Zoolights

Here's some photos from our trip to ZooLights at Point Defiance Zoo. Amazingly enough, I'd never been to it! I worked at the zoo in 1999 and have been doing work & volunteering for them off and on since then but had never made it to ZooLights. I figured since we had a membership this year we might as well go! So with my mom in town it was perfect timing. The rain stayed away just long enough for us to see everything and it wasn't too cold! It was pretty amazing to see so many lights and Katelynn thought they were "just beautiful!"

A special Christmas gift

It's hard not to feel alone in your grief when you've lost a baby. I've chatted with a number of other moms that agree. It seems you hit the 4-6 month mark and people think that your life looks normal and you should be over it. Or you have another child and the world assumes that new child somehow fills the hole in your heart although nothing could be farther from the truth. (no, we're not pregnant!) The moms who have lost a baby and then had another child said their grief is still present, if not more so. Although filled with joy for the new life you now hold, you are ever so much more reminded of the life you are no longer holding.

All that to say I have been encouraged by the number of people that have expressed their sentiments to me/us over the last month or so. It seems the days I feel the loneliest are the days when I get a letter, card, e-mail or special little something in the mail letting me know they're still thinking of me and remembering Kristen every day. I got one such e-mail from a friend on Christmas and I asked her if I could share. This is part of it:

Also, I wanted to share with you part of my Christmas gift from Elizabeth. She wasn't sure what to get me this year, so wrote a letter instead. The following is part of what she wrote:

"I wanted my gift to be meaningful. I wanted it to show you how deeply I love, care for, and respect you. I remembered the night we were walking with Daniel and someone asked the question, 'if you could meet anyone, past or present, who would it be?' you said Kristen. I wish that was a gift I could give you. I've thought about the deep hurt, questions, and anger that resulted from the loss of precious baby Kristen. I also thought about the mysterious ways God chooses to speak to and use us. The Balcoms will be different because of one little life. You will be different because of one little life. . . . Finally, I have donated $50 to the Trisomy 18 foundation in Kristen Moriah Balcom's name. I cannot give you the gift of time with
her, but perhaps this money can be used to ensure that one day, others will not have to experience the same hurt."

I was in tears by the end of the letter. Know that baby Kristen is thought of often by me, my family, and my friends. I love you! Merry Christmas!!

My little missionary

I've been meaning to post this for a while and keep forgetting!
The preschool Katelynn and I go to is held at a church but is provided through Pierce College, so definitely not "faith based." Our last class of the semester both our teachers were gone so we had subs. The child teacher I think was a former preschool mom and our parent teacher was the director of the Pierce College preschool program. At the end of class we always have music time with the teacher having a list of songs planned out. Well, this teacher didn't have a list and just kind of did the songs she remembered, some we'd never heard. She then started asking for suggestions from the kids. She asked for one more song and Katelynn jumped up and said "Jesus Loves Me!!" The teacher asked a little unsure, "oh, you sing that here? Okay, let's sing it!" and she started leading the group in singing Jesus Loves Me. Katelynn loved it and was dancing and clapping the whole time. A few of the moms looked a little unsure but my favorite look was from the parent teacher. She wasn't singing along like she did with the other songs, she wasn't smiling, and she wasn't enjoying herself nearly as much as Katelynn was! I'm not sure if it was because of her position and having to maintain a separation of church and state, or because of her personal beliefs, but all I could think of was "out of the mouth of babes! You asked for suggestions and you got them!" Can I get a witness!? :)

Yep, it's winter-time

Other than Christmas, what two things do most people relate to "winter"? Snow and colds. We've got 'em both!!
I think I've been sick since we started really getting snow so I haven't been too aware of how much we had. My crazy fever finally broke (100-102.6 for almost 4 days!) and I finally got some restful sleep this afternoon. When I woke up Kevin pointed out the snowman across the street. It's huge!! What I thought was so funny was another blogger mom had posted photos of the snowman she made with her 2 year old during the first snowfall - about 18 inches tall. Then there's this huge snow monster across the street! Katelynn said she wanted to go make a snowman but she woke up with a temperature so I told her she could when "her numbers" were better. That's what we call it when we take her temp, we "take her numbers." But Libby had no reason to not play in the snow. She takes every chance to go play! Kevin was throwing snow balls for her and she'd dig for them then eat them. I had to take a photo of her. At least one member of our family is getting to enjoy the snow!

