A special Christmas gift

It's hard not to feel alone in your grief when you've lost a baby. I've chatted with a number of other moms that agree. It seems you hit the 4-6 month mark and people think that your life looks normal and you should be over it. Or you have another child and the world assumes that new child somehow fills the hole in your heart although nothing could be farther from the truth. (no, we're not pregnant!) The moms who have lost a baby and then had another child said their grief is still present, if not more so. Although filled with joy for the new life you now hold, you are ever so much more reminded of the life you are no longer holding.

All that to say I have been encouraged by the number of people that have expressed their sentiments to me/us over the last month or so. It seems the days I feel the loneliest are the days when I get a letter, card, e-mail or special little something in the mail letting me know they're still thinking of me and remembering Kristen every day. I got one such e-mail from a friend on Christmas and I asked her if I could share. This is part of it:

Also, I wanted to share with you part of my Christmas gift from Elizabeth. She wasn't sure what to get me this year, so wrote a letter instead. The following is part of what she wrote:

"I wanted my gift to be meaningful. I wanted it to show you how deeply I love, care for, and respect you. I remembered the night we were walking with Daniel and someone asked the question, 'if you could meet anyone, past or present, who would it be?' you said Kristen. I wish that was a gift I could give you. I've thought about the deep hurt, questions, and anger that resulted from the loss of precious baby Kristen. I also thought about the mysterious ways God chooses to speak to and use us. The Balcoms will be different because of one little life. You will be different because of one little life. . . . Finally, I have donated $50 to the Trisomy 18 foundation in Kristen Moriah Balcom's name. I cannot give you the gift of time with
her, but perhaps this money can be used to ensure that one day, others will not have to experience the same hurt."

I was in tears by the end of the letter. Know that baby Kristen is thought of often by me, my family, and my friends. I love you! Merry Christmas!!

Kristen's Ornament

Well, we braved the crowds and ice and actually went to the mall this evening. I had some shopping to do for our church to make up for some of the giving tree ornaments that didn't come back. On our way to Target we passed by Hallmark and decided to give it a try to find an ornament for Kristen. We looked for about 45 seconds in the baby/kid section then saw this one just to the left and knew it was perfect! We both said "That was easy!" We then looked for one for Katelynn, but that wasn't as easy. We decided to try for that one later. :)

Good enough to be a tree!

So after I posted yesterday about the whole Christmas tree issue, I decided to do SOMETHING to the house. I realized that I would do it if Kristen WAS here, and I want to do it because Katelynn IS here. So I cried my way through all the Christmas decoration boxes in the garage and found a few things that I could put up without feeling too overwhelmed! I got out Katelynn's Santa photos and put those on the piano with the storytelling bear from Grandma Betty and the lit wreath from Aunt Karen. Then I found the garland I always put on the entertainment center. I figured it's evergreen-ish, it has lights and a few decorations...it can pass as our tree this year, right? I cleared out the area for the tree just in case, but when Kevin came home he agreed that for a week and a half's worth of enjoyment, what I had done was just right!

I had put everything up while Katelynn was napping so when she woke up and came down the hall she didn't quite know what to make of it - after a few attempts in her sleepy-headedness, she finally got out "we have Christmas lights!" And considering she gives the same exclamation to a house that has 10,000 lights as she does to a house that has their porch light on, I am sure I would have gotten the same reaction with or without the tree, just as long as there are Christmas lights!

One interesting side note: We had gotten Katelynn a "My first Christmas" ornament in 2006 and my parents have been getting Katelynn an ornament each year too. We had intended to get one for Kristen this year too but just haven't yet. As I was pulling out the various ornaments, I found Katelynn's from last year and if I didn't know any better, I would have thought it was for Kristen! It's a pretty child-like angle with her eyes closed.So that's the one hanging in the middle of all our decorations this year.

To Tree or not toTree? That is the question

I had been prepared to decorate our home this year for Christmas, until I looked at the calendar. We'll be heading to Spokane to be with family for the week of Christmas and that's just a week and a half away. I really enjoyed decorating last year, but this year Christmas just doesn't have the same zeal it used to. Now, don't get me wrong. I know the real meaning of Christmas and I'm not saying that's not important. It's just hard to be "merry and bright" and celebrate the birth of a baby when your heart's broken over the loss of your own.
I don't necessarily want to skip out on the tradition of decorating the tree with Kevin and Katelynn but feel it would just be an exercise of normalcy for sake of a forced "normal". I was looking forward to hanging a special ornament for Kristen and hearing Katelynn's constant squeals over Christmas lights! (we finally had to tell her not to scream in the car at EVERY light, even non-Christmas lights!) It's not that I want to be a Scrooge, but to be completely honest I just don't think I have what it takes this year. I question if it will help me get through the underlying sadness, seeing all the pretty lights and ornaments, or be a constant reminder that I don't have a little 4 month old cooing at the lights or that we won't have a family of 4 picture in front of it. We won't have tons of gifts to put under the tree, (and if we did, they wouldn't go there until Dec 24th anyway, we DO still have an almost three year old running around!!) and the ones we do have will be opened at family gatherings. So I am left to wonder if all the effort of getting out the tree and decorating it for a week's worth of enjoyment would truly bring that enjoyment, although greatly needed, I just don't know if it's worth it.
I guess we'll find out if the next post is "look at our pretty tree!" :)

Add dressed up and somewhere to go!

