Ain't too proud to brag!

I know the original phrase is "Ain't too proud to beg" but I'm bragging about Katelynn today! :) And for two totally different reasons!
First:
Our preschool did an "Ages and Stages Questionaire" based on our child's age. It asked a series of questions that we answered for our child with either, yes, sometimes, or not yet. There were different categories of questions like what kind of sentences do they say, can they stand on one foot without holding on, various drawing questions, some problems solving questions and then some personal/social questions. I didn't get to finish the whole thing because I was the classroom helper that day, so the parent instructor took my test and graded it for me anyway. She noted on each section what the target score was and what Katelynn scored. The one I did was for a 33 month old, she was 32 when I did it. Check this out!!
Communication: 5 of 6 answered, Target 35, Score 45
Gross Motor: 6 of 6 answered, Target 25, Score 55!!
Fine Motor: 3 of 6 answered, Target 25, Score 30
Problem Solving: 5 of 6 answered, Target 25, Score 45
Personal/Social: 6 of 6 answered, Target 25, Score 55!!
So out of 35 questions we only answered 25 and she still scored 230 with a target of 135! You can see why I'm so proud! I wasn't going to post about the questionnaire at first, but my mom said "why not!? that lets people know about the good things in life that help keep you going."

Second area of pride:
We've been in the throngs of potty training since summer, but more intently this last week. The weekend we were in the hospital with Kristen our family just assumed she was potty training so they worked on it with her at home and had great results! But we came home and didn't have the energy to keep it up. We've worked on it on and off since, but not "for real." So when we ran out of diapers last weekend, we decided it was time! I bought more training panties and a package of pull-ups, which we call her "nite-time panties" and we did our best. Each day we still had some "issues" but yesterday was the best. I had gotten food poisoning from the night before and really wasn't in the mood to be potty training and cleaning up messes, but went ahead and put panties on her anyway. She did awesome! She wore her "nite-time panties" for naptime and other than that, she went in the toilet every single time! No messes, no wet clothes! Today we're not doing so good, but it's all happened in the bathroom, so it could be worse, just makes for a lot of laundry! But yesterday was so exciting for her and us! (even in the midst of being horribly sick!)

Daddy's Black Bonnett

So, this has been in the works for a while now. I knew that at some point I was going to get a tattoo of all my kids' hand prints. I was wondering how it would turn out whether to do hand prints on my back or on my arms or on my chest. So when Kristen was still in the womb I decided that the placement of such tattoos would be on my upper arms on both sides. Then Kristen was born and passed and all my plans went out the window. While we were at Tacoma General and many thanks to Sally, our nurse at the NICU at T.G., we got several really great foot prints of Kristen's. It was in those moments and days following Kristen's life celebration party that I decided to do Kristen's foot prints on my upper arms. Since we said she got her wings, I decided that I wanted angel wings surrounding her foot prints. After many hours on the internet and going to the library to look in books for wing designs, I was given a copy of a set of wings that I had in mind when I started looking for wings. Thanks Rick for the help.

I then started to do my research for a tattoo shop. Again, many many hours were spent on the internet trying to learn as much as I could about what to expect. I went to a shop in Tacoma, walked in an almost walked back out in the same breathe. I talked with the owner of the shop and was brushed off, like they were to busy to help me. Back on the internet I went. I found another shop online, this one in Puyallup. Tara and I stopped by one night, and needless to say I was impressed. The owner of this shop was not with somebody so we started talking. The information he gave me was great. I really liked the atmosphere of the shop, it was well lit and all 3 artists seemed to be pretty friendly. The next step was to look through the portfolios of each artist and decide which one I wanted. I came back when Mike, my artist, was working and gave him the general idea of what I wanted. It was fairly easy but there were some must have's in the design. It took him a couple of weeks to draw up my design.

So here I sit, 2 hours before my appointment and am nervously excited to get the first part of my tattoo started. It will be a 2 session tattoo, the first session will be about 2 hours only being able to do the outlining and shadowing of my design. The next session, in about a month, will be 2-3 hours and the one to add all the color to my design. I am really excited.....
So obviously the picture of my arm is before. Also Katelynn wanted a picture of her arm too, just like daddy. Keep checking back as I will be uploading pictures of my arm after it's done tonight.

Peace out.

K

Daddy's Black Bonnett Part 2.

Ok, so now that almost 24 hrs has passed, my arm is feeling like a mild sun burn. Tara and I were at the tattoo shop for a little over an hour and a half last night. My artist Mike did an outstanding job interpreting the couple of pictures that I gave him and turned those into a great memorial tattoo for Kristen.

So a little about the tattoo. I wanted angel wings, feet prints, and some form of information about Kristen but not much. Here are a couple of my ideas that I gave Mike to work with.



