Four months and counting

I was putting Katelynn down for bed the other night and singing her routine list of songs and had a little moment of realization. We were singing Jesus Loves Me and I was taken back to 4 months ago when I couldn't sing that to her. "Jesus love me, this I know, for the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong." That line would kill me every time so I started telling her pick a different song!
I looked at Katelynn and realized that four months had passed since then and Katelynn was four months older now. Time didn't stop, like sometimes it feels it has. She has grown up even in just four months. I keep looking back, not wanting to forget, wanting to stay in that moment when we were a family of four. But if I am always looking back, I am missing today. I don't want to miss Katelynn's today because I won't get that back. She is changing every day and I don't want to miss it. I just don't know how to look forward and still keep Kristen with me. Kristen will forever be an infant in my mind yet Katelynn is constantly growing and changing -- which I am so thankful for because that means she's alive and healthy. I guess I'm just scared of Kristen becoming a figment of my imagination. It's not like there's lots of memories to look back on and reminisce about. When a grandparent dies, you at least have their memories to comfort you, stories to tell and traditions to continue. I don't feel like I have that of Kristen, and the memories I do have bring me to tears and remind me of that heartbreaking weekend. I have met a number of parents online who have walked this same road and many have said they got to a place where the memory of their child no longer brought tears to their eyes, but a smile to their face. I look forward to that day.

Katelynn knows her angels!

Last night while I was tucking Katelynn into bed, I said the same prayer I usually do, thanking God for a good day and a wonderful daughter, asking Him to place angels at her bed posts to protect her and her dreams and that she'd get restful sleep and wake up in a good mood. I haven't really ever explained any of that to her. Then last night after I said Amen, she sat up in bed and said "Angels!" I said, "yes, you'll have angles to protect you, now you need to go to sleep" and then she got up and went to each corner of her bed and pointed at the head/foot board corners saying "Angels" as she pointed at each one. She may not know what "bedposts" mean, but she knows where her angels stand!