Katelynn the "Baker"

So while mommy was trying to recover from the "bug" going around, I decided to make some cookies with Katelynn.


It began with a simple question. "Katelynn, do you want to make cookies with daddy?"The response.............

"We're going to make cookies" according to Katelynn. Priceless..............

So we begin. Of course you have to know, that we have discovered the wonderful world of Krusteez cookie mix in a box. These cookies aren't made from scratch. Some cookie mix and a little bit of water, and wallah, cookie dough, just add your favorite topping. Ours became peanut butter cookies because Katelynn liked the picture on the box. She grabbed one of the chairs from the table and pulled it over to where the stove and sink area are in the kitchen. I know her intentions were good, to help daddy make cookies. It changed quickly from helping me, to oh look at stuff in the sink, to "daddy can I turn the water on?" My response......."Ok but dont turn the water on too high, just have it trickle out of the fawcett." Agian, that lasted for only a few minutes. Next it turned into Katelynn wondering how much water the counter top will hold before it drips over the edge.........Is the image good enough in your head yet?

Yes, I finished making the cookies AND I got the privilege of cleaning up a nice big puddle of water. I love you Katelynn.........Maybe I should have named this post Katelynn the "Plumber."

Kristen's Ornament

Well, we braved the crowds and ice and actually went to the mall this evening. I had some shopping to do for our church to make up for some of the giving tree ornaments that didn't come back. On our way to Target we passed by Hallmark and decided to give it a try to find an ornament for Kristen. We looked for about 45 seconds in the baby/kid section then saw this one just to the left and knew it was perfect! We both said "That was easy!" We then looked for one for Katelynn, but that wasn't as easy. We decided to try for that one later. :)

A day at the office

Katelynn and I spent what felt like the whole day at the Social Security office and on the phone with the IRS. Okay, so it was really only an hour and a half at the office and an hour on the phone, but it felt like the whole day! I even spent almost 45 minutes on the phone on hold with Social Security, hoping that while I waited in person, I could get my questions answered on the phone. It did happen that way, however their answers were contradicting. (mind you, I had already spent almost an hour last week on the phone with both the SSA and IRS trying to get this figured out...)

You see, to claim Kristen on our taxes for 2008 she has to have a SS Number. When we left the hospital where she was born we didn't fill out the paperwork to request a birth certificate which in turn gets her a SS number. The hospital isn't sure how that happened, but it did. To request a SSN we have to show her birth certificate, which we don't have. So I took in her death certificate in hopes that might work as it does have her place and date of birth. I was a bit worried that I'd get people that were having a bad day and that they'd be insensitive to my situation since I'd be explaining it to plenty of people. The nice lady on the phone said she was really sorry that I was having to deal with this. She figured by what info she had that it should work without a birth certificate. Finally our number was called and when I explained to the man behind the plate glass what I needed he said how sorry he was. He said he lost a grandchild and "it still hurts everyday." He worked with us for almost 20 minutes but after talking to his supervisor and looking online, apparently it can't be done. (still not sure why but it had to do something with getting a # for someone deceased) He said I could apply for a Tax ID number and he even went to the IRS website to print off the form, but I'd have to talk to the IRS for more details.

So after being at the office for an hour and a half, I took Katelynn to McDonald's because she did such a good job while we waited and we were both really hungry. So while she ate and then played on the play structure, I was on the phone with the IRS. I had to tell three different people my situation and every time they replied how sorry they were for my loss. Finally getting to the right person, she explained what we could do without a SSN yet it still involves getting a copy of her birth certificate. I should have just done that in the first place!! Oh well.

