The Last Toothless Grin

I took 303 photos tonight in about 15 minutes trying to get my last photo of Ashley's toothless grin. I saw this morning that her first tooth is just starting to peek through her bottom gums. Although I'm looking forward to her being able to eat more food with more teeth, I sure do love my little toothless baby!!!
The photo isn't the clearest, but just looking at it make me smile!

My Beautiful Girls!

Katelynn is going to be the flower girl in a friend's wedding tomorrow and here are a few photos from rehearsal. (She got a "wedding Barbie" as a gift! Obviously she's thrilled!!)

Katelynn and Katie, the bride. They even had their hair done the same way - by accident!

While I was in the car with Ashley, I got a couple of really cute shots of her - and her new discovery : her tongue! :)

This is a photo from a little while ago, but I just love it. I love getting photos of her in a happy mood - it reminds me that she has good moments! :)

Ashley's 10 Months Old!!!

Ashely's 10 months old today!  Time sure is flying!!!
Here's a few funny photos/videos of our little girl when she's happy :)
And one of her new talent: touching her chin with her tongue!! 

 

 

My Girls

The quality of the photos didn't come through as I had hoped but they still look pretty great. I took these while waiting in our dentist's lobby. We may head back there for more photos some day!! :)

I love dimples, even on elbows!!

 

I've fallen and I can't get up!!

Sticks and Stones

I heard someone make a judgmental comment the other day and didn't think much of it. It was in character for them and I did what I could to dismiss it. It wasn't directed at me personally, but it very well could have been. The criticism was aimed at a "nameless and faceless" individual on TV who wouldn't hear the jeering comment or be shamed by the judgment that was being sentenced through the screen. But as I sat in silence, I painfully knew that person could very easily be me and I wondered if the same comments would have been said if was me.

It wasn't until I heard my 4 year old repeat the exact same expression the very next day that it broke my heart. She didn't know what she was saying, she was just repeating what she had heard. But this time, it hurt. She said it with the same attitude and belittling she had heard it said the day before. Again, it wasn't directed at me personally, but hearing that criticism and condescending attitude come from my sweet preschooler was heart breaking. I stopped in my tracks and tried to gently explain to her why what she said was not okay, how it hurts people's feelings when those things are said, and that compassion was a better choice instead of finger pointing. I tried to explain that the person who said it wasn't being nice, without making them out to be a bad person. But it made me so painfully aware how easily we pass on our values to our children and how easily they pick up on things. Now, granted, this little 4 year old has always been extremely perceptive and picked up on things way too quickly! But this incident made me want to be more careful of how I say things and be aware of how they may be perceived by 4 year old little ears and to encourage anyone who is around her, or any child for that matter, to be aware of what you say. Preschoolers don't get sarcasm and don't really have a sense of when something is a joke and when it's not or when something is appropriate to be repeated or not. If you wouldn't say something to someone's face, don't say it around a child....because they probably will.

"Stick and stones may break my bones....but words will break my heart." Choose your words wisely. Please.

I made it.

I wrote this on Labor Day and thought I'd come back and finish it when I was able to collect my thoughts better. Well, it's been over a week and they're no more collected than when I started writing so I'm just gonna hit publish and post the darn thing!!

I made it.

I made it through Labor Day Weekend.

Labor Day Weekend will always be Kristen's weekend to me. Sure there are her "dates" of Aug 29 & Sept 1. But I will always remember and refer to it as Labor Day weekend 2008.

We went to the hospital full of excitement and anticipation on Friday morning and we came home utterly devastated with empty arms Monday afternoon. Because it was a holiday weekend, our little corner of the NICU was pretty much all ours with only 1 or 2 visitors for other babies the whole time we were there. I was only in the same building as her (and coherent!) for about 20 hours of the precious 64 she was given, but I am so thankful I got what I did. I remember that weekend so vividly, yet sometimes it seems like it was all a bad dream. (I just re-read my blog post about that first and last morning with Kristen, ugh. more like a nightmare than a dream!)

But its hard to believe it's already been two years. I wonder if I am where I'm "supposed to be" by the two year mark. I'm reminded there is no timeline, although, our culture is really bad at showing it. Sometimes I'm glad that no one remembers her, or at least doesn't mention to me that they remember her, because it makes it easier for me when I want to pretend it never happened. There are days like that. When I feel like I have some "secret" about who I really am but I just want to be like all the other moms. But I'm not. I'm reminded that everytime I see a happy birth anouncement "baby and mom are doing great!" Although I am honestly and truly happy for them, I can't help but be a little jealous. No, a lot jealous. I'll never get the chance to send out that happy news.