The picture to the left is obviously a picture of wings. I wanted wings that looked strong and powerful and not like the Valentine's Day angels that are cartoonish. I also wanted Kristen's foot prints to be encompassed by the wings, like the angel that the wings were attached to were protecting Kristen. I also wanted 18 main feathers towards the bottom of the wing. 18 for tribute to Trisomy 18. Along with the 18 feathers, 3 of them had to be different somehow. 3 to represent the 3 chromosomes that was a result of the Trisomy 18. 18th chromosome having 3 chromosomes instead of 2. Make sense? So Mike was given all that information and came up with this........


Now for what the outline looks like. Keep in mind that this will be a multi session tattoo job. The first session last night was just for the outline of the whole thing. Here's what I ended up with....
Again, there are 18 "main" feathers, 9 on each wing. 3 of those will be done differently than the others. I haven't decided how yet, either different coloring or shading or something. But they will be different. Again, this is just the first session. I will post more when I get more done. Let me know what you think.

Peace out

K

Today's the 29th....

Kristen would have been two months old today! It's amazing how fast time has gone. It seems like years ago that I posted on our blog about the next morning going in to be induced and that hopefully all the findings on the ultrasounds would be reversed and we'd have a miracle baby....we still got a miracle baby, just not how we had hoped.

This last weekend we had a reunion with the other couples from our birth class. Out of ten couples, three of us had our babies on the same day! It was amazing to see all the babies at their different ages, one was almost three months old, and the youngest was just 4 weeks. I got to hold Casper, one of Kristen's birthday buddies. It was crazy to think that I would have had a baby that old by now. Kristen was to tiny and still, that holding a 2 month old seemed foreign!
We took Katelynn along so she could see all the babies and also so we wouldn't be empty handed. Casper has an older sister that came too so the two girls got to keep each other busy. I wasn't sure how I was going to do with all the sharing of birth stories and comparing of how parenthood is going. I did pretty well, only having a few moments where I felt a little out of place. It was when we took the photos of all the babies together that I really felt it. They lined them up according to age and that was when I knew someone was missing. Patti (our class instructor) and I had thought a few weeks ago that we could have Katelynn be in the photo with the babies but that didn't work out. It was still nice to be there to see everyone and a number of the other parents made sure to include us in their conversations. I am glad we went, and I did my best to be genuinely happy for the other parents, and I was....but it wasn't easy.

Seasons of Change

I started this when Katelynn was just 8 1/2 months old in our backyard - not thinking it would become a tradition, but isn't that how traditions start!? I was really looking forward to this "photo shoot" with two kids, but that just wasn't in the cards this year. I was thinking of incorporating something to symbolize Kristen in the photos, having Katelynn hold a doll, or put my remembrance pin on her jacket, but decided not to. I guess the leaves are still nice, I could always do another one.

I am amazed at how she has changed yet stayed the same....I wonder what next year's photo will look like!? Wonder if the pink coat will still fit!? :)

(you can click on the photo to see a large version)

Katelynn's Reading Video

Katelynn found my calendar on the ottoman this afternoon and started "reading" it. She's done this before with other random books, saying she was reading the bible. She had already been reading for a few minutes by the time we got the camera out and started recording.
You can hear her say a few things pretty distinctly, the rest is just a 2 and a half year old! :)
Things we could make out:
"Miss you so much"
"Give hugs and give kisses"
"We miss you always"
"Yeah, it's a good book"
When asked what the title is: "Give gift cards (to) you and your receipt" then she found a piece of paper and says "and your receipt is right here."

There's rarely a dull moment when Katelynn's around!!
(If the video doesn't play, you can see it on YouTube as well - here)

Back to the everyday

It had been brought to my attention that with a few exceptions, this blog hasn't had too many "happy" posts. If you don't notice the date spans of each entry, you'd think I was a mess! I've used this as my outlet to process the occasional (and not so occasional) waves of thoughts, memories, ideas, and just plain brain fog that comes along with a loss. There have been weeks where I had something to post everyday, other weeks where it was all I could do to post once! Sometimes I've had content but no time, other days just no words. I've been finding that when things are "good" that I don't write because I am enjoying a few days of "good." But I had to remind myself that this blog originally started as a place to share our family's day-to-day with family and friends and I am going to try to get back to that. I guess I started feeling I had to write for the masses and the various "strangers" that would come across our site. But I would want them to know that life goes on just the same as I want them to see how one family deals/dealt with the loss of their baby. I want Katelynn to be able to look back at my entries some day and see that we still had fun as a family. I want to post about Katelynn's funny sayings, her first trip to the dentist, the fun we're having with potty training, playdates we have, what we learned at preschool, you know, the everyday stuff! And hopefully, one day I will be able to look back too and see that life is still good! We do have good days, more and more lately. And I need to chronicle those just as much as I have been the not-so-good days.
So I am hoping to post at least a few times a week, if not everyday. We'll see! I can guarantee, life with a 2 1/2 year old doesn't leave me lacking for content, but it does leave me lacking for time!

