of the tough stuff. I thought it was just for dinner, but as we were gathering in the kitchen, Rod asked if we had all walked across the bridge now that it was done. We said yes, but he suggested we all go out again and look at it one more time. I thought it was a little odd, but followed the crowd. Soon you could sense a tad bit of awkwardness as everyone was trying to fit on the bridge - not just walking across, they all knew why they were there, we didn't.
That was when Rod began sharing the story of how the idea to dedicate the bridge to Kristen came up. He then unwrapped a tall post that had been covered with plastic for the last week or two. It unveiled a beautiful plaque with a dedication to Kristen and the quote that has been used numerous times to celebrate her life. It was beautiful and completely unexpected! (just the night before I had joked at our bible study when someone asked why the post was covered, I said it was for the toll booth that was yet to be installed....little did I know!) Rod told us they wanted to offer a place for us to remember our daughter any time we wanted to.
I didn't realize what that would mean to me personally until we started our fall bible study at their house. I walk by the bridge every Monday night and every time I do I find myself saying in my heart "Hi sweetie!". Because we had Kristen cremated, we don't have a physical place to go to remember her like some do at a cemetery. But I do have a place that I can go when I need to "have a moment", and I can cross that bridge anytime I want.
Thank you Rod and Sandy.

What a fun day!

Yesterday Katelynn had a lot of fun! She had a friend come over and play for a bit while her mom was with her brothers. Miriam is the younger sister of two older brothers so playdates in their house don't usually have much to do with girls her age. So the last few weeks we have been getting our girls together to play and they love it! Katelynn even started calling Miriam "Sister" a few times during the day, it was really cute! What really got me was that they each would talk in their toddler-speak with one or two discernable words, but they're totally understand each other! This is a photo of them on the couch reading a book. Katelynn wanted to read it to Miriam and Miriam wanted to sit close and look at the pictures. Every time she'd try to get closer, Katelynn would inch away. It was quite funny to watch!

Then of course it was Halloween! Our MOPS group does a costume borrow/swap each year where you can lend your outgrown costumes to other moms. I love it! This year Katelynn got to be Snow White and it fit her so well! Here's the photo we took at home and then one with Nana and Papa at their church's "Harvest Hatchback." They line up cars in their parking lot and the owners decorate the backends of their vehicles so the kids can do their trick-or-treating in the parking lot! She did it last year and did really well. This year was great too!