24 Weeks down, only 16 to go!

It's crazy to think I've already been pregnant now for 6 Months! However, more days than not I physically feel like it!! But it's crazy to think I'm only 4 weeks (one month!) away from my third trimester already! Woo-hoo!

I had a fetal echo scan on Monday just to check the baby's heart and give momma a little piece of mind :). I wasn't satisfied with how the routine ultrasound went at 20 weeks and was offered another ultrasound JUST for the heart so I took it. (Kristen's heart defects weren't the kind that show up on routine ultrasounds. Needless to say, if insurance will cover giving me peace of mind (and it doesn't pose a risk for baby, I'm all for it!) Ashley cooperated with the tech - who did an AMAZING job by the way! He was able to get all the shots he needed even with her jumping and turning around, and everything looks and sounds great. It was fun getting to see her move around so much on the screen and feel her at the same time. She measured RIGHT ON to where she should be @ 23 weeks 6 days on Monday. We never had that with Kristen (she always measured behind) and Katelynn's dates were always just a tad behind too so it's always reassuring to hear that my baby is measuring right TO THE DAY! (Granted usually the measurements are within a 1-2 week +/- window, so having them give me that measurement felt so good!)

So here's the update for where Ashely's at now that she's 24 weeks old! :)
Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts her at just over a pound. Since she's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), she cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but her body is filling out proportionally and she'll soon start to plump up. Her brain is also growing quickly now, and her taste buds are continuing to develop and should start working very soon. Her lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help her air sacs inflate once she hits the outside world. Her skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon.

Out of the Rubble (part 2)

(to read Part 1 first, click here)
I was two and a half years old when Mt. St. Helen's blew. I don't remember any of it but I've been told stories and have read enough to know how impacting it was. I've been to the National Park to see the aftermath now 30 years later and there's no question something HUGE happened there. There are still "mountains" of ash along I-5, most of our parents still have jars of ash stuck away somewhere, and even my promise ring I got as a teenager was an emerald made from Mt. St. Helen's ash. But I don't have to have personal memories of wearing face masks or having the day sky turn dark to know how powerful it was or the kind of devastation it left in its wake. No one had to instill a sense of fear in me to understand the power God has in His creation which would keep me away from volcanoes. And you know what? I live in the shadow of Mt. Rainier (even enjoy being ON the mountain) and rarely think twice about it being a volcano! It's beautiful to me - not scary. And Mt. St. Helen's is now a beautiful monument not a graveyard or wasteland.

Last night (well, early this morning!) I blogged about how God was offering to start removing the rubble and debris that was left from the loss of Kristen so that this new baby would have the light and life it needed to enter this world. I thankfully was able to go back to sleep for 2 hours (most of my blogging happens in the wee hours of the morning when I can't sleep so being able to go back to sleep is SOOO nice!) and in that little nap I had a dream. Lately my dreams haven't been all that encouraging - usually they're about the baby and I either forget that I have one to care for and take with me, forget that I need to feed or change her, or something along those lines. (mainly because I never got to do those things with Kristen because there were nurses and doctors doing that for me.) But in this dream I was holding the baby and waving to Kevin through a big window to bring in Katelynn to meet her. But Katelynn didn't know or understand what was going on because we had kept her from the whole experience "just in case". That's when I realized that it's not just the baby or me & Kevin that God wants to remove the rubble from, but Katelynn too.

We involved Katelynn in every aspect of preparation with Kristen. She was excited! We got clothes out, she came to the baby shower, she helped get the crib ready in her room, we even watch movies and read books about a new baby coming home. So when the baby didn't come home, she was a little confused since she saw her at the hospital. She actually just thought the baby went back into mommy's tummy! But she was 2 and 1/2 and I didn't really expect her to remember too much. We did explain that Baby Kristen went to heaven but the comprehension of that has changed through out the months. So when I woke up from this dream I realized that out of my own self-preservation and fear of the unknown, I was almost robbing Katelynn of that anticipation that she got to experience with Kristen. By not wanting to set the crib up yet, get clothes out or even have a baby shower, I was taking away the elements of anticipation not only for myself (almost intentionally) but for Katelynn as well. She doesn't know that bad things can happen to babies, so why shouldn't waiting for this baby be just as exciting as waiting for Kristen? Just like I don't remember Mt. St. Helen's blowing but I love looking at and living near Mt. Rainer.