Sneaky Tsunami

I've posted about "waves" and how grief will come and go and we just have to "ride the wave." Well, the last week seemed rather calm. I entered the weekend thinking I was doing pretty good, life seemed stable, I felt "ok". We had Grandpa Bill's memorial service on Saturday and I did really well. (Kevin's grandpa died three weeks before Kristen was born.) But then Sunday morning I didn't feel all that great, but didn't think too much of it. It wasn't until late Monday afternoon that I realized I had been hit by a tsunami. (click the post title to read the rest)


The tide had quickly receded and all was calm....just like what they showed on the news with the tsunamis in Indonesia. Then the wall quietly yet powerfully came and crashed over me. It wasn't until almost 2 days had passed that I even realized what had happened and that I had been knocked over! I had the opportunity to share with my MOPS group on Monday a little about my story so far. I had plenty of encouraging comments and people thanking me for sharing but I felt horrible and felt I had made a mistake in sharing. It wasn't until later that afternoon during a conversation with a friend that I saw what had happened. When I shared that morning I was still in my "I'm fine" mode and wanted to portray that image. I had felt "fine" for a while now so I must be "fine." But as I began to share, I heard my own words tell the story with a broken heart and I told of the struggles I'm still having and I was shocked! I wasn't "fine" and the only person I had fooled was myself! I had hoped to give this great testimony of Kristen's life and have it be a happy ending, feel-good story.....I found out it's too soon for that. The story's not done yet.
I got home from MOPS and the rest of that day just continued to crumble. Things were off kilter when I got home but I had to rush off to my 6-week check up with my midwife. The nurse that checked me in hadn't really looked my chart over and started asking me the routine questions that were on her computer screen "number of pregnancies.....number of children......date of delivery.....vaginal or cesarean......breastfeeding or bottle feeding....." After that one I finally told her the baby didn't make it, not realizing during all the other questions she had no idea! She felt horrible of course, but it just added to the stress of the day! My midwife apologized when she came in that that happened, but I know it will happen the rest of my life - it's just a little harder to respond to right now....and especially on a day like that!
So on the way home from that appt, I called a friend that helped me realize that I had been hit by a sneaky tsunami. I wanted and still want so much to be "fine" and feel like a normal person that I ignore the waves that have to be ridden. I remember in my scuba lessons they always say "don't turn your back on the sea" because waves will come and surprise you....guess I should have listened!

Invisible Provision

While we were pregnant with Kristen we were in a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University course learning how to be and live debt free. While we're still working on the finer points, one thing we learned to trust in and rely on was God's provision. That was one of the main reasons we gave Kristen the middle name of Moriah, which means God will provide.
Well, one of the areas we've kind of taken for granted, or at least not been mindful to thank God for, has been our insurance coverage. We've been getting "explanation of benefits" (EOB) statements over the last few weeks, and will probably get them for another month or so. They just state that a bill has been sent to our insurance company and we'd get a bill later for what they don't cover. So I called today to find out what OUR final bill was going to look like. I didn't want to get down the road and get a bill in the mail that we wouldn't be able to pay, and not be ready for a blow like that. So while I was on hold I looked online what the current running total was with the electronic EOB's and I found we're currently at around $85,000...so far. I know that's pennies compared to what some people end up paying to keep their little ones alive with cesarean surgeries and NICU expenses, but it's a little hard knowing that we racked up that kind of bill, yet didn't get to bring our baby home. Granted, I could also say it only cost $85K to have been able to spend 4 days with her!
So anyway, the customer service rep gets on the phone and I tell her what I am trying figure out and she asks a series of questions then says, "well, it looks like you're 100% covered." I had to clarify, you mean no copays, no random charges are going to come popping up? Nope! (There's one charge that got coded wrong and she's having to resubmit it so we don't have to pay it, but that was their error.) So, once more I'm reminded that God is providing for us, even when we're not mindful of it. There have been so many ways that God has provided for us, and not just financially, but that's definitely been a huge one! I was thinking it was going to be hard to "be thankful" this Thanksgiving, but I know we have plenty to be thankful for. I guess a good adjective for this kind of situation is "bittersweet."

If You Want Me To

I added a new song to our play list. It helped get me through some tough times in college and when I heard it the other day, the hope and reassurance it brought me then, came back just as strong. Its a reminder to me that God and His promises don't change just because our circumstances do.

Ginny Owens - If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I walk through the darkness If You want me to