I've had two wonderful opportunities in the last weeks to get all dressed up and both times I had so much fun! We had been given the gift of a night in Seattle as a get-away to be used at our leisure. Kevin was told to take his "bride" to Seattle, stay the night, go to the Met for dinner and bring back the receipts. Then my brother and sister-in-law gave us their Nutcracker tickets that they weren't able to use. So we decided to combine both gifts and "go all out!" We stayed at the new Sheraton downtown, ate dinner at the Metropolitan Grill (a very nice restaurant in Seattle) and then went to the ballet. It was fun to get all dressed up! Since we checked in to our hotel early, we had lots of time to get ready and not be rushed. Then last week our church had a women's Christmas party and we all got the chance to get dressed up. To read the rest of the post and see our photos click the title of the post.

Not all our photos came out that well, but here's a few:

We had GREAT seats! On the first balcony, you can see the spot lights.
We were sitting one row behind the first spotlight from the left. Thanks Trav & Amanda!This was the dance of the sugar plums.
We were at the opening night of the 25th Anniversary of the Seattle Nutcracker. At the end they had the who's who of the PNW Ballet and the Nutcracker production come out and take a bow with the whole cast.
Photo-op with the Nutcracker! We found out that the designer of Seattle's Nutcracker, who is Maurice Sendek - the writing of "Where the Wild Things Are" wanted to make Seattle's Nutcracker distinguishable from any other production. So he made the Nutcracker look like himself!

(Funny side note- while I was posting this, Katelynn asked a number of times what the photos were of. I told her it was of the ballet that mommy and daddy went to called the Nutcracker. She kept asking where I was in the photos of the dancers and then asked where the cracker was....when I told her it was the NUTcracker, it's used to open nuts, she then started asking where the nuts were. Gotta love looking at the world through the eyes of a three year old!)

Then last week our church had a "Christmas at Tiffany's" Christmas party for all the ladies at the Puyallup Pavillion. We had over 400 women in their finest all gathered for a good time. We had fancy foods & dessert, comedian Tim Hawkins and even give-aways, including a Tiffany's bracelet to one lucky winner! As I walked up to the door there was a line of gentlemen in white and black greeting us - and it was all guys from my bible study! What a treat!

Here are just a few photos I got that night.

Sandy and I.

Casey and I.


Me, Jen and Sandy.(Thanks for the photo, Jen!)

Busy weekend ahead!

Although I am looking forward to it, I've got one crazy weekend ahead of me!
I've got my Open House on Saturday (details below in case you're interested!) and a Holiday Bazaar in Puyallup at the Gem Heights Club House on Sunday from 11-4 pm to benefit a non-profit moms club. If you're looking for something to do this weekend, come visit me! I'd love to help you celebrate your memories through photos! :)

Remembering Kristen at Christmas

I've been thinking a lot lately how to best honor/remember Kristen this Christmas without making it be all about her. I want to celebrate the life she had on earth, the life she is enjoying in heaven and not so much about the earthly death she experienced. She's part of our family. She always will be, but how do we incorporate that? I don't want her to be forgotten or overlooked because she's not here in person. This would have been her first Christmas and there are lots of things that we do for a baby's first Christmas - do we have to miss out on that opportunity? That's one thing that I struggle with is having experiences stolen from us. The dates still come and go on the calendar, but not with the anticipation and excitement they once did. We're still excited for Katelynn to experience the joys and wonder of Christmas, but there's just something about celebrating the birth of a baby while mourning the loss of one. Yeah, I know, if it wasn't for Jesus we wouldn't have the hope we do that Kristen is in a better place and we'll see her one day.....but I still want her here with me and that will never change. The desires are still there to to get a cute little tiny Christmas dress for her, have her photo with Santa, and feel the joy Mary did as she held her newborn.

I've been wanting to some how incorporate her into our family traditions and maybe somehow into a family photo via a stuffed animal or something. Some people may feel uncomfortable with us wanting to incorporate Kristen into our family traditions, but until they loose a baby and find themselves making similar decisions, they can keep their opinions to themselves! :) I won't have her ignored just because she's not here.

So I/We've decided to do a few things.
1. We're still going to get her a little stocking. I've read suggestions to write her little notes or tell little stories, so it becomes kind of an on-going time capsule, chronicling our journey. But then that way she'd always be part of our family "line-up" at Christmas.

2. She'll still have an ornament on the tree. That's been a tradition my parents have always done. I want to get her one too. Below is a link to the ornaments that the Trisomy 18 Foundation sells, raising money for the foundation that supports the families of babies diagnosed, living with or lost from Trisomy 18.


3. Buying gifts: it seems kind of weird to be buying gifts for a baby that would never play with them, but it also seems weird NOT to be buying gifts for a baby this year. So I decided I would get a giving tree or Toys for Tots baby and buy a few gifts for them in honor of Kristen. I could do that every year in her honor (for a child that would be the same age as she would have been that year) and our kids could do it too as they got old enough to understand. I may even have Katelynn help pick out the gift this year or have her give one herself.

4. Christmas card/letter: I've been meaning to do one for years and never did....not sure if I will this year or not. I would want to send a photo, but how do we best represent our family of four with just three people? And it feels kinda weird writing a letter that usually tells of the previous year "Kevin loves his new job, Katelynn started preschool, we had a baby and we lost a baby, and Merry Christmas!" But I also want people to know about our family's year as there was more that happened than just Kristen. But I suppose all the people I would be sending it to already know!

I'm sure I'll add to and/or modify this "Christmas List" as time goes by. But it gives me/us somewhere to start. I don't know theologically if Kristen can see/experience us here on earth, but I can rest in the fact that the Christmas celebration she gets to witness will be out of this world!