As I let myself process the dream I began to realize that I was using my rubble to "protect" Katelynn from something bad happening. She'll be 4 and 1/2 when this baby is born and most likely will remember it. What do I want her to remember? That mommy's tummy got big, she went away and came home with a baby? No. I want her to anticipate and prepare for her new sister. I want her to "make room" in her life. If something bad happens, well...I guess God will have to handle that one -- AGAIN! But I want Kristen to be remembered for the good things and in appropriate ways, I don't want her memory to overshadow and prohibit life from happening. It's one thing to be tentative or have reservations about things, I know what it means to be the 1 in 5,000 to have a baby with T18. But to be scared of anticipating life for fear of death, that's not the life that Christ died for me to have. Or anyone in my family for that matter!

So like I wrote in my first rubble blog - it's up to God how He will remove the bricks and I have to trust He knows what He's doing. I'm just surprised that it's happening so fast and so noticeably! A few months ago I was fearful of doing the basic preparations for the baby. The sting was still there from taking down an empty crib, packing up gifts and putting away the matching outfits I had for the girls to wear in their fist "sibling photos". But God has been softening my heart and brick by brick giving me an anticipation for this little girl without the overshadowing "what if's". Then with the confirmation of gender and getting to really see her on the ultrasound came the realization that this little girl deserves just as much excitement and preparation for her life and entrance into this world as Katelynn and Kristen got. THEN...this dream made me realize that Katelynn should be allowed to anticipate and enjoy the excitement of this new baby too. That out of the ashes we would be able to dust off this pearl and treasure her for what and who she is - NOW. So we decided to name our little girl Ashley Megan. Although "Ashley" officially means from the meadow of the ash trees and "Megan" means little pearl, we like that she's due on Mt. St. Helen's Day (May 18th) and that God is giving us beauty for ashes.

I've been singing Sara Grove's song in my head since I posted it: It's been a hard year, I'm climbing out of the rubble, the lessons are hard, healing changes are subtle. And I feel you here, and you're picking up the pieces, Forever faithful. It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation, but You are able. And in Your hands the pain and hurt, Look less like scars and more like: Character.

Rubble (part 1)

If you had told me a year ago that I would be posting this I'd say you were crazy. But here I am. Last night at church we prayed for Haiti, as I'm sure (and hope) most churches will do during their services this weekend. But there was more to it. He said as he was praying over the week, having his heart broken for the devastation that has happened and continues to happen to this already "down and out" country, the Lord asked him (and I'm paraphrasing, sorry Roger!) "How are they so different than the people in your own city? Because the rubble and debris is on the outside in Haiti, you see it. But there are people dying and being buried under rubble in their lives everyday. That is the rubble I want to remove, to bring life back to them, not despair under the weight of their circumstances."

Then Roger invited us to put our hands on our hearts and pray together, asking God, inviting God, to remove the rubble in our lives that our circumstances had buried us with. I don't remember all of what we prayed but something changed in me. I realized as we prayed that my hands were no longer above my heart but had slid down to just above my belly. As we prayed over the areas in our lives that we needed a divine rescuing, I got the picture of God setting aside the rubble that is still left from our tragedy with Kristen, almost sweeping off my tummy, to let the new baby (and a new mommy) emerge unhindered by the circumstances that preceded her. He wasn't just throwing the pieces away. He was carefully setting them aside, brick by brick, making a nice pile to the side, in a way saying "we'll come back to that later, but for now, there's life to be had and this rubble is in the way."

Now, don't get me wrong. Kristen is by no means rubble!! But the aftermath that a tragic labor/birth experience and unexpected loss leave is no dust bunny under the sofa either. It's hard to get excited about having a baby like I did with Katelynn and Kristen when you know that bad things happen. Having a baby is more than just gift registries and diapers. I'll admit I haven't wanted to completely "buy in" to the idea that we're having a baby until she's home in my arms. This last week I did a bit more with the ultrasound and finding out she's a girl. But during that prayer time it was like God was wanting to remove the debris of that experience, so that I could have a renewed experience. I've been thinking of this quite a bit and asking a lot of "HOW" questions. How do I do that? How do I not feel like I'm leaving Kristen behind or ignoring who she was and what happened? I don't want people to think I've "moved on" - you never really do. And it keeps coming back to "that's not your responsibility. That's God's specialty."

I watched on the news the people in Haiti clearing out rubble literally brick by brick. And 4.5 years later they're still clearing out and rebuilding after Katrina. Reconstruction doesn't happen overnight. But first things first - clear the way for life to happen. Not sure how God does that, but I know He's able. Below are some lyrics from a songwriting who always seems to speak right to my soul and where I'm at. There are a few lines in the song that I couldn't have written any better and speak to what God does with our rubble. I will always have an external scar from Kristen but I look forward to what God does with the internal ones.