I guess the one redeeming factor from all of this is how considerate and sympathetic everyone I dealt with was. I had to "tell my story" almost 6 times today and was able to better articulate myself each time. I was all ready to deal with crabby public servants at government offices, but instead everyone made this unfortunate task just a bit more bearable.

My Shoes

My Shoes - Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other’s eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some people are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don’t hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No one deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a mother who has lost a child.


I hope to one day say I am a stronger woman because of these shoes and the experiences that go along with them, to say I have been given the strength to face anything. I have to know who I am before I can attribute that knowledge to these shoes. One day I'll walk in these shoes. Today however, I'm just learning to stand in them.

Good enough to be a tree!

So after I posted yesterday about the whole Christmas tree issue, I decided to do SOMETHING to the house. I realized that I would do it if Kristen WAS here, and I want to do it because Katelynn IS here. So I cried my way through all the Christmas decoration boxes in the garage and found a few things that I could put up without feeling too overwhelmed! I got out Katelynn's Santa photos and put those on the piano with the storytelling bear from Grandma Betty and the lit wreath from Aunt Karen. Then I found the garland I always put on the entertainment center. I figured it's evergreen-ish, it has lights and a few decorations...it can pass as our tree this year, right? I cleared out the area for the tree just in case, but when Kevin came home he agreed that for a week and a half's worth of enjoyment, what I had done was just right!

I had put everything up while Katelynn was napping so when she woke up and came down the hall she didn't quite know what to make of it - after a few attempts in her sleepy-headedness, she finally got out "we have Christmas lights!" And considering she gives the same exclamation to a house that has 10,000 lights as she does to a house that has their porch light on, I am sure I would have gotten the same reaction with or without the tree, just as long as there are Christmas lights!

One interesting side note: We had gotten Katelynn a "My first Christmas" ornament in 2006 and my parents have been getting Katelynn an ornament each year too. We had intended to get one for Kristen this year too but just haven't yet. As I was pulling out the various ornaments, I found Katelynn's from last year and if I didn't know any better, I would have thought it was for Kristen! It's a pretty child-like angle with her eyes closed.So that's the one hanging in the middle of all our decorations this year.

To Tree or not toTree? That is the question

I had been prepared to decorate our home this year for Christmas, until I looked at the calendar. We'll be heading to Spokane to be with family for the week of Christmas and that's just a week and a half away. I really enjoyed decorating last year, but this year Christmas just doesn't have the same zeal it used to. Now, don't get me wrong. I know the real meaning of Christmas and I'm not saying that's not important. It's just hard to be "merry and bright" and celebrate the birth of a baby when your heart's broken over the loss of your own.
I don't necessarily want to skip out on the tradition of decorating the tree with Kevin and Katelynn but feel it would just be an exercise of normalcy for sake of a forced "normal". I was looking forward to hanging a special ornament for Kristen and hearing Katelynn's constant squeals over Christmas lights! (we finally had to tell her not to scream in the car at EVERY light, even non-Christmas lights!) It's not that I want to be a Scrooge, but to be completely honest I just don't think I have what it takes this year. I question if it will help me get through the underlying sadness, seeing all the pretty lights and ornaments, or be a constant reminder that I don't have a little 4 month old cooing at the lights or that we won't have a family of 4 picture in front of it. We won't have tons of gifts to put under the tree, (and if we did, they wouldn't go there until Dec 24th anyway, we DO still have an almost three year old running around!!) and the ones we do have will be opened at family gatherings. So I am left to wonder if all the effort of getting out the tree and decorating it for a week's worth of enjoyment would truly bring that enjoyment, although greatly needed, I just don't know if it's worth it.
I guess we'll find out if the next post is "look at our pretty tree!" :)

NW Trek

Katelynn was given a Zoo/NW Trek pass for her birthday last year and we've had so much fun using it. A few weeks ago we had great weather and decided to head out to NW Trek, the local wildlife park. There were very few people and LOTS of animals out! We took the tram ride that usually is less than an hour, but it ended up being almost 90 minutes because of all the animals in the way! In some of the photos you can see how close the animals come to the tram (or how close we come to them, rather!) and there were a number of times we just had to wait for the animals to move!
On our way home I had Kevin stop the car so I could get a good photo of Mt. Rainier - my friend had just left to go back to Indiana and while she was here, the mountain was covered with clouds. I took this photo to prove it really does exist! :)

Add dressed up and somewhere to go!