So although there's no "timeline" I wonder where I'm supposed to be. I know of a few people that make huge deals out of their deceased baby's birthday. Nothing wrong with that. But I guess it's just not me. I wouldn't have anyone to make it a big deal with, I wouldn't want to make it weird for anyone I suppose. When I shared with my mom a few weeks before this weekend that I didn't know what or how I wanted to observe her birthday she said something along the lines of "well, you can always celebrate her in your heart." At first I wanted to roll my eyes and say "whatever!" but now that the weekend has passed, all I really did was remember her in my heart. Feels kinda lame, like I'm not doing justice to what she really means to me. But then I remember her every day in my own way and making a big deal out of it, well, I guess I worry it would weird people out. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but I want to be normal, even though I know I'm not. Not in that way, anyway.

So, I made it. Even if "making it" meant ignoring it, hoping it wouldn't hurt, holding my breath for the significance of the weekend to go away, yet all the time wishing someone knew how important this weekend was to me. So now back to the business and distraction of every day life....and pretending to be normal.

Cupcakes for Kristen

On our way home from church today I asked Katelynn what she thought we should do to remember Kristen on her birthday. "Let's make cupcakes" was her first answer. We had already talked about that, so I said "Sure! What else?" "And candles too." "Okay. Anything else we can do to remember her?" She thinks for a minute and then says "Happy Birthday presents!" To which I replied, "Oh Honey, Kristen isn't here to open presents." She quickly answers enthusiastically, "That's okay, I can open her presents for her!"
So I of course had to ask what kind of presents we should get. She went through a whole list of presents sounding much like a shopping list for her! "a new skirt with leggin's, a shirt, some tights, and maybe some socks." Then out of no where she added that we should buy sippy cups. I think cupcakes will do. :)

I just do.

I miss Kristen tonight. I've had a few times like these lately where I have flashbacks and am kinda taken by surprise by the power of my memories and the overwhelming emotion associated with them. Just remembering that last morning/day with her and doing my best to "stay present" in the midst of everything. I remember feeling so intensely and allowing myself to emote in anyway I wanted to. There's freedom and amazing physical release in sobbing. That was the first time I think I ever really did it - for real.
I often wonder if I try not to remember out of fear that it will take away the joy from having Ashely. But instead I'm just reminded. Reminded how awful that was and how wonderful this is. I'm reminded to be thankful even on days like today when Ashley seemed to cry for most of the day. Oh what I would have given to hear Kristen cry. But instead I have memories of her sweet little snoring sounds and her little noises she'd make.
I wish I had more positive memories of her. I do have some, but most of them are overshadowed by the pain of the whole experience. I want to be able to look back and smile - which I do, sometimes. But when I let myself really remember, it hurts. I guess the thoughts of Kristen make me happy - she was and always will be my baby. But its the memories that are harder to deal with.
I hear parents all the time say when they're expecting their 2nd child "how will I be able to love another one as much as I love my first?" I struggle with wondering how I will be able to still miss and grieve my 2nd and still enjoy and love my 3rd. But the answer is the same for both questions "You just do."
I am so in love with Ashley (and Katelynn) and I so deeply miss Kristen. I just do.

A day in the life of a baby

In case you wondered where Ashley's title of FEISTY came form in the NICU! :)

Pardon Our Dust ... while we live life

I just read a blog post that is so encouraging to where I am at the moment. You can read it here. Sarah recounts having unexpected company knock on the door and her house is in no way company-worthy...much like mine is most of the time. But her guest reminds her that he's not there to inspect her clutter but to spend time with the people that made it. He says his house used to look like that too when there were kids there. Now that it's just him, there aren't those signs of life lying on the couch or filling the sink. My heart sunk for a moment. I was reminded that there will come a day when PBS Kids will not be part of my morning routine, when pacifiers and ponytail bands aren't hiding in the couch, the sink won't be filled with sippy cups and half eaten meals, and there will only be two toothbrushes in the bathroom. Although some days I look forward to that moment, I know it will be here too soon and I will long for these days of baby clutter and carseats.

Reading her blog made me want to make a big sign for my front door:

Pardon Our Dust - Life In Progress.  

If you're here to see us, please come in and watch your step.

If you're here to see our house, come back when our kids are in college.