Less Like Scars
by Sara Groves

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
And more like
Character

Week 22 Update (a little late)

Technically, I "turned" 22 weeks on Monday, but I thought I'd post this anyway, since it's still kinda interesting!
At 11 inches (the length of a spaghetti squash) and almost 1 pound, our baby is starting to look like a miniature newborn. Her lips, eyelids, and eyebrows are becoming more distinct, and she's even developing tiny tooth buds beneath her gums. Her eyes have formed, but her irises (the colored part of the eye) still lack pigment. If you could see inside my womb, you'd be able to spot the fine hair (lanugo) that covers her body and the deep wrinkles on her skin, which she'll sport until she adds a padding of fat to fill them in. Inside her belly, her pancreas — essential for the production of some important hormones — is developing steadily.

I still haven't had a chance to get the ultrasound photos up yet. Someday....I still have an almost 4 year old to run after and editing photos isn't high on the to-do list! :)

Katelynn Was Right!!!

Well, it looks like the possibility of us getting a BOY dog in the future is more of a reality in the hopes that Kevin won't feel so left out. We found out today that our new bundle of joy is a GIRL!! I hope to post the photos we got today soon - they're great!

Everyone we talked to or heard/read about us expecting thought we were having a boy except Katelynn. She's said it was a girl from day one. Well, she was right!!

In our two previous pregnancies we were never 100% sure of the gender until the moment we met - this is kinda weird knowing! But fun too! Now we can really work on names, I can really purge the attic of clothes and only keep what we/I really want, and we can stop calling the baby "IT" and say SHE and HER.

Of course, Katelynn is super excited! We took her to the appointment with us since we knew it would be an in-office ultrasound done by the midwife that helped to deliver Katelynn, and she wouldn't mind her being in the room. The baby was really active which was fun for us all to see and Katelynn said she was playing hide-and-seek with how she was coming and leaving the screen! :) Funny how this ultrasound put me more at peace than the "technical" one. I just wanted to see my baby, looking like a baby, acting like a baby. I'm glad she has spleen and healthy liver, but I want to see her suck her thumb or something! We saw her opening and closing her mouth and even got a couple of photos of her kicking, one with the legs up ready to kick, and the 2nd with her legs stretched out. It was fun!

Thank you Jesus for a reassuring appointment and a beautiful look at our new baby daughter!

New blog address for 2010 progress! :)

I decided not to clutter our family blog with all my "Starting Again in 2010" posts and found out that the address for a new blog was available! Not that I need another blog to keep up (as if two blogs, facebook, my CM website, and 4 e-mail addresses weren't enough!) but I wanted a place to really focus on the progress I want to make with de-cluttering, mothering, meal planning, and all the other areas I want to start again with in 2010. You're more than welcome to follow along!!

http://startingagainin2010.blogspot.com

I want to spruce it up a bit still, but that can come later!

Starting Again in 2010

With my business background I'm a sucker for a good slogan. :) They stick with you and remind you of their "owner." Well, I've heard of people starting new years with new slogans and mottos to help them get what they want out of the year to come. Call it resolutions, call it whatever you want, it's change and I applaud anyone that at least attempts it because it means they recognized an area in their life where they need/want change and are doing something about it.

Well, I have a new slogan: "Starting Again in 2010." Funny thing is, this didn't even come to light until I started making the changes, it just kinda fit! (I know there's nothing new under the sun, this slogan is all over the internet, but it's new for me and it works!) This is taking on a ton of areas in my life that have needed change or have been in the process, but now the fruit of the effort is beginning to show. Although this is our family's blog, a lot of the changes have to do with my family, so I hope to blog about some of them to help me keep track and to hopefully encourage others to make changes as well. I've had a lot percolating over the last few weeks and have a lot to post so here goes!!

A Tribute to the Invisible Woman

I had seen this a while ago and was thankful for the reminder when it came around again. I hope you will be encouraged too! I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels invisible once in a while.
(the audio and video are off at a few points, but you can just listen.)

Week 21 - officially past the half way mark!

I know I've been pretty bad about keep up with the weekly updates - but I figure most people don't keep track of their lives in weeks so missing a few of these won't hurt! If you can believe I'm already at 21 weeks! Technically "full term" is 40 weeks but baby can really come anywhere between 39 and 42. Either way, I've breached the half-way mark and it's going fast! I've only got 7 more weeks of my 2nd trimester and then it's the home stretch!

Here's the latest for the 21 week development update:
The baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot. The initial fluttering movements are starting to turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges which is fun to feel. There's not the major development happening like in the first trimester with major organs and such, but they do say that the baby's eyebrows and lids are present now.

Next Monday is a routine check-up with the midwife and she said she'll do an in-office ultrasound to give us a better look at the baby for our own sake and hopefully check on gender. We're not holding our breath on the gender though! :) But we'll keep you posted.