Cupcakes for Kristen

On our way home from church today I asked Katelynn what she thought we should do to remember Kristen on her birthday. "Let's make cupcakes" was her first answer. We had already talked about that, so I said "Sure! What else?" "And candles too." "Okay. Anything else we can do to remember her?" She thinks for a minute and then says "Happy Birthday presents!" To which I replied, "Oh Honey, Kristen isn't here to open presents." She quickly answers enthusiastically, "That's okay, I can open her presents for her!"
So I of course had to ask what kind of presents we should get. She went through a whole list of presents sounding much like a shopping list for her! "a new skirt with leggin's, a shirt, some tights, and maybe some socks." Then out of no where she added that we should buy sippy cups. I think cupcakes will do. :)

I just do.

I miss Kristen tonight. I've had a few times like these lately where I have flashbacks and am kinda taken by surprise by the power of my memories and the overwhelming emotion associated with them. Just remembering that last morning/day with her and doing my best to "stay present" in the midst of everything. I remember feeling so intensely and allowing myself to emote in anyway I wanted to. There's freedom and amazing physical release in sobbing. That was the first time I think I ever really did it - for real.
I often wonder if I try not to remember out of fear that it will take away the joy from having Ashely. But instead I'm just reminded. Reminded how awful that was and how wonderful this is. I'm reminded to be thankful even on days like today when Ashley seemed to cry for most of the day. Oh what I would have given to hear Kristen cry. But instead I have memories of her sweet little snoring sounds and her little noises she'd make.
I wish I had more positive memories of her. I do have some, but most of them are overshadowed by the pain of the whole experience. I want to be able to look back and smile - which I do, sometimes. But when I let myself really remember, it hurts. I guess the thoughts of Kristen make me happy - she was and always will be my baby. But its the memories that are harder to deal with.
I hear parents all the time say when they're expecting their 2nd child "how will I be able to love another one as much as I love my first?" I struggle with wondering how I will be able to still miss and grieve my 2nd and still enjoy and love my 3rd. But the answer is the same for both questions "You just do."
I am so in love with Ashley (and Katelynn) and I so deeply miss Kristen. I just do.

A day in the life of a baby

In case you wondered where Ashley's title of FEISTY came form in the NICU! :)

Pardon Our Dust ... while we live life

I just read a blog post that is so encouraging to where I am at the moment. You can read it here. Sarah recounts having unexpected company knock on the door and her house is in no way company-worthy...much like mine is most of the time. But her guest reminds her that he's not there to inspect her clutter but to spend time with the people that made it. He says his house used to look like that too when there were kids there. Now that it's just him, there aren't those signs of life lying on the couch or filling the sink. My heart sunk for a moment. I was reminded that there will come a day when PBS Kids will not be part of my morning routine, when pacifiers and ponytail bands aren't hiding in the couch, the sink won't be filled with sippy cups and half eaten meals, and there will only be two toothbrushes in the bathroom. Although some days I look forward to that moment, I know it will be here too soon and I will long for these days of baby clutter and carseats.

Reading her blog made me want to make a big sign for my front door:

Pardon Our Dust - Life In Progress.  

If you're here to see us, please come in and watch your step.

If you're here to see our house, come back when our kids are in college.