There Will Be A Day

Last October I heard a song late one night while I was driving (I still even remember where I was!) and I took a moment to listen to the words. I had heard it quite a bit but never really listened. I came home that night and instantly tried to post it to our blog but it was too new at the time and it wasn't yet available to post. I hadn't checked in a while and when I heard it again this morning I decided to try again. It's now added to our playlist which plays in shuffle mode. So it will either come on in a bit or you can just skip ahead at the bottom of our blog.
It's been amazing how God has spoken through music in new ways since last fall. What a gift we have to listen to this music freely without fear of persecution.
Here are the words to the song:

Artist: Jeremy Camp
Song: There Will Be A Day

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face, But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long, You feel you're walking on your own
But there has never been a step, Where you've walked out all alone

Troubled soul don't lose your heart, 'Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that's in store, Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

I can't wait until that day where the very one I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery, oh this is why, this is why I sing.

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we`ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day, He'll wipe away the stains, He'll wipe away the tears, He'll wipe away the tears...there will be a day.

A special Christmas gift

It's hard not to feel alone in your grief when you've lost a baby. I've chatted with a number of other moms that agree. It seems you hit the 4-6 month mark and people think that your life looks normal and you should be over it. Or you have another child and the world assumes that new child somehow fills the hole in your heart although nothing could be farther from the truth. (no, we're not pregnant!) The moms who have lost a baby and then had another child said their grief is still present, if not more so. Although filled with joy for the new life you now hold, you are ever so much more reminded of the life you are no longer holding.

All that to say I have been encouraged by the number of people that have expressed their sentiments to me/us over the last month or so. It seems the days I feel the loneliest are the days when I get a letter, card, e-mail or special little something in the mail letting me know they're still thinking of me and remembering Kristen every day. I got one such e-mail from a friend on Christmas and I asked her if I could share. This is part of it:

Also, I wanted to share with you part of my Christmas gift from Elizabeth. She wasn't sure what to get me this year, so wrote a letter instead. The following is part of what she wrote:

"I wanted my gift to be meaningful. I wanted it to show you how deeply I love, care for, and respect you. I remembered the night we were walking with Daniel and someone asked the question, 'if you could meet anyone, past or present, who would it be?' you said Kristen. I wish that was a gift I could give you. I've thought about the deep hurt, questions, and anger that resulted from the loss of precious baby Kristen. I also thought about the mysterious ways God chooses to speak to and use us. The Balcoms will be different because of one little life. You will be different because of one little life. . . . Finally, I have donated $50 to the Trisomy 18 foundation in Kristen Moriah Balcom's name. I cannot give you the gift of time with
her, but perhaps this money can be used to ensure that one day, others will not have to experience the same hurt."

I was in tears by the end of the letter. Know that baby Kristen is thought of often by me, my family, and my friends. I love you! Merry Christmas!!

Kristen's Bridge

Our friends, Rod and Sandy, spent a good portion of the summer working on a water feature in their yard. No little water feature, mind you! A very impressive one complete with a bridge and everything! While we were at the hospital surrounded by friends and family on Kristen's last day, we were sharing how we were told to cross certain bridges as we get there, and not worry about them until we get there. There was a lot of uncertainty in our lives at that moment (as there still is 2 months later!) so we kept saying "we'll cross that bridge when we get there." What will we tell Katelynn? we'll cross that bridge when we get there. what will we do with Kristen's body? we'll cross that bridge when we get there. How do we tell people about Kristen since they're expecting "exciting news"? we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Unbeknown to us, during that conversation Rod's son Shaun mentioned to his dad the idea of dedicating their new bridge to Kristen. So when it was ready they invited us over for dinner along with another family that had been helping us through some of the tough stuff. I thought it was just for dinner, but as we were gathering in the kitchen, Rod asked if we had all walked across the bridge now that it was done. We said yes, but he suggested we all go out again and look at it one more time. I thought it was a little odd, but followed the crowd. Soon you could sense a tad bit of awkwardness as everyone was trying to fit on the bridge - not just walking across, they all knew why they were there, we didn't.
That was when Rod began sharing the story of how the idea to dedicate the bridge to Kristen came up. He then unwrapped a tall post that had been covered with plastic for the last week or two. It unveiled a beautiful plaque with a dedication to Kristen and the quote that has been used numerous times to celebrate her life. It was beautiful and completely unexpected! (just the night before I had joked at our bible study when someone asked why the post was covered, I said it was for the toll booth that was yet to be installed....little did I know!) Rod told us they wanted to offer a place for us to remember our daughter any time we wanted to.
I didn't realize what that would mean to me personally until we started our fall bible study at their house. I walk by the bridge every Monday night and every time I do I find myself saying in my heart "Hi sweetie!". Because we had Kristen cremated, we don't have a physical place to go to remember her like some do at a cemetery. But I do have a place that I can go when I need to "have a moment", and I can cross that bridge anytime I want.
Thank you Rod and Sandy.

Invisible Provision

While we were pregnant with Kristen we were in a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University course learning how to be and live debt free. While we're still working on the finer points, one thing we learned to trust in and rely on was God's provision. That was one of the main reasons we gave Kristen the middle name of Moriah, which means God will provide.
Well, one of the areas we've kind of taken for granted, or at least not been mindful to thank God for, has been our insurance coverage. We've been getting "explanation of benefits" (EOB) statements over the last few weeks, and will probably get them for another month or so. They just state that a bill has been sent to our insurance company and we'd get a bill later for what they don't cover. So I called today to find out what OUR final bill was going to look like. I didn't want to get down the road and get a bill in the mail that we wouldn't be able to pay, and not be ready for a blow like that. So while I was on hold I looked online what the current running total was with the electronic EOB's and I found we're currently at around $85,000...so far. I know that's pennies compared to what some people end up paying to keep their little ones alive with cesarean surgeries and NICU expenses, but it's a little hard knowing that we racked up that kind of bill, yet didn't get to bring our baby home. Granted, I could also say it only cost $85K to have been able to spend 4 days with her!
So anyway, the customer service rep gets on the phone and I tell her what I am trying figure out and she asks a series of questions then says, "well, it looks like you're 100% covered." I had to clarify, you mean no copays, no random charges are going to come popping up? Nope! (There's one charge that got coded wrong and she's having to resubmit it so we don't have to pay it, but that was their error.) So, once more I'm reminded that God is providing for us, even when we're not mindful of it. There have been so many ways that God has provided for us, and not just financially, but that's definitely been a huge one! I was thinking it was going to be hard to "be thankful" this Thanksgiving, but I know we have plenty to be thankful for. I guess a good adjective for this kind of situation is "bittersweet."