I've had two wonderful opportunities in the last weeks to get all dressed up and both times I had so much fun! We had been given the gift of a night in Seattle as a get-away to be used at our leisure. Kevin was told to take his "bride" to Seattle, stay the night, go to the Met for dinner and bring back the receipts. Then my brother and sister-in-law gave us their Nutcracker tickets that they weren't able to use. So we decided to combine both gifts and "go all out!" We stayed at the new Sheraton downtown, ate dinner at the Metropolitan Grill (a very nice restaurant in Seattle) and then went to the ballet. It was fun to get all dressed up! Since we checked in to our hotel early, we had lots of time to get ready and not be rushed. Then last week our church had a women's Christmas party and we all got the chance to get dressed up. To read the rest of the post and see our photos click the title of the post.

Not all our photos came out that well, but here's a few:

We had GREAT seats! On the first balcony, you can see the spot lights.
We were sitting one row behind the first spotlight from the left. Thanks Trav & Amanda!This was the dance of the sugar plums.
We were at the opening night of the 25th Anniversary of the Seattle Nutcracker. At the end they had the who's who of the PNW Ballet and the Nutcracker production come out and take a bow with the whole cast.
Photo-op with the Nutcracker! We found out that the designer of Seattle's Nutcracker, who is Maurice Sendek - the writing of "Where the Wild Things Are" wanted to make Seattle's Nutcracker distinguishable from any other production. So he made the Nutcracker look like himself!

(Funny side note- while I was posting this, Katelynn asked a number of times what the photos were of. I told her it was of the ballet that mommy and daddy went to called the Nutcracker. She kept asking where I was in the photos of the dancers and then asked where the cracker was....when I told her it was the NUTcracker, it's used to open nuts, she then started asking where the nuts were. Gotta love looking at the world through the eyes of a three year old!)

Then last week our church had a "Christmas at Tiffany's" Christmas party for all the ladies at the Puyallup Pavillion. We had over 400 women in their finest all gathered for a good time. We had fancy foods & dessert, comedian Tim Hawkins and even give-aways, including a Tiffany's bracelet to one lucky winner! As I walked up to the door there was a line of gentlemen in white and black greeting us - and it was all guys from my bible study! What a treat!

Here are just a few photos I got that night.

Sandy and I.

Casey and I.


Me, Jen and Sandy.(Thanks for the photo, Jen!)

Daddys Black Bonnett Part 2

So let me begin by saying that we are way behind in updating our blog. Sorry. This is at least a week and a half behind.

This was my second session in the completion of my tattoo. It was a 2 hour session. As Mike, my tattoo artist stated, this session was just to lay the "base coat of color" down. It's hard to see in the photo, but 15 of the 18 feathers have a purple undertone to them. 3 of them are orange. Again, the 18 feathers represents the genetic defect that Kristen had, Edwards syndrome aka Trisomy 18. The 3 orange feathers represents the 18th chromosome having 3 chromosomes. My next session will be the last one and will be a 3 hour session. In that session is when the colors will be blended more with blues and greens on the 15 feathers and the other 3 will have red and yellows added to them. Kristen's feet will be colored in, the whole thing will have shadows added to give the tattoo some dimension, and the ribbons will be finalized.

I had this done on Wednesday night before Thanksgiving. Within 2 days, it began to peel, unlike the outline which took about a week to start peeling. It was kind of weird having red and purple skin peel off. I have to try really hard not to scratch it as it really really itches.

The funny thing about having a tattoo is now Katelynn says "I want one, a red one." My response, when your 18. Oh the joys of an almost 3 year old.